Prayer Works!

I continue ending my days by saying thank you for the blessings in my life- for each new day between the most recent indignity from my family and me.  It is a bitter-sweet reality to be free of the dynamic.  Recovery changed me at a cellular level, allowing me to unlearn things; like believing it acceptable to attack people’s personalities or character when they disturb me.  What a menacing way to be in the world.  I recall how I would hear a fantastic insult and mentally bookmark it for future use-100% sure that attacking and diminishing were necessary and inevitable responses to disturbance.  I would find someone to blame for my discontent, talk shit about, and go after them.  I forgive myself that♥ . Now that I know better,  I choose to do better and to avoid those behaving in this way.  As an adult, I am free to choose space from the raging of others.  As a mother, it is my responsibility to model practices of recovery and serenity.

I feel positive about my consistent and repeated efforts to meet for resolution….or intent to go NO Contact with my MCR’s, who are generous with damaging words and behaviors towards me.  Not gonna lie, it stings that NO Contact is preferable to resolving.  I cannot recall the last time I called someone a name or tried to diminish them.  Ok–I can, but I don’t feel good about it and it was more than 2 years ago and I didn’t rape him for a shared meal.  I was wrong in the way in which I said what I said.  My attitude was nasty and righteous.  It was a work situation in which I lost my temper and I knew better and made amends later.  For decades, I honestly did NOT know another way.  I had family, friends, boyfriends, and a husband who all do/did this.  I cant change that, but  I do now avoid it.  This is about healing not forgiveness, a concept I am striving to understand more deeply.  Forgiving doesn’t mean I am ready to have lunch with a person who I feel abused by.  It just means the bitterness doesn’t own me, anymore.  Here is a little from Anne Lamott on forgiveness.  She is a spiritual gangsta.  I savor her every word.

My children and I visited Charlotte 5 years ago and were asked to have a “family dinner” inspite of harsh things said one too many times to me.  My sister told me I was awful, mean, a piece of work, and thought of nobody but myself: for responding to the invite with “I am happy to have a family dinner once we address some of the tension.”  She responded seven different ways demanding how “THIS is for mom” and I parroted my previous sentiment each time in response.  When I forwarded my sister’s attacking texts to my mother, her response was “Well no wonder– you kept saying the same thing over and over”.  Again I was told, it serves me right.   I do not accept any justification for attacking others. Period.  I reject that behavior and proximity to it.

I don’t know how much longer my mother will be around or if I will have enough recovery, in her final days, to not say  “I am so sorry that we missed so much time together because we could not resolve.”   I give thanks for another day free from attacks, leaving me present and more patient during our extended school vacation.  It feels good, sane.  I will continue with my morning prayer, seeking help to direct my thinking at elevating the quality of the day.  The shower seems an especially difficult place to keep my thoughts pure.  Maybe I will stop showering. haha.  I will need to be more mindful of each part of my shower that I am grateful for.  Staying vigilant over my thinking is exhausting.

Wholesome thinking is a spiritual practice and 100% Badass!  It is hard work.  Too easy to default to rehearsal and rehashing. With each day of no abuse, I heal.  Healing is for Badasses.  


Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass

5 Replies to “Prayer Works!”

  1. Aw man, I also do my most obsessive and negative scheming in the shower…WHY, I do not know. Tomorrow, I will attempt a meditative shower focusing on my five senses. I am terrible at slow still meditating but can get very focused when my body and senses are engaged on something pleasant, like the shower is meant to be. I love the steam, the scents of each of my products, the feel of the suds, and my inability to hear anything outside of my own head.

    As for No Contact–that is not a choice anyone wants to make, but life is too short to hang out with abusers for any amount of time. Even if it is NOT abuse abuse….if you feel abused and diminished, it is bad for you. We don’t get to choose our feelings, only how we handle them.

    I will be Badass meditative ninja in the shower tomorrow. Thanks!

  2. WE all lose our sh#t sometimes and say hurtful things. I do it more than I like, but I also know that if I want to put some trust back in the relationship, I have to acknowledge being hurtful. Sometimes, I find out through the grapevine that I have hurt someone unknowingly. Even though, I feel I have done nothing wrong, and even if the person is not someone with whom I feel a meaningful connection, I address them. I apologize “that my words or actions have been hurtful”.

    I resent when people apologize TO me for my feelings. “I am sorry if you feel….” That is a definitely perfectionist coward move….and from them, I move on. It is not generally safe with them. Sounds like your FOO may be good candidates for “just moving on”. Sorry, buddy. I have not read of anything in your perspective that suggests they care to connect with you. Is is possible you are missing it and they are trying to connect in healthy ways? Maybe try to see what they “offer” from a different perspective??

    1. Yes, the awful ” I’m sorry you feel that way”!
      So underhanded and lacking ANY actual shred of acknowledgement for their doings. It’s more of an apology FOR you than To you. Anyone who says this doesn’t actually care what they’ve done.

      1. Thanks G! It is so typical of certain types. Many people actually believe themselves to be in a state of grace while emphatically apologizing for the feelings of someone else. I like the way you said that—an apology FOR YOU not to you. Total Horseshit move!

        So glad you were able to stop by and weigh in.

  3. A.Fish-
    It would be an absolute miracle if I could see a glimmer of an offering to connect. From where I stand, I do see no evidence of an interest in healing and each acknowledging what is needed to elevate what exists between us. Nothing but damage, and their desire to have access to my sons. Since they can gain access by communing with my ex, they have elected that route.

    I will continue to stand by my decade old offer to meet to resolve and improve, though this is received as inflammatory each time. But just like my response to my sister’s texts. How they feel about my reality doe not change or invalidate it. So, and I feel strongly that it is a wholesome request and offer.

    Thanks for stopping by and for weighing in!

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