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Then You Win

To me, winning means I get to discover and choose to be my best me.  I get to strive spiritually every day, to live in ways that are right for my family(loyalty family, not blood relations) and unharmful to others, though perhaps unpopular.  In my family of origin, they do not make the distinction between being unpopular and behaving in ways that are harmful.  They retaliate at anything displeasing/irreverent to them, with action and words that diminish and degrade.

My winning means, I do not fight.  I do not submit.  I just live and speak my truth- accept the unpopularity of my boundaries and choices and the consequences imposed by a FOO, feeling righteously in charge.  Winning means letting people be, without attacking, pretending, playing small or being silent.  Winning means speaking up in ways that are true and necessary for myself and others who may not yet have the courage.  Courage is winning.  I do not win against anyone.  I win against the urge to engage in ways that are unwholesome.

Modeling newly learned recovery principles and authenticity for my boys is WINNING.  Winning has nothing to do with them.  I fight old urges, the ways of my upbringing, and historical reactions to insane behavior that feels to me, like abuse.

I win by not engaging.  I win by letting natural consequences speak for themselves as well as those imposed on me.  Sometimes winning is just not giving AF and other times it is totally giving AF and surrendering to God and not THEM or the damage they knowingly do.

What does winning look and feel like to you?

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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Published by Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am newly learning faith, hope, and courage, practices not witnessed by me, in my childhood, with my family. Sadly, No Contact, as a last resort, is how I keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

3 Replies to “Then You Win”

  1. Darling Magda,

    Winning, for me, is the hard-won ability to see all of life as not needing a fight to be worth something. Winning is walking by the river and not arguing about anything with my daughter. Winning is opening my arms and saying, “Come on, Bernie,” and having my sometimes-shy old dog hurry as well as he can to get his biiiig hug and lots of sweet talk. Winning, to me, is getting a compliment, deserved or undeserved, and not thinking even for a moment whether I deserved it.
    Winning is not thinking of the alternative – just accepting what IS.
    How often do I win? I guess a little over half the time. The rest of t he time, I go in my room and read or grumble. Sometimes I sneak out at night and just go for a walk in the dark. That has been my lifelong triumph over fear or loss.
    Not worrying is maybe the greatest win. You can’t make me scared of losing if I’m not scared of losing. Except of sometimes.
    A man down the street shot and killed another man, reputedly a meth cook. Now there’s losing. The rest of us won, because a blot on our neighborhood is gone for good. Oh well, there are always more of them, just like dandelions.

    Thanks for your sharing about how YOU win. It’s so much better than thinking about what losers we are. We are NOT losers!

    Love ya,
    JJ

  2. Darling Magda,

    Winning, for me, is the hard-won ability to see all of life as not needing a fight to be worth something. Winning is walking by the river and not arguing about anything with my daughter. Winning is opening my arms and saying, “Come on, Bernie,” and having my sometimes-shy old dog hurry as well as he can to get his biiiig hug and lots of sweet talk.

    Winning, to me, is getting a compliment, deserved or undeserved, and not thinking even for a moment whether I deserved it. Winning is not thinking of the alternative – just accepting… what IS.

    How often do I win? I guess a little over half the time. The rest of t he time, I go in my room and read or grumble. Sometimes I sneak out at night and just go for a walk in the dark. That has been my lifelong triumph over fear or loss. Not worrying is maybe the greatest win. You can’t make me scared of losing if I’m not scared of losing. Except sometimes.

    A man down the street shot and killed another man, reputedly a meth cook. Now there’s losing. The rest of us won, because a blot on our neighborhood is gone for good. Oh well, there are always more of them, just like dandelions.

    Thanks for your sharing about how YOU win. It’s so much better than thinking about what losers we are. We are NOT losers!

    Love ya, JJ

    1. JJ-
      You are amazing. Winning is acceptance for the facts of reality, not accepting bullshit being called love by someone holding the place for a trusted other. I love that the neighborhood residents “won” now that the blot is gone. Stunning, your precious mind, thinking, words, and sentiments are beautiful lil flowers in my weedy lil lot of life. Love wins. I love you, feeling love with you and for you. I win each time I am able to connect with others who bring out the magic in me instead of the madness in me. God speaks to me through others. Thank you for being a trusted other. Thank god for bringing you into my life.

      Magda Gee

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