We Are Only As Sick As Our Secrets

Hello Friends,

“I’m 44. I’ve been recovering for years in xxxxx meetings for adult children of xxxxxx. With your help, I now own my past. I live in the present with a God of my understanding, and I face the future without fear. I tell you about the pain. I tell you about the anger. I tell you about my shame. I tell you my secrets. With each telling, I heal. I tell and tell and tell, and I’m not sorry. I’m grateful! You accept me as I am, and I find the hollowed-out places fill up with love. With each telling my heart mends and I begin to want to live again.”

That is an excerpt from one of my daily readers.  It says perfectly what I have never managed to articulate for myself.  Coming from a long line of people-erasers and silencers, I am having to learn the truth of what it means not only to be me, but to be my most peaceful, healthy, complete ME.  I can always benefit from more affirming words like these– from those who have gone before me, down the road of recovery.  If you have any similar words, quotes or resources, please feel free to share them in comments or share in an email.

 

Thank you for being with me.

 

Here is one of my favorite songs that resonates with my feelings and life experience in general.  Enjoy

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Being Heard v. Being Erased

In my upbringing I learned all about shutting down–trying to erase you or at the very least, make you feel erased when you differed from,  or maybe even were similar to me, in ways that illuminated my imperfection wrongness.  Generous efforts were dedicated to my own erasing of myself—trying hard to not feel what I felt, to not know what I knew, and to not say what needed to be said.

I see how it was not possible for me to lovingly relate while concerned with erasing and being erased.  Erasures are for mistakes.   If I were a religious person, I might say that “God doesn’t make mistakes, only humans can do that.”  So grateful for a loving God that allows my brokenness to be mended and mistakes amended.  People and the past are for loving and learning, not for erasing.

Listen Listen Listen Love Love Love-Kind Benevolent Gentle

100% WBA

People are for elevating, not erasing.

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

It is not Impossible, but UNpossible

Dear Sister, After watching Alice Through the Looking Glass tonight, I see my continued lack of acceptance for your current arrangement.  Whatever motivates your crusade to have me banished makes a healthy union UNpossible.  This  is what I would say to you, if you were listening for anything but your own voice.  My only regret in this matter is having brought my ex around, knowing the two of you would extract righteous solace from a bond at my expense.  How dare a person like myself walk away from people like you?   Right?    What to do when someone you think so little of, actually rejects the relationship with you…..Achey heart, head and shoulders up, I walk away from unkindness(and that is putting it gently).  For my mother, I am willing to show up for healing with you, no abuse, and no pretending that things are different from how they are.  Healing is badass.  I wish it for you. You cannot feel good about what you have done and said.  You can still make things better.  It is not impossible.  Many times in my life I have made big messes.  Nothing has freed me more than cleaning up after myself.  I wish that for you.  This is a mess!  Too big to go neatly under the rug and the clock is ticking.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Bless Them, Change Me

So,  I have become increasingly aware of a dynamic, a pattern of behavior that feels icky to me. Because I have been guilty of this, I am inclined to judge it harshly; little tolerance, given the choice. It is true; some days our attitudes and behaviors are better than others.  However, to be cold, diminishing in one moment and then in the next, shower with flattery or  gifty gestures- perhaps to clean the slate??? WHAT IS THAT?? Whatever it is, it is too much for me- confusing, dangerous, and foul.

The vacillating insult,flattery,gifting modality seems a disturbing need to be in charge of how others feel about themselves- controlling and highly non-benevolent-   The “You don’t matter, You are bad, or You are amazing- worthy of gifts and flattery”—with noooothing in the middle resembling authentic kindness.  Kindness is comforting and unconfusing.

Regarding unkindness:  detachment is my only sane solution.  I am unavailable for the guessing who is showing up today-the punisher or the rewarder.  I am either vulnerable and authentic with you or guarded and distant– based on behavior patterns over time.  Patterns don’t lie.  Ideally, they can be changed.  Changing is for badasses.  Punishing and rewarding, as a way of connecting, is a little effed up. More bad and assy than badass and pretty unwholesome.   I will keep praying the prayer: Bless them, Change me.  Please Gawd!  And please oh lawdy, can they just be over there (No Contact) until either they have been blessed enough or I sufficiently changed, please?

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Lord of the Flies- Yikes

This morning, I woke from awful and rigorously engaging dreams of being on an island with others. One by one, we were singled out to be collectively and randomly brutalized.  And maybe it wasn’t random at all.  Unable to discern my fellows from those working for the “guy” calling the shots, made it especially terrifying.

There were bizarre things one could do to avoid being the next one- like standing or attending a specific way or wearing a certain type of shoe-only there was some sort of code in place that you needed to understand. Witnessing the “handling” of others was required.  My fear of being killed was less than the horror of watching helplessly what was happening to others.  Some appeared unafraid, unaffected, others were aroused.  I was one of “the losers” trying to contain hysteria that would guarantee my place as next in line for brutality or death.  If I could’ve assured my death and not the abuse, my hysteria would have been lessened.

Totally reminds me of Kurt Cobain quote.  I believe that he too, was a highly sensitive person whom, for not nearly long enough, found relief in his gifted musical expression of things to difficult to speak.  Click on Kurt below to hear and read the lyrics to Smells Like Teen Sprit.  Love that man and his pain and music!

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Valentines Day Perfection- Until….

Nearing the end of a beautiful Valentines’s Day with my sweetheart, I posted this Vlog to Facebook in an effort to share something light and fun as I have been advised as best practice…light and fun.

And then, I was prompted by a tv commercial to initiate a heated political conversation in which I know we will strongly disagree. I was a beast trying to beat him into submission. I see that it was my fearful thinking that his ballot meant he was a selfish racist,bigot, fucker, while no part of his behavior has ever indicated anything close.  In the end, I just asked him to promise me that we will always be people that help those most in need.  And he said Of course, that is who we are. So no matter who the president is, it does not change the man I know him to be. It was my fear that made me behave poorly and unkindly. Thankfully, a program friend talked me down from that place of judgment.   My behavior was deranged.  I am so grateful to know and do better, even more so when I remember to.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/