Surrender…. or Try Harder, More, Better

Resignation is not acceptance– and with my family of origin, this is especially challenging.  The collective action and message which remain consistent from them: “eff you, you are unworthy and bad– banished, but we will allow your sorry ass if you ever choose to sit at our table with us and accept the blessing of the seat we offer.”  I just cannot accept that offer….and am failing to extract a better one.  My sister insists it is her intent to have our family together for the sake of our mother but her actions have divided us all by 360 degrees.  My mother claims to want some family unity in her lifetime but dismisses me at every turn.  I do not want to be seated at a table with people who treat me as unworthy of acknowledgment and love.  I guess it just hurts.  

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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The Imaginary Letter-The One That Never Comes

How many fucken times will I need to surrender this?  I cannot stand that  she never has to be accountable for her behaviors and words and the wakes of destruction that she unflinchingly justifies and defends as necessary because of something someone else says or does.  She is incapable, not by her own fault but the culture of our her family.  Radical non-forgivers can never own their own unfortunate and damaging choices.  No intention of setting things right.  Her remaining untouched by her own bad deeds really messes with me.  Somehow her refusal to acknowledge her part makes the old me want to step up and own it all as I did in the past.  Nobody wants less pain—just a demand to ignore and deny harder and more.  Ugh.  Writing this letter supplied me with the adrenaline I needed to start this day.  Thank you, Jilan!  I would move forward in a hot second if we could bring some shared good will into our hearts.

1.5 hours later….still cookin 

Yours Truly,

Magda Gee♥

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Greatest Achievement-hahaha

I trust him in the most deepest blood way and can count on him in all ways. He makes a space for me to feel my intense and full range of emotions-and lose my shit when that is what is needed. Then he reels me back in. We laugh big over the little things, especially ourselves. He is one #wholesomebadass motherfukkuh. #Strong #gentle #confident #humble #wise #unconditionallove #authenticity #acceptance

We say thank you and I am sorry without even thinking. We disagree regularly but need not fight, because we have faith and trust and value each other more than being right.  Authenticity and intimacy, emotional safety–these are miracles and great achievements.  Thank you, sweet Greg for luvvin me completely.  I love you!

Always,

♥M

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Letter to Mother and Sister

I will assume your silence means you need more space at this time.  I look forward to a time where we may each communicate openly and kindly.  I would like to try, when we are all ready.  My willingness to heal and recover any level of trust and connection remains.  I can be patient and without being oblivious to the reality of the ticking clock and the passing days which feel daunting, and change nothing.
I hope you are all well and hope that I will be notified otherwise.
Always,
M(and the boys):  WE are here.
This is pretty standard content for my emails.  The standard response is silence or condemnation.  I send these emails to affirm for myself that if my mother passes without further or healed contact and connection with me, it is absolutely not due to a lack of effort or willingness from my end.  Acceptance.  Acceptance.  Acceptance.  My sister’s shaming character assassination, uncontested by cc-d  family members, in addition to  my ex’s family, following her dinner which was kept secret from me, is something I forgive but do not accept as something that is ok or deserved.  Neutrality at this point is not an option.  Any effort will either de-escalate or intensify the situation.  My mother is recovering from health issues at age 84 and I moved cross country 2 years ago to be here-for her.  I still want that, free from abuse and shaming.
Acceptance is for badasses and totally wholesome.  I re-commit by the minute to the acceptance of the fact that I am powerless to make things be different.  These are my most wholesome efforts.  It is my belief that what has passed between us demands an honest reckoning.  I will wait.  ♥
Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Tools for Life

Coming from a long lines of mental illness and untreated addiction, where every non-happy feeling was perceived as anger and responded to with anger, I picked up some unfortunate coping and operating styles.  This wall of tools is the perfect metaphor for the tools for life before and now, with recovery.  The left side needs little explanation.

The dustpan and brush, I need for for cleaning up little messes I make.  Tape for repairing things that are fixable.  Soft gloves, for handling of fragile or prickly things with care.  A measuring tape and timer to help me give space and time between an incident and my response.  Knee pads for the time I spend on my knees waiting and asking for guidance.   A flashlight for times when it feels dark for me or a trusted other.  A needle and thread for sewing back together those things which can be mended.  Love is always the answer.  Accepting my full range of emotions and developing healthy tools for coping are miracles of recovery.

Recovery tools are wholesome and 100%badass.  What are some of your metaphorical tools for life?

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

An Invitation to Heal-Repair or Release

I am slowly mining gems of peace from the work of reconciling and healing, I must do on my own.  According to Reverend Desmond Tutu; healing and reconciliation do not erase the reality of injuries that occur AND forgiveness is not pretending that what has indeed happened did not happen. “Healing does not draw a veil over the hurt.”   For a lifetime I have longed for honest reckoning– which consistently has been denied/attacked by those whom I relate to by virtue of birth….And no matter the diminishing words and behaviors, I remain willing to reconcile–with them.”

An invitation to forgive is an invitation to find healing and peace, not to forget or pretend.”  My invitation stands- and is as offensive to them today as it was 25 years ago and 2 years ago and 1 year ago.  I will pray for the willingness to remain open to the possibilities of healing in my mother’s lifetime with people who show no promise of being able to sustain a presence beyond celebrations and emergencies.  Shutting down would be much easier.

Continue reading “An Invitation to Heal-Repair or Release”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/