I Choose to Share, Heal, Expand-I Write the Ending

When a person touches us and it feels wrong, IT IS.  100% unacceptable– to be touched in ways that feel yucky, unwanted, unwholesome.  IT happening, is the beginning.  After the moment passes, the wreckage persists- governing all that will follow. My downward spiral continued until…. I realized I could no longer continue suffering, struggling, thinking, fearing as I had for decades.  The Gift Of Desperation— 100% clarity– IT(the residual insanity) shall no longer be denied or allowed to continue.  GOD and faith replaced fear and shame, as my new navigational tools.  Today, I am led by  Good Orderly Direction.

Being unable at the time to identify and articulate confusing encounters with my older sister (and later, others),  resulted in incomprehensible demoralization.  I became “inexplicably” hysterical while she remained artfully buttoned up.  And from there it unfolded.  The impossible girl who can’t cope and the seemingly unruffled older sister, going along as if her only real issue is her troubling sister.   She scored a shit-load of traction off of my hysteria.   In fact, it saved defined elevated her.    The dynamic made me want to disappear- to which I dedicated impressive efforts.  I used geography, alcohol, drugs, men, men on drugs, food-lots of food, no food.

Continue reading “I Choose to Share, Heal, Expand-I Write the Ending”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I have confidence that you will find countless, possibly un or subconscious ways to reject me, put me in my place before you are finished with me.  I find your support of my sister’s abuse from my earliest memories to be unforgivable.  You want peace, maybe a single effort or word, authentically suggestive of healing would be a start.  You denied me a loving and safe childhood and now knowingly behave in ways that diminish my serenity as an adult.  If your passing, is the only thing to prevent you from harming me further, well that is a devastating truth.   I will no longer allow you to cherry pick from my life- denying and attacking the parts you don’t favor and grabbing righteously at the parts that please you.  “Low hanging fruits”–keeps coming to mind. Continue reading “Letter to Mom”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Letter To Self

December 26,2016
Dear Self,

Re: the Matter of Your Female Progenitor and Sibling:

Enjoy the esteem of knowing, you have shown up and have given more than most can understand. You stayed. You refused the urge to retaliate and to run from what is. You stood, upright(mostly) with open arms and hands, asking begging “What can we do to improve things?” Those are behaviors of a wholesome badAss 100%.  You showed up for your family and yourself-resisting the invitation to the war they waged. They needed for you to participate in the drama and you felt the call—and resisted.  Fk yeh! Continue reading “Letter To Self”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Saying Ouch

Santa surprised us by delivering a day early.  Boys received what must surely complete our collection of all the latest nerf artillery.  The Mega-Mastadon unloads a full round of 24 sausage sized bullets at high speed.  My lil SPD is unaffected by high impact to his skin.  Seriously, he had second degree burns as a toddler and barely flinched, received  most of his vaccinations without a peep and generally does not know the source of his bruises.  So, what he easily forgets is that most of us are more sensitive in this way and some people are especially sensitive…not just physically but emotionally also. Continue reading “Saying Ouch”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

AMEN

On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc’d my mother)> wrote:

amen

C

On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m> wrote: 

Dear M,

I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you. You have always been the impossible.   When people behave badly to you it is because you need to change….not because they have work to do on themselves. It is not that they are incapable of being loving. It is your unworthiness. Clearly. None the less, we would allow you to join US for dinner.

Meeting R. and collaborating with someone who knows you to be as difficult as we do has been like a breath of fresh air. Totally affirming. As soon as you do as we like- transform yourself into someone who does not cause others to be abusive, and withholding, we will be ready to consider this healthy connection you claim to want. Until then, there is really nothing we can or are willing to do.

It is not that we are unloving— so much as that you are and always have been unlovable. As soon as you acknowledge this and get to work on it, we will be ready for something better. If you have discomfort around us, that is your problem. why must you try to make us concern ourselves. Don’t you get it, you are responsible for your own bad feelings as well as for ours. you have no power to change or discuss, only option is to pretend. Just do it!

That you worked through a litigious divorce after a loveless marriage to move here in partnership with your ex is miraculous. To have forfeited that just by being you and all that you may have said or done in the previous 4 decades is unfortunate. We claim to not be angry but seize every opportunity to discuss with others your sins…that we are not mad about.

In spite of being the mean spirited bully you always have been, we would allow you to sit at our table. You don’t even have to thank us. The truth is we want access to your boys and will do anything to have it— but work though OUR mess. Having R. has been a nice way to circumvent this. He is so willing and accommodating. Even he might forgive you if you would just do as you are told. The boys are old enough to handle the added stress of this.

Please stop asking to heal the damage. The divisive email was necessary and we choose to be in charge of the division and expect you to just accept your lot and come when called.

Just take your well-earned licks and chalk it up to sucking and saying unfortunate things over the course of your life. You owe us.   We will never directly acknowledge or apologize for any word or action of our own.

While we have compromised the quality of our relationships with your boys, we are confident that over time we can win them with cool gifts and parties and compliments.. Rest assured this email will go unanswered as do most or we will respond affirming our rightness and your unworthiness as F. did 20 years ago and again from C. each time you refused an uncomfortable gathering over the last 10 years. We hate the way you handle your pain AND are unwilling to acknowledge that we have anything to do with the strain you feel in our company.

We like to tell others how you flipped out at our therapy session and had to leave the room. We don’t tell them why or that you were pregnant and had an eleven month old– and miscarried on that day…just that you are a disaster. Again, we would let you come back despite the fact we have insured you can never truly be comfortable with those included in the family email your sister graciously composed in order to save the family.   She would do anything for our family, including let you come back to it.

From,

 

The Collective

I received  an Evite reminder for my sister’s family dinner to which I have not RSVPd.  Feeling mis-understood and undervalued I sent the above email of what it is like for me, now living in the same town as my MCRs.  I honestly thought I might get an “Oh Dear, is that how you feel?”  or  “What can we do to make things be different?  That sounds painful.”  Historical evidence offers no reason to hope for any such response.  My mother assures me my sister wants closeness…. but I have experienced her in very non-close and safe way. Believing she had demonstrated her truth by her overt expression of her position in her initial email attack.  Her Amen is a gift.  I am be free from the lie that she is kind and wants a family relationship that is wholesome and good, free to defy the demand that I get over it and come when called.  Not gonna happen.

My sister’s email response here has cleared it up any remaining confusion(for me and those who love me).  She qualified her response in a second email by saying, “Oh, I thought mom wrote it.”  Oh, ok then, well count me in for YOUR family dinner.  Thank you for clarifying.

I am beeeeeyond grateful for the restraint to have said  nothing to her for the past months other than “please stop”.  In my program, we are reminded  “More will be revealed”.  True.  I don’t have to illuminate the truth for my mother or show her what is behind the curtains of my sister.  I don’t need to apologize for wanting to avoid righteous and angry initiatives directed at me and then denied.  Happy Holidays, yo!  A-fucken-Men—for sure!  Acknowledging the darkness is Wholesome and essential. Moving away from darkness is for BadAsses. Technically, It would be easier to deny it.  But spiritual death is not something I will model for my boys.

 

 

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

If you can’t convince them, confuse them

In between wrapping gifts and singing along to Country Christmas, I am taken down by the grief of my sister and my mother, the reality of how they smash and grab– seizing what they want, as they like.  I received the email below, following my direct request to postpone one Sunday dinner– until WE resolve some tensions. 

Continue reading “If you can’t convince them, confuse them”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/