To me, winning means I get to discover and choose to be my best me. I get to strive spiritually every day, to live in ways that are right for my family(loyalty family, not blood relations) and unharmful to others, though perhaps unpopular. In my family of origin, they do not make the distinction between being unpopular and behaving in ways that are harmful. They retaliate at anything displeasing/irreverent to them, with action and words that diminish and degrade.
My winning means, I do not fight. I do not submit. I just live and speak my truth- accept the unpopularity of my boundaries and choices and the consequences imposed by a FOO, feeling righteously in charge. Winning means letting people be, without attacking, pretending, playing small or being silent. Winning means speaking up in ways that are true and necessary for myself and others who may not yet have the courage. Courage is winning. I do not win against anyone. I win against the urge to engage in ways that are unwholesome.
Modeling newly learned recovery principles and authenticity for my boys is WINNING. Winning has nothing to do with them. I fight old urges, the ways of my upbringing, and historical reactions to insane behavior that feels to me, like abuse.
I win by not engaging. I win by letting natural consequences speak for themselves as well as those imposed on me. Sometimes winning is just not giving AF and other times it is totally giving AF and surrendering to God and not THEM or the damage they knowingly do.
What does winning look and feel like to you?Much Love,
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