Money-Not the Problem, Not the Solution

Money Is not my problem or my solution. Though it is nice when it is not a constant concern!!  When my boys were tiny and chronically ill with a father who could not be counted on to provide his share of costs, three different Trusted Others offered to $$ help, asking how much I needed?  There was no magical amount that would fix IT. The ability to make a living and support US, is what I needed.  No longer wanting or willing to accept gifts or loans, because a month or two down the road, I’d be in the same situation…only with more debt and less self-esteem. That was a turning point for me.  I walked dogs, ran errands for the elderly, cleaned homes and took my children with me.  We sought and nabbed discarded items from the curb side to sell on Craig’s List. We collected and turned in recycling like crazy. My boys did this with me and it was difficult and amazing that we held it together for a few years with my mother’s heroic 2 years of mortgage and pre-school tuition payments(even while we were mostly not speaking).

On my final visit to court for collection of unpaid court ordered amounts for care and support of our boys who were tiny and constantly ill with respiratory issues, I was dismissed by a judge who told me if I was serious about wanting to work, that I could drop my kids off at the hospital day care on those days without requiring ex to be burdened. The ex laughed and felt totally affirmed.  On that day,  I surrendered all future efforts toward collecting or expecting from him. People ask why—because I don’t have the fight in me. I get emotional and look unstable while he stoically denies and justifies. It is a reminder that emotional stoicism offers a façade of credibility that I cannot compete with.

Many good people were remarkably generous with us in those days when my boys were small and I was alone. I can not repay Growing Garden Preschool in Redondo Beach for the generous scholarship and gifts they gave us, in addition to a safe,loving, and nurturing environment. I cannot pay back those who paid me to do things that maybe they could’ve done themselves. I cannot pay back my mother for the  mortgage and tuition support.

My commitment to being financially self supporting, though struggling like crazy, is esteemable action that I learned in recovery. No longer begging or fighting for monies owed by my ex or money needed from my mother offers me freedom and dignity.  Daily, I pay it forward. I, however, in this moment am beating myself up a little, after driving past a woman on the corner with a baby and a sign asking for money. Wouldn’t even look her in the eye. I did not pay it forward and I tried to subliminally erase her. 98% of the time, I offer money and/or a snack or water depending on what I have in my possession and always eye contact that says “I see you.”.  As a mother, I could have connected with her, let her know she is not alone and not invisible, that she matters and she is loved. After feeding myself, I will return with some cash, a smile and a kind word on my way to get my boys from school.

It is irrelevant that I struggle financially; giving the mother and her baby a little money won’t change my finances, but it will change the vibration of my heart and maybe hers. Money is never the problem or the solution. Paying it forward is always the answer and totally badass.  NOTE: I do not claim to be 100% wholesome or badass.  I am striving in these ways.  Most days, I am doing pretty good.

My boys have been with me on two occasions, once we found 160$ at Costco and another time $867 in a grocery sack in a parking lot.  Both times, we were successful in returning the money to very grateful people.  It was painful, because I wanted it and needed it badly.  I was recovered enough to know, it would not improve our lives as much as it would pain the person who lost it.  Finding and returning that money with my boys is one of the gifts of recovery.  When distraught restaurant owner claimed the bag of $867, they offered a small amount in thanks…I declined, telling them that what I really would appreciate was help finding work that would accommodate my situation of many days home with sick children.  They tried.

I am a work in progress.  Doing one next right thing at a time.  I will head to the corner now to see if the mother in need is still there and to ask what I can do for her.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Fascinating and Affirming Article on Narcissism and Gas-lighting

The language of this  article feels so intense and psychotic, because this is intense and psychotic…and it is 100% my experience with my sister.  There is no answer or solution other than No Contact.  Sadly my 84 year old mother with cancer is her willing and enabling hostage.  Unless I submit to this, she will not see or speak to me.  I wonder what that is called, besides “your mom doesn’t want you-you got screwed”.Narcissist's Prayer

Click here to read the full article.  I just skimmed and read the 20 bold bulleted behaviors.  Apparently, while this is shocking, it is not uncommon.  Behavior #s 1,2,3,5,9,…Ok, well pretty much all of them are part of our story.

Sensitive ones, BEWARE of these behaviors!  They will make you feel crazy and sad and unworthy.  You are not.  You do not cause or imagine the insanity of this dynamic and you cannot cure it.  No Contact is the only real solution.  And they will fight you on that.  Aligning with my ex is the perfect affirmation of what I have known all along about my sister, who is terrified that as an adult in recovery who knows what only I know of her, that she must do this.  She cannot trust me more than she trusts herself.

I will pray for compassion for her–from a safe distance.  I give thanks for enough recovery and self-love to allow myself to continue healing.  My engagement stops here.  What is most upsetting is the toll on the innocence of my young sons as they are forced to navigate her antics as she circumvents me by foreign unwholesome alliance with my Ex.  She righteously breaks all girl code with this arrangement.

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Wake The Fuck Up

First off, I will say that yelling and saying FUCK is neither wholesome nor badass.  This is a point of departure for me, not my final destination.  I am a work in progress…Unlearning and reparenting myself requires revisiting the pain from the past which threatens to haunt the present if I do not identify and unhook from the myths of my childhood experience. Continue reading “Wake The Fuck Up”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

The Games Continue

My sister hosted my ex husband and our sweet boys yesterday for lunch with my mother.  My younger son, so sensitive and aware, said to me;  “Mom, it is just not right.”  Agreed, It is not right.  I am powerless over the divisive antics and the affects on my children. For my sister and my ex, their connection is proof of being right, aligned in their scarcity mentality where being good enough, great, or loved must present as preference and exclusion.  Translation, my non-inclusion equals bad, unworthy, not enough…..  –or does it, Jilan?

With my 8 and 10 year old sons, they elected to play a game called “Smart Ass”.  Apparently, the best part of the day was getting to hear the word ASS so many times.  Too bad they did not instead play Wholesome BadAss!  My sister’s fawning over my ex; complimenting to the point that my boys told me. Her need for approval or bond with my ex is embarrassing.    I had to ask if he did it back to her, as I know she throws flattery around hoping it will be returned.  Ex was reported to have not engaged that way, which I find hilarious and even more embarrassing since she alone, is hustling for connection(with the man I divorced for reasons unfit for sharing here).  Uh oh-better try harder to be good enough, for even him.   My sister’s desperation for his affection has been pathetic from the start and I can find no compassion for her.  I know that when I do, it will be healing for me.  I will pray for compassion for her.  She cannot help herself.

Ever grateful to be at a different loving table where we elevate and support people, rather than dividing and serving others up, to elevate ourselves.  Remember, I am striving to be Wholesome Badass, not claiming to be one!

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Kindness v. Friendliness

RE: Greg’s kindness:  S2 asked  “Is he that way because his parents are like that?”.  My response segued nicely into expansion of my own “family” experience.  Any excuse at all will do!  Feigning diplomacy, I shared how having grown up with the intense harshness of my childhood home left me lacking any understanding of authentic kindness and gentleness.  I still cannot help but marvel at kind, respectful, gentle natured people.  Intentional and undiscriminating kindness is a rare practice which I strive daily to bring into our focus and existence.  Kindness is in the little things we say and do(or not).  Before recovery, I believed that kindness was reserved for the “worthy”.  In recovery, I have learned we are each worthy of kindness and connection, even at our worst, especially at our worst.  Kindness is always the answer, and has nothing to do with tolerating abuse or being friendly/flattering(gag).   “There is nobody on earth more important than you…and there is nobody on this earth less important than you.”  I find myself repeating this regularly to my children and to myself.  Continue reading “Kindness v. Friendliness”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Speak Your Heart – Listeners Will Listen

Hello Friends,  I have recently discovered what I consider to be the perfect artist.  Perfect, maybe because she doesn’t confuse me- because each of her pieces is deeply personal and relatable with its aesthetic simplicity and raw emotional complexity.  It is not only  “fun” but moving; igniting my neeeeeeed for creative self-expression that connects, soothes, and stirs others, as well as myself, to better, more emotionally honest living.  You can click on any of the text to see Mari Andrew’s complete brilliant collection@ http://bymariandrew.com

Some of my personal favorites:  Thank you  Mari Andrew, for gracing my tiny world!  Just for today, it feels a lil less tiny.  Your willingness to totally own yourself speaks volumes to those of us who have been asked not to—and listened.  xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/