For Mother’s Day, I want for my mother to stop allowing and participating in activities that exacerbate tension between my ex-husband/father of my young sons and me. Children suffer enough in divorce. What sort of people knowingly and unnecessarily add to that? We experienced miracles in our ability to work together as co-parents, prior to this. Why snatch from my children their innocence and their serenity– two parents working together, at times gladly, rather than through the constant divide and tension born out of unfortunate triangulation, as an easier alternative to a difficult reconciliation. Reconciliation is our only chance at wholesome connection, in place of forcing and feigning. Why must I beg or even ask that two people so sure of their strong value for love and family, to behave with basic love and compassion for young children?
I believe my mother loves her grandsons deeply. And reconciliation would be a loving thing to do for them or an honest acknowledgment for the natural consequences for alienating their mother.
I remain willing to reconcile and amend…but cannot meet the demand to pretend or accept the unacceptable. I am open to listening to thoughts about what has happened and what amends would be considered helpful by me. To that end, I also must voice how my experience of the collective annihilation of me, as a defense to having arranged a covert dinner with my ex, his sister, and my children.
My truth doesn’t change, and I feel like a broken record for saying it all over again. I don’t cause others to abuse me or say diminishing things. I am responsible only for my words and actions. 100% As I look over the last two years, since moving here, I really do not see my contribution to this highly predictable outcome. But I sure am willing. I am worthy and capable of of fierce love and protection. Anyone believing otherwise, for obvious reasons, is not welcome near my young sons OR me.
Loyalty, vulnerability, kindness, apologies, and fierce love are what we do in my family. Wholesome BadAss 100%. It is not for everyone. If striving toward a more wholesome existence were not essential to living my best life, I might show up, and in person share these sentiments: “Fuck you for hurting and confusing my children in ways that they feel deeply and cannot yet make sense of. You are beasts, mean– or very very sick. Own your behavior and what it says about who you are.” But I cannot say these things and feel ok about myself, no matter what is said to me and about me, no matter how they hurt my children, I do not dare say these things to them….because of what it would say about me. It is ok to have shitty thoughts and feelings. It is not ok to use them as reasons for abuse.