Golden Memories

Thank you, Joel Osteen, for a reminder that life is about making memories.  Shared experiences and connections….rather than required and posed photos with others in close proximity.  I have too many photos suggestive of good times and connection and have been often saddened that the lack of posed photos in recent years is proof of the opposite.  Truth, I hide from the camera because pictures can lie…or worse, they can tell the truth!  For OUR 2016 Thanksgiving, however, it would have been nice to have someone snapping pictures on the down-low, of us just doing our thing, laughing, playing, being who we are.  Journalistic photos are my fave.  Posing genuinely 100% pains me.  I wouldn’t mind some photos of us, in action, enjoying ourselves each other.

In addition to OUR sweet Thanksgiving Day,  today, the Sunday after Thanksgiving (maybe the start of a ritual-memory making) we decorated both Christmas Trees, while listening to COUNTRY holiday music- taking breaks to throw football, walk dogs, and eat pizza.   I experience the joy in simple moments when I am present enough to just show up.  I don’t recall too many good moments in my life.  I recall pretending but not feeling truly good, present, visible, and welcome.  For special occasions, I must ride only with those who will help me push!

It is said that I recall only bad things or that the bad things are figments of my imagination. A historical revisionist is what I am called…by those whom, when I report being cold, offer me a thermostat reading rather than a blanket OR meet my expression of hunger with a report of the approximate time of my last feeding, rather than a sandwich.   My more complex feelings like fear and anxiety are addressed with equal interest and compassion.  Having my physical and emotional reality judged or disputed, kinda messes me up.

I cannot choose my feelings, only how I respond to them and with whom I share them..  I don’t know how to not feel what I feel Or to feel what I do not.  I have sure tried, with food, a loveless marriage, sex, shopping, alcohol, drugs, geography…..None brought relief, only distraction.  When I am working on numbing or denying my pain I am blocking myself also from joy and connection.

We have made two precious memory days, nearly back to back. With a unity of purpose, none of us felt herded. We were fluid and non-confused.   Just for today, I am learning to being present for those who WANT to connect and make memories.  Together, to me is much much more than being in the same place or at the same table.  Proximity is no proxy for connection.  Wholesome connection is breath-taking and badass!  Anything less for the special days is just bad.

For shorter posts, connect with me on Instagram- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

WBA@wholesomebadass.com

Author: Wholesome BadAss

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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