BadAss Friends

I turned this online quote into a lil Christmas tree reminder of what I have to celebrate this holiday season.  BadAss Friends!  Time and energy wasting, retreating from wholesome connection-  leaving myself utterly joyless and 100% unfun STOPS now.  I must redirect myself as many times as it takes- to celebrate and honor YOU!  Today, I will intentionally acknowledge the unconditional love and kindness, laughter and tenderness, of those who will openly and kindly disagree with me and treasure me.  That is BadAss Love!

In the past 18 months, I have disappeared almost entirely, from my Trusted Others OR am crying AT them to gasp in awe, with me at the tooootallly consistent behaviors of my MCRs…. pawing for validation of, or soothing from the emotional violence directed at me.  BadAss Friends listen. They love (the verb-not the feeling) They do not judge or disappear, no matter how tiring and repetitive.  Thank you. Continue reading “BadAss Friends”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Most Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeear

screen-shot-2016-12-20-at-11-12-55-amIt’s not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. For those of who’ve lost family members to death or estrangement, the holidays are difficult.  To cope, some drop from bridges into oncoming traffic while others soldier through with as many drinks or slices of pie as it takes, any number of ways to numb, more socially acceptable than honestly addressing the feelings and behaviors which would be a step toward healing and lasting connection.  I stand in solidarity with all who feel weepy, anxious, maybe even ashamed at this time of year.   Disconnection, on days in which the calendar and social media are intended as proof of connection, is difficult.  I ♥Brene Brown’s live-changing TED Talk on Vulnerability.  I am not yet healed, but now on the path to healing. Continue reading “Most Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeear”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Safe Distance is not Non-love

Over the summer, we discovered a rather large (imho-6 ft long) black snake in my garage.  My boyfriend and I bonded and laughed immensely over our efforts to corral it outside.  I notified Greg that if he killed it we would be finished.  He assured me he would only hit it with a hammer if needed.  And– I re-affirmed, that nothing gets killed in my home by people I trust.  I have 100% faith that our visitor was fully disinterested in engaging us, as well as non-poisonous.  It would have been less frightening I think, if it would have been lavender or stripey.  He was just a snake doing snake things-but the big and the black is something we are trained to fear.
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When I shared our adventure in snake herding with one of my MCRs, her objection, to the way our snake was handled, felt like contempt– for our elected removal rather than destruction of it. She haaaates snakes.   I do not hate,weaken, or destroy things that make me uncomfortable.  In this way, I differ from the family from which I come.  I do not like snakes or bugs, but they are not the enemies.  True, I prefer them outside of my home.  But the idea of killing hurts my soul.  Even the execution of the sickest individuals who have done the most atrocious and unforgivable things pains me.
I can dislike and even fear someone or something without feeling called to annihilate.  My MCRs are far more dangerous and upsetting to me than even the most poisonous snake.   Like my visiting snake, I just need to live and let live, in safety.  Funny, each time I enter the garage, I do look for him and am almmoooost disappointed when I don’t spot him or a shedded skin left behind.  In a strange way, I love him.  Loving the things we cannot control is for BadAsses.  It is too difficult for others…  Love the verb-not the feeling.
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Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Even The Broken Clock is Right Twice a Day

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Progress not perfection.  Check it out!  So, I purchased this can of shaving cream on clearance for $0.48 at shave-cream-trashFood Lion.  I bought 5 of them, actually.  The one shown in the trash bin was number 4 in my sequence of use.  After using only  25% of the product, it stopped putting out(for no good reason…oh wait, is it broken?)  I removed the top, and got a teeny tiny bit out. Feeling the weight of the remaining shaving cream–knowing it was in there, dammit, I wanted it, almost to the point of obsession.   To avoid being late for appointments, I brought can #5 into play which functions just fine. But– when I am showering without time limitation, I sit on that shower bench and work haaard, holding the can every which way, blasting it with hot water, using a safety pin to clear the valve, turning the dispenser top.  Total bullshit insanity.  But wait– 4 out of 27 times I have managed to extract just enough to shave an armpit, re-enforcing for me that maaaaybe, if I try hard enough, I can get just a little bit of what I need.  I know it is there.  Aaah, the broken effing clock strikes again.

Today was a turning point. Whatever shaving cream I squeeze from the can is not worth the effort.  It s broken, not a reflection of my brokenness.  There are other cans—that work!!  Honestly, that shitty purple can mocked me from the shower ledge.  I felt like a loser for– a) buying it b) not being able to make it work c) trying too hard d) giving up. This is a fantastic metaphor for my entanglement with my MCRs.  It is not necessary or healthy to try so hard to get what I need.  Letting go is not losing, it is making way for what works.  Let go or be dragged, right?  Oh….The broken clock in its many forms!

Tryyyyying too hard, that is a sign that I am forcing or denying, relying on willful determination. My need to tryyyyyy in this way can be traced back to my fears of scarcity and unworthiness.  But those, those are the lies and myths.  There is plenty of what is needed and I am totally worthy.  I am not great at everything,clearly, but I am nearly perfect at trying every day to do better than I did the day before.  Making better mistakes today than yesterday is for BadAsses.  Forcing and fearing is for bad asses. Continue reading “Even The Broken Clock is Right Twice a Day”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

What We Focus on Grows

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Today, I read.I  interview.  I explore career paths and interests. I am discovering that my strengths while not remarkable, are in writing, operational procedures, logistics, and configuration management.  I find deep and lasting satisfaction and effectiveness when I am engaged in these ways. I am energized.

I MUST resume a more wholesome direction- away from efforts and obsession to make things of 50 years be different.  Beneath my despair and grief of the family I never had, there is the energy of who I really am, right there with my unique gifts, to enjoy, expand, and to share.  I will be intentional today.  What I focus on grows. Continue reading “What We Focus on Grows”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

No is a complete sentence.

Hi Friends,

This eCard is fantastic.  My discovery of  a calm “no”, for my ex and family of origin is new behavior- and can be counted on either to be ignored or to incite war.  Dismissal and reprisal are reminders that it is best for me to limit proximity to anyone feeling inclined to diminish or dominate in these ways.

From me, a definitive NO without anger, profanity, fear, or volume is progress.   Though apparently, it is confusing for those insistent on always being right  — accustomed to provoking me until I lose it and become  hysterical,  substantiatng my need for unkindness or mental help.  No. Nope.  Ah,Ah. Ok, sorry that won’t work out but let’s work together for a better arrangement.  It is acceptable for people to say No as needed.  Honoring boundaries is for BadAsses.  It is too much for others.

Continue reading “No is a complete sentence.”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/