My mother’s cancer, age, aging still have not served as a magic wand erasing the effects of continued harshness, which is either not “real”(imagined) or is well earned; my due. There is no where to go with this, but to God and trusted others. It has been expressed that my imagined or well earned injuries could be served well by the correct medication. I think a little kindness and accountability would do the trick. But I am no trained professional. Believing my mental health or over-sensitivity as the only issue keeps them safe from having any responsibility to reflect on their contributions.
Abuse and exile (whether imagined or earned) will not do. I will not be willingly available for more let go of what IS and has always been. Each effort to reach out to them apparently is proof only of further mental deterioration on my part.
Listening to Anne Lamott on Audible and going tonight to see her speaking with Reverend Chip Edens, live, tonight on Hallelujah Anyway. As my sister likes to say “Amen”...hahaha…she said that in reference to thinking that my mother had definitively cut all ties to me-permanently(I believe this is financial greed or just pure mental illness. Mental Illness is treatable and forgivable). She is something. Click on Amen for details of her highly spiritual use of this word. Yes, this makes me angry. In my family, admitting anger is proof of brokenness. In fact, accusing someone or inquiring of someone’s perceived anger is always the beginning of tension, if not a fight. A favorite family line to exercise righteous control and dominance is to tell someone “Stop being so angry”. But who says that? Is it ever helpful? Is it even possible to just stop? It is all too much.
Emotional Honesty is a practice I am learning and bringing into MY family, parenting, home and relationships. Unlearning and re-parenting has allowed me to get to a place of acceptance- that a full range of emotion is healthy and gorgeous. And 100% wholesome and badass–too much for others, particularly those always white knuckling through life with terrified politeness.
Healing is a process, not an event. How do you heal yourself from something that is not yet over?
Much Love,
Magda Gee
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