In 2010, my now ex-husband left our home per court direction. But, only after intentionally draining us/me financially. Today, five years into my spiritual recovery, the two of us are collaborating to relocate our family cross-country, together (into separate homes, of course). We still differ fundamentally — at cellular levels…. And i now see this, not as a problem, but a fact.
Spiritual direction allows me the choice to respond maturely, at times with grace, to differences & disturbances. With the good orderly direction of my program, i choose more wholesome behavior for myself, allowing me to transcend the pain of my old ways. Before, my reactions (and initiatives) were more bad and more assy, than wholesome or badass.
This morning, the boys’ dad came by to help us pack (what?!- after years of litigation and not speaking) – and to share with our sons – our extraordinary plan. Serving him a pancake breakfast at my table, with our boys was intense. How is it possible to feel this strong and fragile at once? My courage and vulnerability were equally weighted. Only in my faith can i honestly grieve, accept, and treasure what is. And again, i am reminded… i can never fully know what is possible. Us, working together in this way defies reality.
With faith in god to keep me grounded and safe, what ex says, thinks, does — might affect me, but it does not control me. His voice, words, actions, facial expressions, and feelings are his…. Not a reflection of me – but of his own mood and condition. No matter whether kind nor unkind.
Though welcoming and willing to accept what is happening, i am also intentionally mindful of the fact that he is still who he is… sometimes agreeable- provided he feels in control and that he is working toward something that he desires, on his terms. I am also mindful that times less agreeable are not entirely behind us.
We were bad at marriage and we are totally badass in divorce. My reliance on god is the only explanation for what seems to be an undoing of all space and time between us. For so many reasons, this should never have been possible.