I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging. With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.” Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.
Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday. I was happy to help another single mom. At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00. I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.
At 3:30, she texted an ETA-pick up between 4:00 and 5:00. A 6:08 update that “she would be right over”. At nearly 7:00 she rolled up looking like a million dollars all smiles and zero acknowledgment or inquiry as to the effect these antics might have had on me/us for our Sunday. I said nothing to alert her son throughout the day. I am deeply saddened for him- a mama that is full of surprises/confusion. Upon her 6:54 arrival, she promptly initiated, what seemed to me, a gaslight offloading tactic, hounding him “what is wrong with you and why are you all quiet?” There was no answer, only the suggestion, that if there were a problem, it was his. He was quietly playing iPad after a big day of b-ball and nerf wars, 7 hours! Her effort seemed aimed at shifting potential uncomfortable feelings onto him. That is how I perceived it, possibly a projection. It was familiar and icky. Screw someone over subtly and then challenge the way they feel, when they won’t fully know what is happening or why things feel “off”.
People who can’t acknowledge their own not-best behavior require detachment, from someone like me. I was raised by this and married to this and have divorced this. Perfection, non-accountability, and offloading is for bad asses, not badasses, and feels like not-love. Recovery teaches and encourages me to detach from given sources of this dynamic.
Brene Brown’s CourageWorks courses are teaching me about my upbringing, my confusion, my unfortunate marriage and much of the pain/wreckage of my life. Also allowing me to unlearn and to re-parent myself. Boy, is my healing is a miracle. Miracles are painful and mostly for badasses, 100% wholesome. Denying space for heartfelt apologies is part of the dysfunctional cycle that I am breaking, one day at a time, my boys observe and experience me apologizing for my words and actions, to them and to others. I do not use “but” and I never apologize to others for how they feel. That is total horse-shit maneuver.
Magda Gee
For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/
Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain, No is a one-word sentence.
She will age badly and keep on defending herself in those subtle, slimy ways, while you have the opportunity to GROW better every day!
That whole story makes me uncomfortable. My sister used to frequently ask me to babysit and then cancel her plans and not let me know I was no longer needed. I would usually not know that I wasn’t needed until 10 minutes before hand (or thankfully sometimes she would pass the information to my mom and I *might* find out the day before). Always made me feel icky! I made it a point to leave a day open to watch your kids and you don’t even value my time enough to let me know that I’m not needed? Total disrespect and disregard. Thankfully hasn’t happened as they have gotten older and no longer need a babysitter. The memory still makes me angry.
Hey Elizabeth,
Thanks for checking in. It is very rapery. Being disrespected and taken from repeatedly by people who feel entitled, and who always look put together seem to be the biggest perpetrators for me. Maybe I have just always bought into that they look better and must be better and should do what is necessary to keep them happy and in my life taking from me. How lonely it could have been with no one to mistreat or deny or take from me without consent. The gifts of shame and unworthiness from my mother really never stop giving. Ugh. One day at a time. I practice self-love and have relationships with only those who value me, not need me, but value me.
Big Recovery Hugs!
m
xo