Transparency is on my mind lately, probably always will be at the fore front after a lifetime of gaslight experiences, always being told that I am not the best narrator of my own emotional and physical experience. Now, the values of clarity, directness, transparency, benevolence are at the top of the list of qualities required for “trusted other” status. These things remain static regardless of mood or desire. Recovery teaches me that catering to erratic moods and desires is not my job, and it is impossible to do with or for people who are not even emotionally honest about their actions and motivations and natural consequences. My boys are getting consistent examples and contrasting experiences as they encounter the dynamics of my FOO and ex alliance. They are too wise for this. At first, I was worried that they would buy in. I am grateful that I am fucken divorced from my foo and ex– they belong together. They have utterly failed to impress or fool my sons. Confused them, stressed them, made them uncomfortable, that is all….just with their ways of being. Boys say they behave so strangely and it is always weird, that they behave unlike our friends or their friends’ parents or families. And I get to explain, that is because they are performing and pretending and it is strange. They are pretending that I do not exist or that it is ok to do as they are. No matter their mental state, I 100% believe they know better. And they want what they want and feel entitled to do as they like.
Their father(ex) expressed anger and embarrassment at them, for not better masking their discomfort….what great lessons and opportunities for illuminating conversations they provide us. I explain to them that if they pretend to like or want what they do not, they will only get more of it. And if you do as people demand to keep them happy you will always have to do that, if keeping them happy is what you want, it is a choice, to be authentic or seek approval.
So, Project Miracle is practice I learned from Anne Lamott and I use it to begin each day to express my gratitude for aspects of #shitihate and can be grateful for anyway. I hope you will feel free to share something awful that you can in some way find gratitude for. One of my hardest but best was finding gratitude for a miscarriage. Because, without it, I would have a different child from the one that followed. Also, my ex was a beast to me this week in response to this text.(Narcissists feel criticized and schooled by this sort of directness) “Hey, next time you’re making plans for the boys during my time with them, please talk to me about it first, Thanks!” After he finished his attacking ranty reactive response, I am grateful to have responded by(drumroll please) copying and pasting that exact same text I originally sent, rather than retaliating or telling him about himself.
Staying out of the ring and resisting the tempting invitations for unwholesome engagement–miracle, wholesome, badass! Yup!Much Love,
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