Good Grief

I cannot help but feel charmed when I hear people in utter exasperation calmly say “Good Grief”.  It is so completely wholesome(benevolent) and old school.

While grief, may not be good, it is essential, and a natural part of life.  We all deserve to grieve and heal from heartbreak.  My sons’ deserve a healed and whole mother. As an adult with choices, recovery of my spirit takes priority over my seat at “the family table”.    My first choice is to recover with my family of origin.  The alternative is to recover on my own.  It has been collectively declared that “There is nothing to heal from, just move on, Already, goddammit”.  My sister’s locking onto my ex-husband(any excuse at all to fawn and connect(gag)) has troubled us as co-parents, as well as divided me from our confused and aging mother.  I have nearly quit judging that behavior, but still, I REFUSE to dine with abusers of my sons’ parents.  The idea of sharing a meal is sickening.  Our next genetic gathering will be for a death.  While the passing of any family member will be unfortunate, the death itself, will not erase or stop the damage.  I will pray for the grace to show up only as a mourner for the passing of whomever it is.  The service will not pose as a union or a re-union.  Just a memorial  for the deceased; a ceremony dedicated to those who need to grieve the passing of a loved one.  I respect and honor the need to grieve.   For me, it will be a day of exercising courage, humility, and compassion–100% wholesome and badass.

Nearing the light of a long dark year of betrayal, I forgive but do not accept the terms of engagement.  Wise and badass friend offered compassion– and a clip from Great Desmond Tutu’s Book of Forgiving:  “Depression” in the grief process is an undeniable reaction to the realization that life has changed, often in painful or even tragic ways.(…) It is important to understand the role grief plays in forgiveness process and specifically within the step of Naming the Hurt.  Grief is how we both cope with and release the pain we feel. Just as we experience the stages of grief after the death of a loved one, we often experience the same stages after any major trauma, such as betrayal or assault.(….) There is no right way to grieve, but grieving itself is essential to healing. We grieve as much for what might have been as for what was. We cannot honestly name our hurts and be in denial at the same time.

“Forgiveness Is Liberating”: Desmond Tutu on Healing a Nation’s Racist Past

How do you support someone who is grieving?

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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