Ugh…my boys deserve much much more than they are being allowed. Deep sigh. I am more tired of this grief than anyone is of hearing about it. The most painful part is that my family denies that there is anything to grieve and that my need to do so, is further proof of my well-earned banishment, and overall defective and troublesome existence. I have committed to the process of releasing my family, all of them. I don’t know why I thought my mother’s cancer or my move here would have changed anything. It really did not, it changed my geography and my willingness to show up– to be of service at a critical time. And it allowed for my ex and my sister to get to know each other and to enjoy(while denying) a shared contempt for me. They both get the ultimate triumph at the expense of my innocent young sons. I divorced myself from each of them for identical reasons and now they are affirmed and gleefully(no joke) united. Seriously, is it acceptable anywhere for a woman to bond with her sister’s ex at sister’s children’s expense? I cannot help but judge. I see why my ex is into it. Totally. He is far more forgivable here than she is..I guess because she claims to care so deeply for family and my sons-but these actions are so diametrically opposed to family values or any values, really. When I asked him to step away so that maybe we could heal, he laughed and said; “Why should I? They have zero intent to work it out with you.” I suggested that he might then for the sake of our children. Deep sigh.
Here is what hurts. Through all of this, my sister has said and done things to widen the gap between my family and me, if that is even possible. Fine. She needs to do that. I never needed for anyone to choose my side…but what I foolishly did need and request was that nobody endorse or even tolerate the Nagasaki bomb she dropped on my boys’ parents, capitalizing on the natural tension between my boys’ father and me, as divorced co-parents. This, I find impossible to accept and to live with. Why is her fragile ego more important than my two young sons having divorced parents who work together to do their best for them? My children do not deserve this and I cannot stop it or protect them from it. And– I am to be unaffected by it if I desire said “peace” and proximity to my genetic family.
I find this unforgivable; too deeply wounded by the collective silent support which allows her to continue. My ex and I overcame immeasurable grief, pain and rage of a lengthy and litigious divorce. We worked miracles to move cross-country as cohesive parents. We had differing purposes but a unified plan for our family. Our re-ignited anger and division is unnecessary, evil even, and 100% unacceptable to me. Today, I release any expectation that I come from a family who can do better than this. God Bless my sons and the confusion of this and of having a deeply distraught mother. I feel as if I keep getting sent back to square 1 of the grief process or maybe square 2-Anger. And the only way to get through grief is by grieving. It seems impossible because it needs to stop, before I can complete my grieving process and that is not going to happen….or at least this is the thing I am telling myself. It is not going to stop.
And sadly, I confess to having shared more with my boys than may be best for them. They wonder why I am sad so much of the time, and I tell them what it looks like from my perspective. That my sister is making it difficult to have peace with their dad and that my mother approves and that just fucken hurts. Like Crazy!
What is a person to do? I surrender them all, but not my sons. I am no writer or wizard on healing. I share to heal and to connect, two things that are not available or tolerated within the confines of my family. So, I do it here.