A Different Kind of Life

A Different Kind of Life

As a child and young adult I had not known that I possessed any agency over the trajectory of my life. It seemed pre-determined.  In the place…

We Love Jilan

We Love Jilan

We recently survived a tragic and highly traumatic event, with our most precious, best girl, an Albino Boa, named Goldie.  My older son adored and cared…

Cover Up!

Cover Up!

As part of my practice of recovery, I do take daily personal inventory and sadly, I am not so recovered that I resist also taking…

Before Recovery

Before Recovery

Without recovery, I would still possess only the tools and beliefs of dysfunction; a fixed mindset with a Zero-sum mentality– all conflicts resulting in a…

September 7

September 7

The deep seated angst of hoping and begging for peace and resolution- was relieved on the day which I received notice, by a lady whom…

Introverting

Introverting

To be introverted means that I prefer solitude and derive energy from quiet time, alone.  I don’t completely hate socializing, but I prefer not to.  I…

Pain

Pain

My grandmother visited my childhood home a few times a year and I alllllwaaaays looked forward to her arrival. She was radiant, popular, and very…

What is Schadenfreude?

What is Schadenfreude?

Though I am intimately familiar with the energy and attitudes which I have always identified in the “serves you right- types”, I have only just…

Be The Reason

Be The Reason

Seems as if stonewalling and gaslighting are techniques intended to erase a person, to obliterate their spirit. Stonewalling is a tactic used by bullies to…

Mama

Mama

In their young efforts to address my George Floyd despair, my boys offered me this: “Mom, he did have meth in his system and had…

What We Choose

What We Choose

My steady refusal of gifts and moments of staged harmony (in place of healing, repair, and honest connection) illuminated my unwillingness to bypass necessary mending.…

Torture

Torture

Torture (unlike abuse which is often spontaneous and unintentional, though still scarring) is pre-meditated and planned out. It is designed to methodically dismantle a person’s…

MY White Privilege

MY White Privilege

I was born to un-white skin, a foreign name, one Middle Eastern Moslem parent and the other an Agnostic Jew. Later, bussed across town to…

Things I struggle with

Things I struggle with

All Special Days—Mother’s Day reminded me of the last time I sat with my mother and sister.  I have a framed picture from that dinner, which…

Twenty-five Things

Twenty-five Things

Things I am good at: Losing my shit Apologizing Wasting time Getting difficult stuff done Struggling with simple things because of associated historical feelings Helping…

I AM

I AM

I am… According to MBTI, an ISFJ Enneagram Almost equally #8 and #4- considering doing the paid test @ https://ianmorgancron.com (UPDATE: I gave in to…

Wrong But Not Bad

Wrong But Not Bad

If the people to whom we looked, for love and protection, imposed traumatic shame for failed similarness and submission, that was a breach (by them)…

I Am Free

I Am Free

It was communicated collectively and consistently to me, that who I was (am) is THE problem.  In my 40s, I found a program of recovery to…

Who I Am

Who I Am

Having believed that  “I. Am. THE. Problem”– the designated cause for other people’s shame, pain, hostile silence, cruel words, and overall mental health could only be…

Hickeys and Large Pores

Hickeys and Large Pores

So, an Instagram Ad for a pore vacuum appeared in my feed…eeew gross, right?–What kind of dirty loser needs to vacuum their pores…only the most…

Yeh- No

Yeh- No

One of the most amazing aspects of life with Sweet Greg is our partnership as equals, our collaboration, working as a team, though often I…

How I Used To Be

How I Used To Be

For much of my life I treasured, even sought, the opportunity to align with one person (squee –closeness, right?)  against another for any reason at all–…

Serves You Right

Serves You Right

In my family of origin,  people seemed to get ranked by intellect and like mindedness (or different mindedness).  There were decent people(worthy of kindness and respect) —…

Under The Influence

Under The Influence

Most of us (if only a little) are impressed by fine clothes, cars, homes, overall attractiveness, and status.  -Totally normal to unconsciously attach meaning to what…

To Repair or Repaint

To Repair or Repaint

My life is filled with terrible choices, ugly truths, and failed relationships.  Those things do not define me and cannot be used to shame or diminish…

Gossip Culture

Gossip Culture

Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you. Gossip is saying behind their back what you would not say to their face. Flattery is saying to…

Incongruous Behaviors

Incongruous Behaviors

When possible, I now know to abstain from people whose words, actions, and proclaimed values are not aligned, those folks are not for me, even…

The Five Rules

The Five Rules

Reposting Tom Weston’s Five Rules of Being a Grown Up (steps to maintaining the status quo/rape culture/being pushed out to the margins) The Five Rules…

Look For The Helpers

Look For The Helpers

Who do you crave when you are in pain? Who unfailingly welcomes and solicits your unedited truth?  Is it the perpetually smiling person dedicated to the…

Not So Classy

Not So Classy

I felt thrilled and a little proud-ish to have enrolled in a class at the local university.  I was satisfied by my initiative, planning, execution, arranging…

What is Wrong?

What is Wrong?

Deny, defend, deflect, dilute. I think it is natural to do these things when we are young and full of not knowing how to act…

I Can Only Imagine

I Can Only Imagine

If the opportunity to exchange goodbyes with my mother had been possible… I would have wept, thanked, apologized, forgiven–even if she remained silent and unreceptive.…

An Altruistic Donor

An Altruistic Donor

Altruistic Donor is the term for a living donor who chooses to part with an organ for an unknown and unspecified recipient. Totally fascinated by…

Liver Anyone?

Liver Anyone?

While Sweet Greg and I were out for his birthday lunch last Saturday, I went to the restroom to wash my hands and saw a…

Just Because

Just Because

I once did pretty much all of the same shit I now will not tolerate. In recovery, I am unlearning and growing, not pretending as…

Emotionally Barbaric

Emotionally Barbaric

Emotionally stunted people fail to learn to accept, process, or even tolerate a full range of emotion, leaving them emotionally primitive—limited only to recognizing pleasure…

Healing is Excruciating

Healing is Excruciating

Because Sweet Greg did not flinch, pout, or punish me for declaring myself absolutely physically and emotionally unavailable for the weekend, I feel beyond humbled…

To Struggle Is Human

To Struggle Is Human

I struggled mightily, since my earliest days.  My formative experience strongly suggested my defectiveness as the cause, willfully imposing, as only an asshole would, on those…

Either Or

Either Or

I never tire of this reading and continue hoping that it may become a more common practice– reaching for The Third Way– in times of…

The Bare Minimum

The Bare Minimum

Last week as I relished a much-needed break from being used, taken advantage of, I was able to feel a smidge of compassion for the…

Who Even Does That?

Who Even Does That?

I am feeling agitated over how our new before and after school arrangement is no good for my sons.  It is the consequence of my decision…

Bold and Sensitive

Bold and Sensitive

This past Sunday, rather than attending the regular service, I sat in on the Middle School Group of girls at a new church, with a…

First Class

First Class

So odd to return to a campus in which I attended undergrad. Literally, it felt mostly unfamiliar, possibly because I am now in a different…

Bye Bye 2019

Bye Bye 2019

My first full year as an official orphan (in which I was banished by literally every blood relative) truly flew and I am going out…

Back to Step One

Back to Step One

I have definitely lost touch with my higher power, indicated by my obsessive and anxious rehearsing and rehashing, the afterburn of having stood up for…

No More

No More

So-  In my desire and pursuit to be merciful, I foolishly agreed to a highly undesirable arrangement for myself. I did so, in an effort to…

A Book Club Must Read

A Book Club Must Read

Just thrilled to have found and reposted this meme on instagram, if only—-for one commentor’s response: “Each time I try to appear normal, or pick…

Listen, Learn, Serve

Listen, Learn, Serve

Squeee! I  have completed my application for admission to a graduate course of study in Applied Ethics.  I am interested in the path and the…

Claiming Responsibility

Claiming Responsibility

Even, through my thirties, I had not learned to appropriately respond to harmful behaviors and words. Consistently, my uninformed and humiliating reactions stole the show,…

Better Living

Better Living

I did not comprehend or grasp anything close to sane thinking before entering into my program of recovery.  After my first Al-Anon meeting, I attended…

Sweet Mercy

I am beyond excited for my upcoming and long awaited appointment to finish my back-piece tattoo, a sprawling octopus which we began more than a…

My Saddest Day

My Saddest Day

I have lived many sad years, decades actually. Life, even on the most special of days, has been that, for me. So, when asked what…

The Anatomy of Trust

The Anatomy of Trust

After posting the image to IG, I was reminded of the Brene Brown Video called the Anatomy of Trust. She makes it clear to see…

Fuck Shame

Fuck Shame

In recovery, my greatest endeavor and achievement to date, I get to have a God Of My Understanding (GOMU). Before connecting with my very own GOMU,…

Love Does

Love Does

If I really think about it. …💕 I could not have done anything great enough to earn the gift of Sweet Greg’s love. AND there…

Deselection

Deselection

Sweet Greg is here, recovering from brutal wisdom tooth extraction while I battle my obsessive thinking alongside current heinous withdrawal from Xyzal. What a nightmare.…

Repair or Repeat

Much Love, Magda Gee For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Feeling Empowered

Today, I cannot help but marvel at how I was raised to believe that the words, opinions, moods, and behaviors of others should make me…

On Mother’s Day

On Mother’s Day

If one of my legs became afflicted with progressive, fatal, and incurable disease, diminishing my overall health and quality of life –and I could have…

“Happy” Easter

“Happy” Easter

Ugh! My life has never been better. Ever. But this does not change the reality of my depression and anxiety. In fact, they are made…

An Inconvenient Child

An Inconvenient Child

I was an inconvenient child. There was no tolerance or support for this, only resentment. I learned resentment at an early age. Unlearning is taking time. As…

Bye Mom

Bye Mom

A little more than a month has passed and I have not cried for the absence of my mother. When she was alive, because of…

A Litany for Survival

A Litany for Survival

A Litany for Survival BY AUDRE LORDE (…) For those of uswho were imprinted with fearlike a faint line in the center of our foreheadslearning to…

Making Amends

Making Amends

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9: Made direct amends to such…

Goddammit Magda

Goddammit Magda

Friday after school, we had an unusually peaceful few hours before going to pick up dinner from our favorite BBQ place. Often, the time between…

The Exact Right Words

The Exact Right Words

When you are raised having your words and feelings ignored, dismissed, challenged and twisted to be used against you, you may, as I did, dedicate…

On Being Psycho

On Being Psycho

Happy Valentines Day, y’all ♥️ My favorite part of my relationships is the laughing endlessly, together, over exactly how unreasonable we can be, at times,…

Say Yikes and Move On!

Say Yikes and Move On!

“I set boundaries today, in good faith, with anyone who disregards my thoughts or feelings. Disregarding and disrespecting are different from disagreeing.” (wise words of…

Educated by Tara Westover

Educated by Tara Westover

I am on my second go-round of this riveting and relatable memoir, as it is generously providing words for thoughts which previously, I felt unable…

Unity v. Division

Unity v. Division

The messages of non-love which are cruelly and generously heaped upon my boys, by older members of their genetic families, require daily dispelling. The demystification…

Learning to Belong

Learning to Belong

As far back as I remember, I did not belong. Anywhere. I was different from the people to whom I am genetically linked, and treated…

No Means No

No Means No

This morning, over breakfast, my older son(S1) asked if Greg and I ever get mad at each other. Of course, I did not offer a…

Never say Never

Never say Never

With active substance abuse and addiction, running in all directions of our family tree, we get to have many discussions on this matter. Both my…

Trust in Kindness

It is painful to witness my boys being expected to suffer silently or get comfortable in the presence of unkindness. Their father and I have…

Day 14 Character Analysis

Nearing the end of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, I am taking note of the qualities in the characters that I find admirable and deplorable. Initially…

Day 13 Second-Handers

Every spare moment has been dedicated to slowly devouring The Fountainhead or binge-watching Schitt’s Creek. Regarding Fountainhead, it is a loooooong read but the depth…

Day 8 Reflection

Day 8 Reflection

Ok, not writing at all, about IT is unreasonable and unhealthy. I am tweaking my resolution to add an allowance for myself, to contemplate and…

Atypical Day 6

Atypical Day 6

Netflix’s Atypical, our first family binge-watching opportunity. Sam, Zahid, and Paige are each so damn relatable and hysterical, and it was consensus that we could…

Day 3 The Fountainhead

Day 3 The Fountainhead

As with most things, I am reading The Fountainhead 📖 in true 💉💉💉addict fashion. The clash between Peter Keating and Howard Roark is beyond compelling,…

2019 Day 1

2019 Day 1

Best Friends Forevvuh. 42 years of sisterhood. Total traveling pants. Bringing in the New Year with Favorite and her family was a win.  Tastiest foods, 🥮🧀🍤🥝🥘…

Are You My Mother?

Are You My Mother?

To state that my feelings about and reasons for attending yesterday’s service for my mother are messy and confusing, is an understatement.  At this moment, this…

Rest In Peace

Yesterday, overly tired from waking at 4am, unable to return to sleep. I ruined myself from 4-8am, with recycled, if not hysterical thoughts of my older…

Fake Peace

I am grateful (though broken hearted) that I was able to tell my older son (S1) and his father, in no uncertain terms, that I would…

This Is Not My Kingdom

Today’s service centered around Pilate and Jesus:  Kingdoms in Conflict.  John 18:33 – 18:37(quite possibly incorrectly notated-whatev) I begin by declaring that: I, in no…

Walls or Bridges

While I am enjoying the peace and slow pace of an undemanding Thanksgiving Break for myself, my heart is so fucking heavy from what family…

Gentle Thanksgiving

I am deeply grateful for Considerate Birthdays, Mellow Halloweens, Compassionate Christmases, and today–a Tender Thanksgiving.  I cannot know for sure, but suspect that if I…

Boundaries and Being Non-Dead

With Greg, boundaries are a non issue, we have compatible operating systems and shared values- prioritizing each other’s peace, comfort and pleasure.  Goes without saying,…

Aha!

I am now recognizing how, after moving here, if we would have continued as a blended, healing, fixed family with my FOO, my ex, my…

Happy Birthday ?

Thank Good Gawd Almighty for the most marvelous friend —who loves family, God, selfies, presents, fun, joy, travel, celebrating, and even me— to the end of…

Why Lie

Alone in the car with my younger son, today, I pretended to take credit for saying something fantastic, a quote which actually came directly from…

Some Letters

Angry letters I would write and send if not for recovery.  I have anger, but it is not the boss of me.  I let it…

The Pain We Do Not Heal

Recovery has been a wildly unpopular choice—quite agitating to those threatened by the idea that there is something wrong—other than only my existence.  My healing…

Thank Good Gods

The words below are cherry picked straight from Jen Hatmaker’s post on IG today.  They speak directly to my heart and make clear for me…

Undeserving

What an interesting concept.  “DESERVE”.  I cannot help but cringe each time I hear this word thrown about.  Maybe as a person who grew up…

For the Love

As the beginning of another school year– at new schools, rapidly approaches, I imagine and worry dream for my sons– the possibilities that lay ahead.  Of…

Because Obviously

A program friend recently asked me if I out my sister  to punish her, and cautioned me against it—because that(punishing) would be bad for my…

On Forgiving

Daily, I feel tormented by the notion that if I were JUST  less sensitive and more forgiving we could be a happy healthy family.  But…

Like-hearted

Over the past decade, I have become very clear on my lack of desire to surround myself with likeminded people, so much as I do…

Are We Good?

Nearly every night between 1 and 4 a.m. , this guy wakes me up to let me know that he needs to go potty.  But,…

Stand Your Ground

In recovery, I am reminded consistently that we are never  victims.  This does not mean that people do not intentionally victimize and persecute others, but…

It Might Just Suck

I do not suck, sometimes my behavior does–but THIS- this alllllwaaaaays sucks.  Today is a hard day.  I wake up every single day, so painfully…

On Bullying

Oh-  this post!!!!  What an immense comfort and timely topic.  Bullying, oppression, exclusion- behaviors and attitudes:  not as narrowly defined as we tend to think.…

First, Your Spirit

Lately, I spend every moment possible reading and listening for comfort, from those who have openly navigated troublesome experiences, who possess the inner strength and…

On Gossip

Unable to articulate all that is on my mind, I have decided to share another magical and medicinal post from Momastery.com  I would like to pre-empt…

The Tightrope

You struggle to keep your balance- to not jump- but you just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  You are walking a…

Get Well Soon

My recovery is a wildly unpopular choice, extremely agitating to those who need to be feel in control, play God, the judge, the jury, the punisher,…

The Opposite of Love

Because of intense and atypical sensitivity to both physical and emotional stimulus, I have felt humiliated, not only for being wired differently but for having been…

Independence Day

Surprisingly, it was a very good day.   I forced myself to go sweat it out in the yard, pruning, mowing, weeding.  I always feel…

Be the Nice Kid

How I wished I would have been a nice kid.  Kindness and humility were neither natural nor modeled for me.  I was scared shitless, constantly–with…

Indirect Communication

I don’t really get it.  How is it ever better for relationships and trust, to rely on indirect communication for genuine understanding of needs, wants,…

But Why Though

6:45 a.m.-  It doesn’t even mater why… I woke to crushing anxiety this morning, as I do most, overwhelming, free-floating anxiety tied to nothing in…

Six Things

Frankly, little mattered to me before motherhood. Life has has never, NOT felt incredibly difficult and unnatural for me.  Having sensory issues is difficult. Even…

Abuse is Abuse

Sound familiar? So, this is my modified version of the Narcissists Prayer. I have re-evaluated my need to label others as addicts or narcissists.  In my…

A Letter From My Sons

http://homedesigndecormag.com/article/1092Dear Aunt Catherine, Spending time with you makes us feel bad; bad about you, bad about our mom, our grandmother, your daughters, and bad about…

Courage to Change

I get that my mother did the best she could…and STILL–what happened to me is not right or acceptable.  I know we differ in many…

happy mothers’ day

Is it unreasonable to wish for a mother who would not contribute to or support initiatives that are guaranteed to escalate tension between her grandsons’…

Every Time I Judge

I used to have immense shame over how I struggled and how I felt, like I was embarrassed for my feelings.  WTF? Difficult feelings were…

Recovery Celebrations

I was alllwaaaays melting down-losing my shit. I had not learned healthy coping skills. For my first 40 years, secondary feelings about my feelings kicked…

Best Days of Our Lives

Last night, Bryan Adams’ song “Best Days of Our Lives” played on the radio.  For a moment I felt nostalgic, reminded of senior year, summer…

Get Over It—Umm Okaaay

People with narcissistic personalities and behaviors often confuse holding a healthy boundary for holding a grudge.  It is prudent,healthy, and fair to openly communicate an unavailability for…

DGAF–I Totally Give

This reminded me of Christmas Dinner 3 years ago while angsting over my contribution of a salad for the evening meal; worried that the dressing…

I am sorry that…

You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing…

AMEN

On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc’d my mother)> wrote: amen C On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m>…

Big Effen Surrender

  Today, I did something different. When I wanted to react, when I wanted to retaliate, to enlighten, I did nothing. I let it be.…