After more than a year of wrestling with the reality of having my family of origin show me for the last time how little I mean to them, I am feeling as if maybe I am ready, to intentionally, for a few minutes each day, focus on doing something physically, mentally, spiritually to elevate the quality of living for myself. It has been difficult to exist in close proximity to people dedicated to erasing and silencing me. My internal fight with this reality has been all-consuming.
Saturday night, my boys and I went for out pizza at a nearly vacant restaurant. We sat talking and laughing and played for a few quite a while. And I cannot help but marvel at how profoundly touching these little moments are. It is true that I have been unable to create big eventy moments and adventures/ trips for us. I wished that were different but I don’t feel bad about that. What I don’t feel super about, are all of the little moments forfeited to my suffering, my need for disengagement….engulfed by rehashing & reviewing the data, checking mental lists for assurance of the patterns of unkindness, which are both denied emphatically while at the same time justified. Who wouldn’t feel crazed by this?
An abundance of data substantiates persisting patterns of divisive and diminishing behavior. Unable to stop or change them or to block my sons’ exposure to what “they do”, I am, in this moment willing to surrender. They have succeeded at erasing me….but I shall not erase myself from my own life–if for no other reason– it is bad for my sons.
There is much I’d like to share about my life, but I fear that my information will be used to devise plans that will limit me…or at the very least fail to consider me in ways that are conducive to my serenity….same result either way. The animosity between the boys’ father and me grows. He glows from the confidence and satisfaction of being chosen/revered by my family, in spite of his initiatives aimed at making us lose MY home(paid for by me), our healthcare and preschool access for our children.
I get that he was rejected countless ways by his sisters when he didn’t comply and so, to be chosen by my “family”, who in a sane world, would keep him at a distance, must feel like a heavenly affirmation. Out of love for my boys, I will not post in detail all that we have endured as a result of his initiatives. While I did divorce him, I respect that what our young sons know and think of him, matters greatly. I also divorced my sister, but see no need to keep to myself, behaviors worthy of illumination. I don’t have to co-parent with her. And I think she needs to be checked.
She told me about a woman at work whom she haaaaated and was wanting to fire, bragging to me that she wouldn’t have to fire her because she knew how to get under her skin and make her lose it, to get her to cook her own goose and ultimately quit or cause herself to be fired. My sister, I believe was hinting to me at her power to subtly diminish others. Well aware and armed with new skills to deflect and detach like a ninja, I think her failures to get me to engage her angry bait and accusations, sent her over the edge and drove her to state, in writing, words that revealed her dark intentions and heart. She once gloated to me as her co-worker, who we will call Allison(because that is her name) did finally quit. My sister sent me a text message laughing over the fact that, after leaving on her last day of work, Allison crashed into an ambulance. I still have the text from her with the emoji of the little car behind the ambulance followed by the laughing emoji. Who gets off on a person crashing their car—into an ambulance??? Nobody I choose to put near my children or myself. I am not sure if I am angry at her or just terrified by what a beast she is dressed in white every day with a forced and awkward smile. It sickens me, literally. And so, I must think of other things.
Ok, time to begin my day. In my next post, I hope to share some of the high points in detail of recent moments with my boys that are worthy of capture and immortality. Thanks for being here. Maybe I needed to say all this so that I could “officially Let It Go”. Elsa is 100% Wholesome Badass.
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