Happy Mother’s Day

For Mother’s Day, I want for my mother to stop allowing and participating in activities that exacerbate tension between my ex-husband/father of my young sons and me.  Children suffer enough in divorce.  What sort of people knowingly and unnecessarily add to that?   We experienced miracles in our ability to work together as co-parents, prior to this.  Why snatch from my children their innocence and their serenity– two parents working together, at times gladly, rather than through the constant divide and tension born out of unfortunate triangulation, as an easier alternative to a difficult reconciliation.  Reconciliation is our only chance at wholesome connection, in place of forcing and feigning.  Why must I beg or even ask that two people so sure of their strong value for love and family, to behave with basic love and compassion for  young children?

I believe my mother loves her grandsons deeply.  And reconciliation would be a loving thing to do for them or an honest acknowledgment for the natural consequences for alienating their mother.

I remain willing to reconcile and amend…but cannot meet the demand to pretend or accept the unacceptable.  I am  open to listening to thoughts about what has happened and what amends would be considered helpful by me.  To that end, I also must voice how my experience of the  collective annihilation of me, as a defense to having arranged a covert dinner with my ex, his sister, and my children.

My truth doesn’t change, and I feel like a broken record for saying it all over again.  I don’t cause others to abuse me or say diminishing things.  I am responsible only for my words and actions.  100%  As I look over the last two years, since moving here, I really do not see my contribution to this highly predictable outcome.  But I sure am willing.  I am worthy and capable of of fierce love and protection.  Anyone believing otherwise, for obvious reasons, is not welcome near my young sons OR me.

Loyalty, vulnerability, kindness, apologies, and fierce love are what we do in my family.   Wholesome BadAss 100%.  It is not for everyone.  If striving toward a more wholesome existence were not essential to living my best life, I might show up, and in person share these sentiments:  “Fuck you for hurting and confusing my children in ways that they feel deeply and cannot yet make sense of.  You are beasts,  mean– or very very sick.  Own your behavior and what it says about who you are.”  But I cannot say these things and feel ok about myself, no matter what is said to me and about me, no matter how they hurt my children, I do not dare say these things to them….because of what it would say about me.  It is ok to have shitty thoughts and feelings.  It is not ok to use them as reasons for abuse.

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Psychological Invalidation Is Abuse

Below are a few of the many ways to invalidate another: 

·    Tell a person they shouldn’t feel the way they feel

·   Demand a person to not to feel the way they feel

·   Declare a person too sensitive, too “dramatic”

·   Ignore a person’s plea to connect

·   Judge and attack the way a person feels

·   Rally others to join as you work to convince a person to believe there is something wrong with them for feeling how they feel-invoke shame and fear of abandonment

Fuck Fuck Fuck….What to do…this is the dynamic to which I will no longer consent.  My 85 year old mother, with cancer won’t budge, to tolerate any hint of a pain, I cannot contain or deny.  I no longer accept this “abuse” and from where I am today, I see only these choices.  Stay away altogether OR, well, that is all I see.  I am not able to pretend that the pain of her attachment to my ex, as a workaround to healing conflict resolution, has not been harmful to my children and emotionally traumatic.  The only offer- that I show up and pretend.

Just for today, I fucken cant, any more than my mother can say to me:  Your feelings are real and important, though I do not share or understand them.  I see how my words and behaviors alienated you and divided us.  I think begging God is not working…or it is taking too long.  She doesn’t have much time and I cannot force my own healing to come sooner than it will.  I lack the resilience to consent to even a moment more.  Very painful.

Consenting to invalidation is neither wholesome nor badass.  I am not afraid.  I am just not willing to be treated this way-in person.  I can live with being estranged from them, but not from myself.  Finding my tribe is a wholesome, badass mission.  I cannot do that when I am pretending and denying.

Reposting Tom Weston’s Five Rules of Being a Grown Up, as I am still struggling with compliance issues:

The Five Rules of Being A Grown Up
By Tom Weston
1. You must not have anything wrong with you, or anything different about you.
2. If you have something wrong or different about you, you really need to correct it. You need to be able to pass under all circumstances.
3. If you can’t correct it, or change it in any way, you should just pretend that you have. It’s not a problem anymore. Good news!
4. If you can’t even pretend to have corrected the situation, you should just not show up, because it’s very painful for the rest of us to see you in your current condition.
5. If you’re going to insist on showing up, you should at least have the decency to be ashamed.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Always a Third Way

In my family culture, when someone or something displeases you or interferes with your agenda, it is treated with the gravity of a criminal offense and the source is dealt with and diminished at any and all costs.  Our family home was tense, reactive, hostile.  There was screaming, hitting, name-calling, threatening–all standard responses to aggravation and disappointment.  I assumed or was maybe assigned the role of the one– who was sorry for having/expressing uncomfortable feelings as well as for causing them for others.  I thought if I was sorry enough, I could make it better.   I was the sorry one.  We all agreed to this.  Once I no longer agreed to that, there was no longer a place for me.  They will have to find a new asshole, a new person to take that seat, read from that script.  My incessant requests for a third way are dismissed and have been reported to me as having been collectively assessed as “unworthy of response”.  Oh Ok, then. Continue reading “Always a Third Way”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Dear Lord………

Ugh…my boys deserve much much more than they are being allowed.   Deep sigh.  I am more tired of this grief than anyone is of hearing about it.  The most painful part is that my family denies that there is anything to grieve and that my need to do so, is further proof of my well-earned banishment, and overall defective and troublesome existence.  I have committed to the process of releasing my family, all of them.  I don’t know why I thought my mother’s cancer or my move here would have changed anything.  It really did not, it changed my geography and my willingness to show up– to be of service at a critical time.  And it allowed  for my ex and my sister to get to know each other and to enjoy(while denying) a shared contempt for me.  They both get the ultimate triumph at the expense of my innocent young sons.  I divorced myself from each of them for identical reasons and now they are affirmed and gleefully(no joke) united.  Seriously, is it acceptable anywhere for a woman to bond with her sister’s ex at sister’s children’s expense?  I cannot help but judge.  I see why my ex is into it.  Totally.  He is far more forgivable here than she is..I guess because she claims to care so deeply for family and my sons-but these actions are so diametrically opposed to family values or any values, really.  When I asked him to step away so that maybe we could heal, he laughed and said; “Why should I?  They have zero intent to work it out with you.”  I suggested that he might then for the sake of our children.  Deep sigh.   Continue reading “Dear Lord………”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Welcome to McDonalds

McDonald’s Drive Through at 3:05 p.m.

Attendant:  Welcome to McDonalds.  What can I get for you today?

Me:  Hi, May I please have a Southwest Salad with Grilled Chicken?

Attendant:  I am sorry ma’am.  We are not serving salads at this time.

Me:  Um..Okay….is that becaaaaaause it is not salad time?

Agitated Attendant:  Yes.  It is not Salad-time.

Me:  Um well, can you tell me the salad-time schedule?

Hostile Attendant:  Ma’am, we do not have any salads at this time.

Me, Feeling like whistleblowing asshole with my tail between my legs:  Oh.  Ok.  May I get a plain chicken sandwich and a Diet Dr. Pepper?

Attendant:  Click

What the hell is going on?  Why is it so difficult to be direct?  Was I supposed to just be all:  “Oh ok, I will have a big mac and fries then.”?  In my much needed defense, it was necessary to know if maybe they were in salad making process and I should return in a bit.  I seriously feel as if I were hassling her by pushing the salad envelope–  same crazy dynamic with my family.  Just show up,nod, smile, and say Okay.   Do not ask questions.  Do not seek truth.  Be small.  

Why not just say:  “We are out of salad”?  WHY?!  Thank gawd I have God, or I might have had to enlighten her, tell her all about herself.  The thing I dislike more than than meanness is dishonesty, in the form of needless complexity….what a waste of energy.  Would you have ordered something else or tried to understand the truth of “salad-time”?  I am officially re-naming the dynamic “salad-time”- when a person is deliberately and unnecessarily vague and deceptive.  Eff salad-time!  Is there anyone in your life, who you have “salad-time” with?  How do  you manage without losing your mind?

Eff needless complexity… Forever. Always. Please.  Gaaaah.

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

What Would Lena Dunham Do?

I had believed myself smart enough and fully capable of being treated with indifference bordering on disdain while maintaining a strong sense of self-respect. I was wrong also in thinking myself practical enough to separate what they say I am from what I know I am. I have allowed myself to be treated as disposable.  Believing I could fulfill this role while still protecting that sacred place inside myself that I know deserves better, more, different. But it doesn’t work like this. When someone shows you repeatedly how little you mean to them and you keep coming back for more, before you know it, you mean less to yourself.

I am not made up of compartments. I am one whole person. What gets said to me, get said to all of me. Ditto what gets done. Being treated like shit is something you learn to accept, condone, and come to believe you deserve. You tell yourself you asked for it.  When we enter into adult relationships, there is the basic human promise to be decent to each other. I am under no obligation to stay or return to anyone who repeatedly breaks that promise.

 

I think I know her answer.  What would you do, what have you done when consistently treated in ways that are diminishing to your whole person?    PS-Every sentiment and most of the words above come directly from Lena Dunham’s Not That Kind of Girl.  Lena Dunham wholesome of wholesome hearts and badass truth teller. Thank you!

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/