The right one will know all of your weaknesses and never use them against you.
I have been meaning to share this experience now, for a while. Not only because of the immense pleasure it gives me but because I feel it might be of service to anyone still looking for authentic connection online. In late 2015, I posted a profile on Match.com after moving back East. Disturbingly, my ex husband appeared as my first match. Actually, it was funny, and at the time we were still friendly and working well together (dun dun dunnnn….before my sister’s campaign).
So, I shot him a silly message, gutted my profile, blocked him, and proceeded to post candid low brow pics of myself. Why anyone would want to look better in a photo than in person baffles me. I, 100%, am more attractive in person than in pictures-that actually look like me…or so I think. Just saying: under-promise, over deliver seems a better way to go when trolling for a love, from behind the screen. Right?
In my profile, my headliner was Isolator looking for someone to isolate with. Not for a single minute would I pretend to enjoy socializing, networking, hitting the town…. Those things drain my soul. I also indicated: that my ideal partner shall possess and value wisdom more than intellect or education— and that I opt for humor over wit. I shared my belief that if a person is not kind to the planet and animals, that person is not kind. Kindness is a must. Kindness is not selective. I wished I could locate my original profile text to share because it was truly a masterpiece with very few words and packed with my truths.
See, if I audition for a role as your girlfriend then I have to play her. I don’t do roles anymore, not for jobs, or family or husband or boyfriend. I play me. I shared how I am exceptionally sensitive to sensory stimulus, need a lot of down time and wished only to do adventures and activities during off season and off peak times. That I eat 24/7 with the metabolism of a hummingbird and the appetite of a lion, that I become ferocious when I allow myself to become too hungry or overwhelmed. I shit you not, I fucken said all of this. and more!
I communicated it in a way that suggested my own awareness, that this may be crazy or unreasonable AND-so be it. I was seeking connection with a man with whom, when together, we expand in all ways. Not possible to expand while pretending. Fuck contraction and those who call for it, actually do not fuck them- ever, because if you cant be you and feel your feelings, and you have a soul, there is something else you will not feel or experience within that encounter. Trust me I tried, did the research.
At work, maybe. In community organizations, sometimes. In intimate relationships, absofuckenlutely never again. Thank God for sweet Greg who found me and loves me exactly as I am, unconditionally and generously. It has been an easy year and a half for us in loving each other. He has been steadfast throughout this ordeal/wreckage of my family.
Our operating instructions are undeniably compatible and we could have never known that if either of us had been even a little dishonest about who we are and what works for each of us. He is the best adult human I have ever known, divine. The opposite of all the d-bags I attracted while trying to pretend I was fun and outgoing and up for anything. What a mess pretending did create for me. But honestly, I thought I was those things or at least that doing a fair job of trying to pretend to be those things. I did not have enough self awareness to intentionally misrepresent. I was only attempting to be who I thought the world was telling me to be. I thought the lonely joylessness came from not pretending hard or effectively enough. But it was the pretending that cost me access to my feelings of joy and connection. My world is much smaller now and not at all lonely. Lonely was being with people who need to control you more than to know or support you. I am tired by those who want to be in charge of gifts and punishments. Be in charge of your wholesomeness.
With Greg, I am free to cry,have a bad mood, flip out…, and because of that emotional safety, We are able to laugh and enjoy all things- like I never imagined. My sons may one day read this, so I will stop at that. Naaaahm saaaayin
Authenticity is courageous, wholesome, badass. Try it! Thank you for being here, even those who just lurk but do not comment. I feel you and love you.
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