Good Grief

I cannot help but feel charmed when I hear people in utter exasperation calmly say “Good Grief”.  It is so completely wholesome(benevolent) and old school.

While grief, may not be good, it is essential, and a natural part of life.  We all deserve to grieve and heal from heartbreak.  My sons’ deserve a healed and whole mother. As an adult with choices, recovery of my spirit takes priority over my seat at “the family table”.    My first choice is to recover with my family of origin.  The alternative is to recover on my own.  It has been collectively declared that “There is nothing to heal from, just move on, Already, goddammit”.  My sister’s locking onto my ex-husband(any excuse at all to fawn and connect(gag)) has troubled us as co-parents, as well as divided me from our confused and aging mother.  I have nearly quit judging that behavior, but still, I REFUSE to dine with abusers of my sons’ parents.  The idea of sharing a meal is sickening.  Our next genetic gathering will be for a death.  While the passing of any family member will be unfortunate, the death itself, will not erase or stop the damage.  I will pray for the grace to show up only as a mourner for the passing of whomever it is.  The service will not pose as a union or a re-union.  Just a memorial  for the deceased; a ceremony dedicated to those who need to grieve the passing of a loved one.  I respect and honor the need to grieve.   For me, it will be a day of exercising courage, humility, and compassion–100% wholesome and badass.

Continue reading “Good Grief”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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The Menu-Life Choices

Like a child, I want to choose only from a menu of: fun, relaxing, and highly lucrative.  Regarding my family of origin, there is no action to take…no matter how differently I want for things to be. I will know in my core when the time is right to do something different. For today I will choose to detach with patience and faith that I cannot force people, places, and things to be different just by taking big action(reaction).  We always have choices, but sometimes the menu (our life circumstance) appears to offer equally displeasing options; like- pain or more pain.

With regards to my children and my Sweet Greg, I choose to be present, loving, and gentle with myself.  I want to be all that I can be for those who count on me and love me in ways that feel wholesome.  I choose sanity and kindness.  Those two things are totally badass!  So grateful that recovery has provided more expansive menu selections.

What will you choose today?

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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You Spot It–You Got It

You spot it, you got it….

I was thinking of how I am most irritated by subtle little behaviors in which I assume to know the motivation…so arrogant.   And the flip side of that coin is that I am deeply touched by small gestures and behaviors that I assume to know the motivation. The truth of this is, if I recognize a behavior as having meaning, it is because it is familiar and I relate, whether it is good or bad. When I see the good in people, that is the good in me that I am connecting with. When I judge people, that is my judgment for my own attitudes and behaviors that need work.

My sister, who is desperate to be in charge of my destiny, is always pointing out whom she believes to be gay, needing a man, angry, needy, or overly sensitive. She illuminates these things as if she is a brilliant soothsayer and well above being possessing any of those dreadful things.  I wonder if wearing all white every day and cringing at the idea of sex with your husband makes you feel as if you are a lady, full of grace.  I love wearing black and having sex with my boyfriend!!  what does that make me?  Self-actualization is my only real goal and so far, my greatest achievement.

I notice with her, that anytime she is preparing for a night out or an event, she sends me pics asking if she looks like a weird desperate dyke….no joke. I finally just reduced it to WDD. Now I suspect her greatest need is to appear normal, not needing, and straight. I love rolling up to dinners in a cammo jacket with greasy pixie and no make up to announce I am rockin’ the WDD. Though I am straight, I would, just to be subversive, be thrilled to announce that I was an unashamed lesbian. Anyway, You spot it, you got it—

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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House of Cards

My friend, my hero, my badass partner in recovery has shared how her sister was collectively, not only abused, but also blamed for bringing it on herself by being so difficult—by being who she was, wrong at a cellular level.  What my friend learned quite young; “If I want people to be kind to me and to be okay, I must be and do the opposite of my sister.”

My sister gained similar traction off my intense reactions and feelings, my sensitivity, and fierce need to express myself at all costs. I have now learned  to manage myself in ways that are more protective, particularly with those who choose shaming and blaming as a means to elevate and themselves and forge bonds.  Over re-acting to even the most foul advances cost me everything.

I think my sister panicked when I returned after 25 years, to help with my mother, now in possession of myself, my ex, my children and very firm boundaries, with the ability to resist baiting/ jumping into the ring to help her prove her rightness and betterness, with a dramatic or intense reaction.  If pushing off of those parts of who I was, is all she had to gain stature, I see why she feels unearthed and has become willing to say and do whatever it takes to cling to her title of ” better than me”, just by being not me.   Because, now, I am doing well, in spite of initiatives, that years ago would have made me crumble—after over reacting and getting judged and dismissed.

I think her fixation with my ex-husband, at my boys’ and my mother’s expense is the best she can do– and absolute proof only of her own sense of unworthiness. My sister has done the unthinkable to me and gotten away with it.  Again.  What if….just what if now, as a sane person, without drama shared the truth…of who she is and what she likes.  What then?  My recovery buddy also shared that similar things happened in her home.  Sharing is badass healing and 100% freeing.  I feel sadness for those who never get to experience  the magic of that sort of connection to God, themselves, and others.  They continue suffering and hurting others until they learn a better way.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Fools Rush In

Because my mother is physically and mentally unwell, 84, and in the hospital, I am feeling twisted up inside, as if I should DO something. There is nothing for me to do at this time. My efforts to heal and build trust or connection are either swatted away like a pesky gnat or they go unacknowledged.  I guess swats and dismissals are an improvement from being blasted with heavy artillery of character assasination and accusations of how I deserve abuse or am unworthy of kindness.  This is progress. Continue reading “Fools Rush In”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Painful Dynamics- Repair or Release

My mother is in the hospital today having cancerous masses removed.  My sister whom I have not spoken to since May emailed the information to me.  I responded with a “Thanks for the update”  and signed with the little red heart emoji and an “m”.  My gut response was to be cold but polite…but then I remembered, that is not who I am.  I am vulnerable and want something better in my mother’s lifetime for all of us.  I am not closed off, shut down or absent.  Just very clear about what hurts too much to engage in.  Vulnerability kicks ass.  They lack a desire to heal with me and yet I show up again and again.  “I am here, to heal with you, if you ever choose to do so.”  Vulnerability is where I live, anything else feels like death.  I am grateful for enough recovery to have congruity and consistency in all of my communication.  I expect nothing different from them.  At the end of the day, I sleep easier, knowing I offered, ad nauseum, to create something better and less destructive for us all.

As I see it, there are two sane choices–Repair or Release.  Repair is my first choice.  But so long as they opt for the hurtful workaround of seeing my sons, via collaboration and commune with my ex-husband, release may be our only option.  Family recovery matters to me more than my mother’s recovery from cancer.  I, of course, prefer both.  But if I had to choose, I would take a few connected months of loving each other, over years more of NOT–I mean love, the verb.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/