What Is that smell? Could it be bullshit?

Transparency is on my mind lately, probably always will be at the fore front after a lifetime of gaslight experiences, always being told that I am not the best narrator of my own emotional and physical experience.  Now, the values of clarity, directness, transparency, benevolence are at the top of the list of qualities required for “trusted other” status.  These things remain static regardless of mood or desire.  Recovery teaches me that catering to erratic moods and desires is not my job, and it is impossible to do with or for people who are not even emotionally honest about their actions and motivations and natural consequences.   Continue reading “What Is that smell? Could it be bullshit?”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

The Fighter

Love is a promise, not an emotionKeith Urban “The Fighter” I actually love this song. Because I feel so deeply and unconditionally loved by sweet Greg, after decades of believing that at a cellular level and since birth I am unlovable.  It is one of my sister and mother’s favorite things to illuminate. This song also makes me feel good because I am  loyal fighter of this sort for my sons and my teeny lil tribe. I will not sit by while anyone diminishes or takes advantage.  And if there is nothing I can do to stop it, I can listen and love.

The lyrics on top are the actual chorus lyrics. The set below, in red, I drafted for my own amusement, and hopefully yours.

“What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry (I’ll never make you cry)
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter
What if I fall (I won’t let you fall)
What if I cry I promise I’ll never make you cry
And if I get scared (I’ll hold you tighter)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be the fighter”

What if I fall (better be cuz I pushed you down)
What if I cry (You had it comin)
And if I get scared (Its just for attention)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be right there with them
What if I fall (You’re gonna fall so hard)
What if I cry( Nobody gives a shit )
And if I get scared (I’ll show you scary)
When they’re tryna get to you baby I’ll be their ally.

If my child was struggling, I would be dying for someone else to be their person and love up on them, not rally family and friends against them.  The idea of my  boys one day aligning against me is more comforting than either of them trying to join forces with me or anyone against the other.  I cannot (as an adult, with recovery) relate or appreciate a desire to triangulate and alienate, even a little against my children.  My boys belong to each other 100%–not to me or their dad.  Please God let them learn loyalty as a way of life, even while betrayal is what is being modeled for and required of them.  Ugh.  I love you, boys.  I will do anything for you, always, no matter what.  I will be your fighter.  If  you are sick, sad, hurt, in trouble, I got you.  Always.  I am your mama.  xoxo  I wished I could spare you. 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Independence Day 2017- Freedom from ……..

Waking up kid-free, people free, day off, with only my dogs and an invitation to join trusted others without a requirement to do so is niiiice. The fact is I need lots of people-free time to recover. Not to recover from the people I love(ok, well maybe a little from them) but to recover so that I have something good to give them, not just my 48 years of fatigue. I have been learning about trauma. A reality that is taboo, too obscene and scandalous to speak of, yet honest dialog is essential for healing, no matter how many decades have since passed. Time does not heal shit. Truth does. The knowledge of our experience is stored in our bodies. Continue reading “Independence Day 2017- Freedom from ……..”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/