Before recovery, I survived as a series of
mostly unfortunate reactions. Consumed by confusion and fear of others people’s needs, demands, and criticisms I pinballed through my life- seeking only to hurt less. Never still nor quiet enough to hear what was in my heart♥. I lacked G.O.D.–Good Orderly Direction. What was clear and true in my FOO, I should get small and shut up(contract)-be less inconvenient…irritating. Overly sensitive and highly strung, my presence invited my family to lash out at me for the burden of my expression of feelings. The lashing and banishing made me become louder and more frantic. My experiences are not universal truths, yet they are real and they are MINE. Sharing my experience is how I connect and heal and grow. I go where I grow.
Because my truths and needs conflict with the desires of my FOO(Family of Origin) they resort to openly diminishing words and behaviors intended to ????. My immense Faith in a power greater than
them myself leaves us divided. This is not a problem “to work on” -but an unpleasant fact, to accept. My ♥ is in the right place as I seek to surround myself with and to intentionally engage kindness, respect,expansion and elevation together with others. The FOO has reacted poorly to my reverence to a God in the place of seeking their approval and fearing their reprisal. In recovery, I have found a God of My Understanding to help me navigate and to keep my heart on the path to recovery.
Our mis-alignment is less troubling than my disconnection from The Source. I abandon no-one. Any expectation or accusation that I do so, is untrue and unwholesome. My detachment from those who do and justify demeaning behaviors is a natural consequence of my spiritual striving. Spiritual striving and alignment are 100% Wholesome and Badass. In this way, I am the best human, parent, friend, partner, and employee that I can be. I am a work in progress.