But What if I am Gay?

It is ok to be GayEven saying “It is ok to be gay”, sounds arrogant. It is no different from saying it is ok to be black or tall or whatever.

Thank goodness I am not gay.  I barely survived my life as a straight, educated, tall, thin, and white-ish woman.  Being gay in a family where I experienced no sense of love and connection would have shortened my life by half—at least.  Same Sex Interest must be introduced as a part of OUR conversationS about love and intimacy.  My children are at or nearing the age where they will or already do feel attraction and I need for them to have some wisdom and compassion for not only their own experience, but for others.

With no same-sex couples or encounters in their lives or  via tv and movies, it is as if it doesn’t even exist or it is wrong and unspeakable if it does.  Lord have mercy.  Please help me to raise mindful responsible little boys who will know and practice good sexual citizenship and respect those who practice differently.  Please share anything at all.  People’s first response has been that they have nothing to share but then continue talking with me.   And the things they call “nothing”  are totally something.   The gravity of this opportunity to connect and share with my children what I am only just now learning for myself is immense and it is clear we are not meant to do this alone and privately.  I am listening and so are the children.  What are they hearing?  What are they not hearing?

There is so much more to this than I imagined.  Please click anywhere to join me on Youtube for my 3 minute clip.


So interesting that I have a person in my life who alllllways wonders and worries that she is or looks gay.  I think that is not unlike wondering if you are an alcoholic.  If you wonder if you are, you probably are.  Just saaaaayin.  There are worse things.  I know some of the most fantastic people who are gay or alcoholic and totally ok with it.  That is what makes them great—the being ok part, in their own skins.  I love this post by Glennon — her fearless expression of comfort with her truth.  This is what the world needs more of.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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5 Replies to “But What if I am Gay?”

  1. What about being a woman who is constantly taken as gay? What about being her mother? What about the argument with your best friends, who have known your daughter all her life and still think you are naive or self-deluding, or deluded by your daughter, and you KNOW she is NOT GAY? And you know you are not prejudiced against gays – but now you have to question yourself and question yourself and WISH she had made other choices?

    This is not meant to be helpful to anyone, just to add another shade of blue to the picture. She loves being with men who do mannish things, mechanical things, riding dirt bikes or bigger bikes, doing carpentry; she loves running into men who don’t think women can keep up with them, and leaving them in the dust, or punching their lights out. She also loves running into women like herself, but she almost never does.

    So she gave up on sex, on anything about loving a man or being around babies. Just once in a while she talks about some man – “If he were 10 years older and I were 10 years younger…”

    One of the first thing little boys ought to know and practice is NOT to make comments about girls’ bodies. There’s a bare starting point.

    I wish you and your boys all the best – sex is such a mystery, like the Pillars of Creation out in space somewhere.


    1. JJ-Shades of blue are brilliant. No need to feel “helpful”, as you say. Just present is perfect. The more I read, ask, talk, listen, and write, I see that what I want to know is how to be intentional in teaching love and respect. Having never had models or first hand experience outside of my program of recovery, I feel a lil lost. I have so much raw awareness right now of how they are learning and assessing and reacting to the spoken and spoken messages that are all around. I want to be sure to be a first responder to get in there and front load a little with some topics that maybe difficult to organically address..

      As for body-commenting, it is just better not to do…Too much praise or criticism or invisibility is just a mess. Vanity, insecurity, entitlement, shame–all for things that we mostly cannot take credit for but somehow take blame for.

      You have made a great point and at lest this is an easy one to bring up with them. Thank you for being here with me. For indulging the conversation in whichever way your heart calls you to do so. You are Badass and so is your daughter, of course. Eff those women who need to analyze and speculate. That is inappropriate and childish, as well as hurtful. Give me their numbers. We can have a word.


  2. How we are raised and what we are taught by whomever brings us up is the cornerstone of what will become a child’s, and then an adult’s, beliefs. Hate is not born, it is taught. I am fortunate that I was taught that all people are created equal and I had no right to hate another because they were different from me. When gay people are seen as the same as you and me, with the same wants, needs and dreams, only then will this world truly be a safe and nurturing place for everyone. When I knew that my daughter was gay, I remember thinking “I am so glad that she is a lesbian and not a gay man.” Gay men get beaten, harassed, bullied and murdered many times more than gay women. Not that I ever really believe that my daughter and her wife are actually “safe.” I do not. I just feel that they are 50% more safe. I have to believe this and have faith that she and her wife are educated, strong, and have a supportive community of family, friends and workplaces that help to insulate them.

    When my daughter was just an elementary school child, I started to see differences that made my radar go up. It sounds cliche to list that she was way more into sports, would not wear any girlish clothing, wanted her hair very short, always wanted to be called Sam and not Samantha. I say cliche because I am not gay but when I was young, I was way into sports (a tomboy, of course, then), preferred the company of boys, and hated my parochial school uniform of a dress, preferring pants whenever I could. Just because I loved softball doesn’t mean I’m gay, yet as an adult when I joined a women’s league, there WERE a lot of lesbians and it was assumed that I must be one of them, even though I was publicly always with men as romantic partners. People I’d known for years actually started to awkwardly question me about it. It’s cliche’s and old assumptions that our children now live under.

    I always taught my daughter that no matter who she was attracted to or loved was ok with me. Who she was as a person, as a human being, was much more important than whether she was gay or straight. I started telling her this as young as five years old. I am blessed that my family, all of it, even my own very Catholic grandmother, accepted her with open arms. I didn’t really have to bring “sex” into it until she was around 12. Truthfully, I was relieved that my daughter could not become pregnant accidentally and be a young single mother or trapped in a marriage that she was too young to decide to enter into. These were my experiences and I did not want them for her.

    Love is love is love. Teach your children this and the world surely has a chance for everyone to live in peace. Just like “who would chose to be an alcoholic?”, can you imagine choosing to be gay? Or in our world, a person of color or some religious minority? We straight, educated, white chick have it easy in comparison, though as women we have our own share of struggles because of our gender. Any child hearing “thank goodness I am not gay,” automatically gets the message that it is somehow bad or dangerous to be gay. Even though I do agree that this is somewhat true right now, in this world, we need to take that language out of the every day. Being gay is not a disease like alcoholism. There is no “cure,” or support group to keep them straight. Gay people deserve to be treated like everyone else. I myself have said, in my head, “thank god I am not BLACK,” so I get it. I know that I am guilty of the same/similar utterances. But, I have changed, and I know that my words matter. A lot.
    Children DO listen, whether we are aware of it or not.

    Thanks for opening the dialogue.

    1. Oooooh, fantastic point about saying Thank goodness I am not gay. But let me clarify that I would have chosen gay, if it meant I had a loving and connected family experience. With my fragile sensitivity, I would not have survived in or out of my home–I barely did that. See every comment is helping me to grow and mature into the the type of person who will model the good things for my children. I love that your daughter is married and I do believe safe, or at least definitely safer than any gay or black man ever will be in our society as it is. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am grateful to hear that you had love and connection surrounding you and your daughter. At the end of the day, I am clear that what I want to teach, be, model—is love and connection 360 degrees. But I do not have 360vision all by myself. By degrees i will expand, because of this sharing. Thank you. Thank you! Big love to you and your daughter. My sister is overly concerned with looking gay and others who look like they might be. I find it unsettling. Learning to connect rather than calling out the differences, but while still acknowledging them is a glancing act. I am a work in progress.

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