When Your Mother Is Just Not That Into You

I learned today that my mother is not doing well.  She will go for a CATscan next week and then there will be information regarding the status of her health.  I suspect my sister will share the info with my ex-husband to pass on to me, which is….. whatever.   And here his the thing.  If my mother passed tomorrow, I know I wouldn’t have done one thing from the past 10 years differently.  I showed up and served and reached out time after time.  I took all the risk.   I made myself available and vulnerable for service, healing, and connection….repeatedly and was handled like a dirty diaper, because I made decisions for my family that were best for us.

My refusal to show up for dinners and events and pretending that this didn’t and does not still happen or hurt,  is the choice I make.  Will her passing change things?  It will not change my values or my responsibility for my own self-preservation.  My mother’s rejection of my requests to heal, in addition to her overt disrespect for my detachment from situations that are harmful, keep us where we are.   The presence of a loving, loyal, supportive mother will be no less in 20 years than it is today or last year.  This is a painful truth- not one I can change-just accept.

I can hear it now… “She is impossible to love”, because that feels safer than saying “I was unable to give her the love she deserved”.  Or “She was incapable of feeling love”.  Again, safer than saying, “I am incapable of being loving and vulnerable”.    Why would I want to engage or expose myself to those so utterly right, at my expense?  I Surrender!     I am no longer ashamed of the way you behave towards me.  That is your business 100%  Be right.  Just do it over there and leave me to my life with those who feel and show love for me.  Surrender is for Badasses.  I fucken surrender my mother and sister.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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GPS Your Heart

Before recovery, I survived as a series of mostly unfortunate reactions.  Consumed by confusion and fear of others people’s needs, demands, and criticisms I  pinballed through my life- seeking only to hurt less.  Never still nor quiet enough to hear what was in my heart­♥.  I lacked G.O.D.–Good Orderly Direction.   What was clear and true in my FOO, I should get small and shut up(contract)-be less inconvenient…irritating.  Overly sensitive and highly strung, my presence invited my family to lash out at me for the burden of my expression of feelings.  The lashing and banishing made me become louder and more frantic.  My experiences are not universal truths, yet they are real and they are MINE.  Sharing my experience is how I connect and heal and grow.  I go where I grow.

Continue reading “GPS Your Heart”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Together We Rise–Yes We Do

Today the world feels safer, to me.  Millions willing to speak truth to power, communicating with peaceful and united action.  I intend to
follow directions offered on Michael Moore’s Facebook page and stick close to those whose values, actions, and words are aligned with kindness and love for people.  All people. There is but one way, together.

My ♥ feels fuller and stronger.  Feelings of hope and peace almost make me feel mentally unstable– after a solid year of sustained despair. Expansion under oppression is painful.  The world is shifting– and there are those so deeply encamped, that transformation and progress feel threatening.  My prayer:  Bless them, change me.  Always.   This is ONE Wholesome Badass movement in our history.  One of many.  It is true that my spirituality  is my greatest contribution to my parenting-raising children to not sit quietly while others are being diminished or denied.  Like Glennon said, “I don’t give a shit if they get straight A’s or are popular.”  What matters is that they are kind and compassionate.  I will remind them frequently;  “There is nobody that matters more than you.”   “And nobody that matters less”.   Continue reading “Together We Rise–Yes We Do”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Knowing and Using Our Power for Good

“I will not pretend to feel what I do not feel or to want what I do not want.  I can only learn to love myself if I am willing to learn who I am.(….)  I may not choose to act on those feelings or desires, but I won’t hide them from myself.” I will not deny parts of myself for the comfort of others any more than I will await permission to feel my feelings and meet my needs.  I finally understand what it means to give away power and am no longer willing because I am learning to do better.  Powerful women choose love and serenity.  I haaated it when people would say  “Don’t be so quick to give away your power.”  I had no idea what that meant or how NOT to.  Contraction and explosive rage were what we practiced in our home.  Contraction to suit others and explosive or passive-aggressive rage when it seemed impossible to contract tightly enough.

For some, contraction is a way of life and they require it of others and are quick to retaliate at those who do not.    I am raising two lil expansive and self-actualized lovers and seekers of elevation, expansion….authentic connection. Continue reading “Knowing and Using Our Power for Good”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Why Lie?

Just as some of us need more food, sleep, exercise, some of us require more time and space to recover from daily life in this overstimulating world.  So silly and exhausting to try and hide this from others.  Culturally, I guess, it is meant to be impressive, boasting self elected denial of our own needs and casually illuminating all the things we DO instead.  I feel not only relief, but pleasure from admitting that “I just can’t do it.”  Having Trusted Others who share this as a value is a spiritual triumph, especially for those with whom I choose to share a table and a bed.  We mutually and collectively refuse the needless complexity of pretending…..and of tryyyyyyying to hard.

I  fucken love ♥ the total ownership “I am sorry, that is not going to work out.”  Why lie, attempt to twist or shave off parts of myself to make others comfortable?  Where is the prize for that?  Is it a prize I even value?  If we must lie to meet our own needs, maybe it is time to check our needs or those whom require us to lie, in order  to claim our seat at their table.

At the truth-table, Glennon shows us how there are infinite seats, the table just gets bigger.  Grab a seat—capes can be checked at the door.  Martyr is not the same as a Superwoman.

So grateful for all of Glennon’s courageous and brilliant sharing of this value, this way of being in the world.  Check out this hysterical confessional interview with Ann Patchett.  So fun!

What A Fun Book! Lose the Cape
Much Love,
Magda Gee

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But What if I am Gay?

It is ok to be GayEven saying “It is ok to be gay”, sounds arrogant. It is no different from saying it is ok to be black or tall or whatever.

Thank goodness I am not gay.  I barely survived my life as a straight, educated, tall, thin, and white-ish woman.  Being gay in a family where I experienced no sense of love and connection would have shortened my life by half—at least.  Same Sex Interest must be introduced as a part of OUR conversationS about love and intimacy.  My children are at or nearing the age where they will or already do feel attraction and I need for them to have some wisdom and compassion for not only their own experience, but for others.

With no same-sex couples or encounters in their lives or  via tv and movies, it is as if it doesn’t even exist or it is wrong and unspeakable if it does.  Lord have mercy.  Please help me to raise mindful responsible little boys who will know and practice good sexual citizenship and respect those who practice differently.  Please share anything at all.  People’s first response has been that they have nothing to share but then continue talking with me.   And the things they call “nothing”  are totally something.   The gravity of this opportunity to connect and share with my children what I am only just now learning for myself is immense and it is clear we are not meant to do this alone and privately.  I am listening and so are the children.  What are they hearing?  What are they not hearing?

There is so much more to this than I imagined.  Please click anywhere to join me on Youtube for my 3 minute clip.

 

So interesting that I have a person in my life who alllllways wonders and worries that she is or looks gay.  I think that is not unlike wondering if you are an alcoholic.  If you wonder if you are, you probably are.  Just saaaaayin.  There are worse things.  I know some of the most fantastic people who are gay or alcoholic and totally ok with it.  That is what makes them great—the being ok part, in their own skins.  I love this post by Glennon — her fearless expression of comfort with her truth.  This is what the world needs more of.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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