Bless Them, Change Me

So,  I have become increasingly aware of a dynamic, a pattern of behavior that feels icky to me. Because I have been guilty of this, I am inclined to judge it harshly; little tolerance, given the choice. It is true; some days our attitudes and behaviors are better than others.  However, to be cold, diminishing in one moment and then in the next, shower with flattery or  gifty gestures- perhaps to clean the slate??? WHAT IS THAT?? Whatever it is, it is too much for me- confusing, dangerous, and foul.

The vacillating insult,flattery,gifting modality seems a disturbing need to be in charge of how others feel about themselves- controlling and highly non-benevolent-   The “You don’t matter, You are bad, or You are amazing- worthy of gifts and flattery”—with noooothing in the middle resembling authentic kindness.  Kindness is comforting and unconfusing.

Regarding unkindness:  detachment is my only sane solution.  I am unavailable for the guessing who is showing up today-the punisher or the rewarder.  I am either vulnerable and authentic with you or guarded and distant– based on behavior patterns over time.  Patterns don’t lie.  Ideally, they can be changed.  Changing is for badasses.  Punishing and rewarding, as a way of connecting, is a little effed up. More bad and assy than badass and pretty unwholesome.   I will keep praying the prayer: Bless them, Change me.  Please Gawd!  And please oh lawdy, can they just be over there (No Contact) until either they have been blessed enough or I sufficiently changed, please?

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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