Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation

I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother  copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging.  With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.”  Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.

Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday.  I was happy to help another single mom.  At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00.  I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.

Continue reading “Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Instead of Focusing on Rejection

Instead of focusing on the most recent rejection by my mother, I will take one small action to creatively claim my living space.  This image appeared in a facebook feed for laceandwhishkey.   If you click the image, it will take you there.   Right now, our home feels to me, a place where we sleep and keep our stuff.  I hope to get busy decorating in a way expressive of who I am; what I find attractive,  appealing, and comforting.  I am only now discovering those parts of myself as I climb out of feeling emotionally/creatively stifled to the point of paralysis.
This one simple accent will transform the energy of my home.  Succulents in little black pots.  Neutral color.  Low maintenance.  Simple shapes- appealing, soothing, and doable for someone like myself.  Will I do it?  Or is this just another example of hoarding good ideas without executing?  Perhaps soon I will stage and photograph of the results of my efforts to create comfort and beauty in our house home. Continue reading “Instead of Focusing on Rejection”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

I Am Not Just Raising Boys

How my day began:  S2 enters my room to ask me if I am awake.

Me: Good morning baby.  Did your brother wake you up?

S2:  No he was awake before me.

Me:  Really?  doing what? Reading?

S2:  Staring at me.  He was stalking me.

Me:  Seriously

S2:  Yes moooom, he was stalking me in my sleep.

These moments are like the sweetest dreams ever.  I could neither imagine nor forge them into existence, just the fruits of connection.  Laughter is key, good wholesome laughter about nothing in particular.  It is an absolute privilege to know and love my sons- who do not “belong to their father and me”, but have been entrusted to us.  I am not their owner or their god. My hope for them- that they develop faith in a power greater than themselves or any other single human, a god that is neither human nor a substance.  They are growing up fast.  Innocence won’t last forever.  But humility,faith, and loyalty can.  I will seek the wisdom to become a more fit teacher and model the things I myself,  am just now learning.  Thank god for all the good humor we enjoy as we learn tough lessons together about how to be in this world.

My Lil family!  ♥  Wisdom from other moms of boys, women of faith, recovery, grace, please share with me.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Eff Socializing and Small Talk-if it is not for you

I simply cannot find the words to describe all the ways in which Jiu Jitsu meets our family’s needs at sensory, spiritual, and social levels. There is something so humbling and safe, and empowering in this martial art. If I had my way, classes would be three hours instead of one. My boys feel similarly and we enjoy coming home and Jiu Jitsu-ing each other. The connection, self-esteem, and confidence that happen in our studio/class defy articulation. It is not friendship so much as kinship. And I wouldn’t call it a fellowship, because I believe that requires social-talking, where this requires talking only when necessary to learn a new position or submission skill. Continue reading “Eff Socializing and Small Talk-if it is not for you”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Take Time for Creativity

For the first time in almost 2 years, I am able to mentally settle down enough to look through and work in my altered books.  My soulmate-best friend, who came to me late in life and at exactly the right time, is an art therapist.  For yeeeears, she ♥harassed ♥me to craft with her and I REFUUUUUUSED- unwilling AND uncertain that I could produce anything enjoyable or respectable.  My first surrender to her art torture was a collage.  I actually created a vision board(which feels queer for me to even say) and in the hours and days of harvesting suitable images, I discovered what was important to me, about me.  I fell in love with the process. With anything I “create”, I tend to be critical and ambivalent about my finished work.(Previously learned, self-limiting attitudes I am now unlearning)  When I look at anything drawn, colored, painted, copied, pasted, or even cooked by me, I can see the white knuckles and the fear all over it, my intensity– and that WAS painful to acknowledge.  I do not love being intense…but now I own it and enjoy closeness with those who appreciate it and distance from those who judge.  It is how and who I am.  In-tense! Continue reading “Take Time for Creativity”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

I Will Be Changed But Not Reduced

Observing my family of origin from an emotionally safe distance allows me to see the extreme and intense ways of their day-to-day functioning.  Frequent and casual but righteous use of the words:  always, never, love, hate–the language of those so far to the left or right and so deeply encamped, that change, for them is too threatening(reserved for the broken and defective).

Recovery requires change. Change requires courage.

And, so they instead demand it of others… willingness to change confirms a lack of rightness,worthiness, and perfection.  From this, I had to detach in order to save myself…My FOO fluctuates between claiming that: I abandoned them and they banished me.  It is the same with my ex.  When he promised to never change, I filed for divorce.  He remains unsure which is “better” to take credit or to blame me for our divorce —which makes him more right and worthy; leaving or being left.  I did not leave him.  I left the dynamic he promised to maintain.

Perfectionists/Shamers are too painful for someone wired as I am.  In recovery, I am learning to seek love and wisdom rather than proof of righteousness.  In the seeking, I am restored to a life worth living and full with wholesome connection where we are all safe to be who, and as we are, not just free to feel what we feel without fear of reprisal, but rather it is a term of engagement.  We solicit authenticity (and never compliance)from each other.

Courage to change is 100% wholesome and BadAss.  Perfection and Shaming is 100% something else.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/