GPS Your Heart

Before recovery, I survived as a series of mostly unfortunate reactions.  Consumed by confusion and fear of others people’s needs, demands, and criticisms I  pinballed through my life- seeking only to hurt less.  Never still nor quiet enough to hear what was in my heart­♥.  I lacked G.O.D.–Good Orderly Direction.   What was clear and true in my FOO, I should get small and shut up(contract)-be less inconvenient…irritating.  Overly sensitive and highly strung, my presence invited my family to lash out at me for the burden of my expression of feelings.  The lashing and banishing made me become louder and more frantic.  My experiences are not universal truths, yet they are real and they are MINE.  Sharing my experience is how I connect and heal and grow.  I go where I grow.

Because my truths and needs conflict with the desires of  my FOO(Family of Origin) they resort to openly diminishing words and behaviors intended to ????.  My immense Faith in a power greater than them myself leaves us divided.   This is not a problem “to work on” -but an unpleasant fact, to accept.  My ♥ is in the right place as I seek to surround myself  with and to intentionally engage kindness, respect,expansion and elevation together with others.  The FOO has reacted poorly to my reverence to a God in the place of seeking their approval and fearing their reprisal.  In recovery, I have found a God of My Understanding to help me navigate and to keep my heart on the path to recovery.

Our mis-alignment is less troubling than my disconnection from The Source.  I abandon no-one.  Any expectation or accusation that I do so, is untrue and unwholesome.   My detachment from those who do and justify demeaning behaviors is a natural consequence of my spiritual striving.  Spiritual striving and alignment are 100% Wholesome and Badass.   In this way, I am the best human, parent, friend, partner, and employee that I can be.  I am a work in progress.

 

 

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Author: Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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7 Comments on "GPS Your Heart"

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JoJo
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Wholesome-
As I shopped for clothes yesterday, it hit like a ton of bricks at some point it was decided that women and girls should seek ways to become a size ZERO. Your post made me think of this. Being asked to be and to play small to make room for others who need to feel big. Fuck that. Source seeking and aligning is right on. Thank you for your presence. I will be back. I tried to comment before but it was impossible. Thanks for whatever you did to make it EZ.

JoJo

Cheryl
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Awesomeness

janet knori
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My Dahling, This is one of your best yet. Well, ir rings a big, deep-sounding bell in my heart. In my FOO, zeroness was not the issue – we were all supposed to be SOMETHING, but we didn’t get to choose. Mother had one set of criteria, Dad had another. I preferred my dad’s ideals and accomplishments, thought Mother’s were frivolous and shrinking. Intellectually and aesthetically she was a midget compared to Dad. However, and this is a YUGE (sic) however, Dad felt that women were constitutionally incapable of reaching the upper regions of human accomplishment. In his words, and… Read more »
Heidi
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One finally reaches a point, that they know, they are not validated by others, but ultimately only by THEMSELVES.

Maureen
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Fantastic blog. Brought to mind a lot of thoughts that are just too raw to share publicly. Really great feedback in the comments too.

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