In between wrapping gifts and singing along to Country Christmas, I am taken down by the grief of my sister and my mother, the reality of how they smash and grab– seizing what they want, as they like. I received the email below, following my direct request to postpone one Sunday dinner– until WE resolve some tensions.
(Requesting resolution apparently equals cutting off ) I was dismissed “there is nothing to resolve, everything is fine” . AND one week later I hear from my sons of a dinner they attended that included my ex, his sister, my mother and my sister’s family and my children. Still– no tension, just the handiwork of a loving and peace-seeking
sister woman dedicated to the family connection my mother deserves. I responded to my knowledge of that dinner via the email at the bottom of this post. For the record, no previous connection between my ex and my family existed before our move here last year. All they knew of him was the hardship he imposed throughout our litigious and lengthy divorce. He knew I didn’t speak to them for reasons now illuminated by this behavior. I recall when I was young, my mother telling me “Your enemy’s enemy is your best friend”. I think I understand.
Tonight, the ex and my genetic links gather for my older son’s birthday dinner—and as noted below, “I am welcome to join.”
There is judgment and feigned confusion as to why I do not. This unwholesome dynamic has destroyed the co-parenting miracles my ex and I had managed– and continues to compromise the innocence and serenity of my young sons. I find this difficult to accept or forget or escape. Deep sigh. I am not convinced or confused. I am crystal effing clear as to what I am dealing with. Loveless, faithless, controlling smash and grab. Detachment here is for BadAsses. Leaving her for the universe to deal with is the best I can do.
You just don’t get it.
You were a part of our family dinners until YOU cut us off. Your behavior is at the root of this typical conflict that you have fabricated and spun out of control.
What is important is that Oliver and Will remain connected to their grandmother-who has survived cancer and cherishes her grandchildren-all of them.
You will not destroy this too. My entire family cares deeply about Oliver and Will and have done everything possible to provide them with a sense of love and family.
You are a mean spirited bully-and always have been.
Anytime you would like to rejoin our family gatherings and behave like a true member of our family, you can but I don’t have high hopes that you are capable of this.
On Aug 14, 2016, at 9:32 PM, <m> wrote:
To think that it is easier to invite my ex husband and his sister (who played a large part in the destruction of our family) to dinner than to have a difficult conversation with me says it all.
Please share and indulge your ideas and messages with each other— the message you have sent my children and my ex husband and his sister are loud and clear-whether you mean to or not there is a message there about ME that is unwholesome and costs my boys their innocence.
Please stop. You might be getting something you want but it comes at the expense of my children. I am begging you to just stop and not waste one word ever telling me why you do, did or might do again what you did tonight. Be right all you want but leave my kids out of this mess. Please. Have some respect for their innocence.
I asked repeatedly that we resolve our issues separately….and this is far from the act of people who want a relationship with me.
You have won. You crushed me. I cant stop you. But if you proceed, do so with the knowledge of what you are choosing. Again.
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