Mindful Parenting

Were my parents horrible?  We were a horrible fit. Being less sensitive, more concerned with pleasing them may have helped. Instead, I sought gracelessly, if not pathetically, a quiet gentle place, low sensory input food and comfort, in massive quantities, along with compassion, and nurturing from those responsible for me. And, overall, it was an effing disaster.  100%  I am not a disaster.  That situation was is a disaster.

Alienation from family goes back as early as I can remember- for my failure to be a more comfortable child, which was judged as being difficult and over time developed into an inferno of anger.  I recall no observable acts of nurturing or comforting, seeking to understand, only a collective effort to make it(my inconvenient and unattractive feelings) fucken stop; shame, banish, gossip, shun. These tactics did nothing– but teach me that I was unworthy of unconditional love, comfort, and connection and that it was ok to behave this way to people who are different, struggling, needing, or in any way threatening.

If crushing me into more manageable pieces was the plan, my older sister and maternal grandmother eagerly followed mother’s suit and at times would grace me with kindness, provided I was not noticeably distressed.  This intergenerational dysfunction, stops with me. I choose break the cycle (and therefore ties – their choice)—for my sons.  It was so confusing to be “accepted” when I appeared ok and banished when I wasn’t and devastating to have not cracked the code on this until much later in life.  I did learn in college to write letters pretending to be happy because I started to see how it worked but I couldn’t manage in their presence to be relaxed and calm and just lighten the fuck up, no matter how many times I was asked.  I handled everything poorly.  It was all too much, made no sense, and made me want to die..literally.

In parenting my own children, I am intentional in learning, practicing and sharing healthy boundaries–so that they may experience the reality that we are separate,  and very much connected, no matter what.   They can count on me and on each other.  We take care of one another, intentionally working together to meet our own and each other’s needs.   We are ALL unique individuals, valued and worthy, exactly as we are on any given day. I tell them this and I follow through by living a life that says so.  For them to feel safe, secure, grounded, supported, confident enough to unapologetically explore the gifts of who they are, what they like, what they are good at, what they are interested in–THESE are my only parenting goals. To choose courage, kindness, and each other first- good and loyal brothers and citizens.  They belong first to each other and then to me.

I have been saved by a spiritual program,  sparing my children much of the trauma that I surely would have unknowingly handed right to them.  They watch and learn as I struggle with the depression and grief of my FOO.  They recognize the unkind and hurtful nature of the unwholesome alliance between my sister and ex.  In addition to the loss of innocence, the unfortunate triangulation has cost them a genuine desire to know people who DESPERATE to love them, and whose definition of love does not appeal to them.  We choose kindness….and acknowledge, as with a rattle snake, you give unkindness space.

We don’t have to judge unkindness and we cant change it for others, but we can go where love is wholesome.  Wholesome Love is unconditionally kind, to people, animals, and the planet.  Obviously we are all human and often fail in all ways, at times-and then amend. BUT kindness is the value and standard in our family life.  We are mindful of the difference between kindness and friendliness.  It is possible to be one with out the other.  My sister and I are brilliant examples of each.

I now possess the super power to say difficult things, without being mean or loud and also to know when my voice is not welcome.  I can listen to difficult things, without reacting destructively…and I can be ok.  But, I cannot allow myself to be demeaned or to pretend and then relax and enjoy a meal with those who diminish me.

In our family, the one I design, we show up for hard conversations, we listen, we ask questions, we forgive and we apologize.  My boys are witness to my tears, mistakes, amends, and triumphs.  They know me and believe in me….and that makes my heart literally swell with joy and ache with grief.  I cannot imagine expereincing that as a child.

 

 

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

PSA–Match.com Works When You are Honest

The right one will know all of your weaknesses and never use them against you.

I have been meaning to share this experience now, for a while.   Not only because of the immense pleasure it gives me but because I feel it might be of service to anyone still looking for authentic connection online. In late 2015, I posted a profile on Match.com after moving back East.  Disturbingly, my ex husband appeared as my first match. Actually, it was funny, and at the time we were still friendly and working well together (dun dun dunnnn….before my sister’s campaign). Continue reading “PSA–Match.com Works When You are Honest”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Destroying Others is Monstrous Behavior

As I plan my son’s birthday celebration, I cannot help but relive the pain of him calling me last year on his way home from a dinner hosted by my sister that included my ex husband, his sister (with whom there existed no historical relationship between my sister and them) and my children and nieces and NOT me. Initially, it made me feel ashamed and defective…like more proof of my unworthiness.   My sister’s behavior is proof only of her spirit and unwholesome intentions.

And here is the thing. That hostile initiative wrecked my family by 360 degrees. To take in the full impact of her enterprise, endorsed by my own effing mother, any thing other than pain would be insane–defective, actually.

Today’s prayer: Bless her, change me. RFN!  My “mother” wants nothing to do with me until I commit to getting over IT and being ok with this sort of behavior.  Oh.  Ok.  Suit yourself.  Requiring submission as a term of engagement, I cannot abide.  Also passively allowing abuse makes you a people destroyer.  We are all making choices, building the lives and identities of our choosing.  I prefer benevolence and serenity.

One of my greatest achievements and miracles is the certainty that I don’t cause others to be abusive.  AND also, I have not retaliated.  Giving them nothing to work with but their own behavior and words. I love recovery. The continued unwholesome interference with MY ex and children would be impossible to live with, if not for my faith in something much greater.

I share for many reasons; to heal, to connect, to speak my truth, and to acknowledge how far I have come.  I too was an abuser, before recovery.  When we know better, we do better.  Without recovery, I surely also would have abused my children. Breaking the cycle is wholesome, badass and 100% miraculous.  The afterburn and fall out from choosing a different way, is more far reaching than I prefer, but the rewards of serenity and authenticity, by far outweigh all that is lost.

Interesting and successful people, in my experience, have endured and freely share about overcoming despair, loss and struggle.  Maybe that is why I have lacked genuine interest in her efforts to converse, which seem directed entirely at the optic of her own strength and importance or awkward self-deprecation, that leaves her “audience” with the burden of affirming her.

I honestly feel, in my heart, that my failure to be observably impressed by material things or fearful of her power to do damage, drove her to commit this  vile act of destruction on my lil family.  I think it made her feel insignificant…but honestly, I am not impressed by stuff and I am not afraid.  Kindness and courage—those things impress me. Transparency; disclosure of intent and Benevolence –fk yeh.  I bow deeply and yield, only to those.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Fathers Day Feelings

“Special Days” can be difficult.

Today, while sweet Greg is out riding, for exercise, I am reaching out to survivors of abuse, anyone in recovery, and my fellow introverts. You are my people, my tribe and Special Days can be grim for US.

A lil vexed, as my sister continues to establish and nurture relations with my ex and his family.   Perhaps less objectionable if any connection at all had existed prior to our divorce. In more wholesome families, even historical relations with prior in-laws would be set aside.   I speculate my sister will wish to perform a “family” dinner for my ex, his father and my boys this weekend- featuring her demonstrations of grace and hospitality- proof that she is the good one, cloaked in all white with her stiff and practiced smile.  (barfing emoji here) The antics are an unpleasant fact, not a problem.  Clearly, I am not yet in acceptance of this shit-show circus.  Her investment in these alliances  which, for obvious reasons, creates unnecessary conflict between my ex and me (miraculous survivors of hellish marriage and divorce-who worked miracles), intensify our struggle to coparent cohesively for our sons.  This is unkind and a disservice to our children.  My request to “Please Stop” has been found laughable. Continue reading “Fathers Day Feelings”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

To Thine Own Self Be True

So, over lunch, I conducted a survey on my sons and their friends, a highly evolved bunch….of course. I asked: “If you were at school and there were only two plates being served for lunch:  1) highly popular but not what you like and  2) an offering of something far less popular, maybe even unusual (They suggested swordfish) which you liked. What do you choose?  You would be seated at the table only with others who chose the same food selection as you.”  Brilliant response were as follows: Continue reading “To Thine Own Self Be True”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

I know what I Bring to the Table

I know what I bring to the table.  So, trust me when I say: I am not afraid to eat alone.  Sitting at a well set table positioned precariously atop decades of eggshells (unresolved issues) is something I do not choose.  Submitting myself to that energy renders me physically and mentally unwell. Gathering for meals or “special occasions” should not feel awful.  Right?   Continue reading “I know what I Bring to the Table”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/