Just Be Happy-Goddammit

My truth is that I mostly do not have a choice about my first thought, but I do have the choice to indulge it or to redirect my thoughts AWAY from obsession or reactive behavior. I learned this practice late in life. Being commanded to lighten up and get over it drove me more deeply into darkness and shame over my complete lack of knowing how.   It was essential that I do so, if I wanted to belong. I see now, that it could not be modeled. You can’t teach someone how to be an entirely different person from whom they are. The message was “Be Different from how you are, dammit”.  To this day, I cannot.  And the miracle is- I do not apologize or even feign an intent to be other than how I am.  I strive to be spiritually stronger, and to engage a closer connection to God.  That will allow me to mature into the person I am meant to be.  Conforming to the will of another human won’t.  I don’t know what makes me a sensitive and expressive empath, picking up on energies around me, while others remain deeply unaffected.  I did not choose it and I cannot un-choose it or judge it.  When having your feelings and truths debated and punished is a pattern, it is time to remove yourself.  Patterns don’t lie. Continue reading “Just Be Happy-Goddammit”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Letting Go of Obsession- One Day At A Time

After more than a year of wrestling with the reality of having my family of origin show me for the last time how little I mean to them, I am feeling as if maybe I am ready, to intentionally, for a few minutes each day, focus on doing something physically, mentally, spiritually to elevate the quality of living for myself. It has been difficult to exist in close proximity to people dedicated to erasing and silencing me. My internal fight with this reality has been all-consuming.

Saturday night, my boys and I went for out pizza at a nearly vacant restaurant. We sat talking and laughing and played for a few quite a while.   And I cannot help but marvel at how profoundly touching these little moments are. It is true that I have been unable to create big eventy moments and adventures/ trips for us. I wished that were different but I don’t feel bad about that. What I don’t feel super about, are all of the little moments forfeited to my suffering, my need for disengagement….engulfed by rehashing & reviewing the data, checking mental lists for assurance of the patterns of unkindness, which are both denied emphatically while at the same time justified. Who wouldn’t feel crazed by this? Continue reading “Letting Go of Obsession- One Day At A Time”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Shame Shifting

No matter how much spiritual and emotional work I do,  I am not able continue in this cycle and simultaneously work toward recovery.  The only sane choice is self-preservation.  My Good Orderly Direction tells me so.  A third way would be nice.  Based on patterns of behaviors and attitudes of my abusers sister and mother, there is no reason to consider that a possibility.  I no longer accept diminishing and divisive words and behaviors as things that I have earned. Nor will I be demanded to take responsibility for the behaviors of others.  That would oppose my primary purpose.  I will continue being mindful of my own words and behaviors and clean up, after myself, when I make a mess.

Coming from long lines of mental illness and untreated addiction, where every non-happy feeling is perceived as anger and responded to with anger, I picked up some unfortunate coping and operating styles.  This wall of tools is the perfect metaphor for the tools for life before and now, with recovery.  The left side needs little explanation.

The dustpan and brush, I need for for cleaning up little messes I make.  Tape for repairing things that are fixable.  Soft gloves, for handling of fragile or prickly things with care.  A measuring tape and timer to help me give space and time between an incident and my response.  Knee pads for the time I spend on my knees waiting and asking for guidance.   A flashlight for times when it feels dark for me or a trusted other.  A needle and thread for sewing back together those things which can be mended.  Love is always the answer.  Accepting my full range of emotions and developing healthy tools for coping are miracles of recovery.  And not accepting shame shifting and continuing the cycle of abuse is wholesome and I think very badass.  Maintaining a habit is much easier than breaking one- 100%

Recovery tools are wholesome and 100%badass.  What are some of your metaphorical tools for life?

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/