Death Wishing and Hopelessness

As one who is not social, I choose social media to seek connection with others who relate. No matter how much friends and BF love me, they have vastly un-similar family experiences. On Social Media, I exercise my voice, words, and confusion of otherwise alienating experiences in order to connect with others doing the work of recovery. Continue reading “Death Wishing and Hopelessness”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass


Destroying children and families is not normal, I would argue. Triangulating with an ex husband and building a relationship on shared contempt for your “sister” is not fucken normal. No matter what. And this is just one of the observable acts. They used to have me convinced A) This is how things are handled by those in charge. and B) I deserve to be treated poorly and should shut up. I could not. I screamed. Raged. Drank. Binged. Purged. You name it. I lost my mind trying to get right with some shit that is 100% not right. And I took that thinking and way of being into the world. My refusal to tolerate or engage as they do unleashed the full undeniable wrath. For too long it was denied. As the only evidence of any problem was my inability to cope with things to which I did not consent and could not reject. I was a disaster. Terrified. Angry. Distraught. My recovery has illuminated our irreconcilable differences. Deep sigh.  I am intentional in communicating to my sons that there is nothing normal about what is happening and that it is not ok or their (my sons’) fault or responsibility.  While they must please their father to survive, they are welcome to express their true feelings to me.  He has no regard for their discomfort and the feelings they have sitting at a table with people who openly behave in ways that hurt their mother and do not speak of it or her.  WTF?  Fuck eggshells and big elephants in the room.  We share our truths here.  We talk about those elephants and that eggshells are the things that people are too afraid to speak of.  And together, we have nothing to fear…maybe that is why they wanted to divide us from each other.  The legacy of abuse stops here.  I will not quietly stand by while they are thrown into insane shark tank to eat or be eaten to sink or to swim.  
Continue reading “It is NOT NORMAL”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass

Are You Effing Insane?

People inquire: “Aren’t you afraid people will think you’re angry, impossible, and insane?” And the truth is many people have thought that about me, and for years I was those things from having not learned how to navigate such trouble waters.  My family relied on me reacting poorly to abuse, with insanity, so they could justify being abusive.  Even if I am, does that make it ok to destroy my co-parenting relationship and to alienate my children?  I do not think so.  Now that I do not scream, swear, or threaten in response to being bullied, they are left only with their own behavior to contemplate…if they were capable or willing.  I stopped offering the gift of distraction with my outrageous reactions, years ago.  I learned to say No.  Period. It was the beginning of the end. Continue reading “Are You Effing Insane?”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass

Stonewalling-How it Works

Stonewalling is a tactic commonly used by bullies wanting to control, humiliate, and frustrate a target who attempts to resolve a conflict through reasonable discussion or negotiation. Accusations of mental deficiency, harassment, and even bullying, are other typical methods of asserting dominance, intimidating the target, and discouraging objections to the abuse from both victim and bystanders. To the insightful observer, these behaviors reveal the bully’s true motivations.

I cannot help but marvel at the abundance of information on this matter and the unwillingness of so many to consider the validity and the reality of this abuse.  I will continue sharing and speaking up.  It helps more than it hurts.  Speak up.  Never feel ashamed when someone is abusive to you.  They will be sneaky about it and insistent that it is only your inability to understand or relate to the goodness of them.  Alienation and maintenance and denial of conflict are all part of the wizardry.   Abusers are elevated by the compliance and silence of bystanders.  I believe there are others who need and deserve elevation more–and will even be so grateful as to pay it forward.    Abuse is not justifiable.  Knowingly taking action and speaking words that harm others, particularly children is FOUL.  I can think of no other word–perhaps, criminal.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass

Relief Is Available–Name It to Tame It

Living with lack of safe and secure attachment means we look for it until we find it. And, when we are particularly hungry due to lack of attachment food, we take what we find on the path. Our survival depends on it. That’s what our evolution has dictated until recent times. Not belonging to a tribe meant we might die.  And now, that’s how it still feels in our bodies.  Sometimes, the emotional hunger subsides when we realize food isn’t coming and we try to numb out sensations of hunger. We numb out all over because emotional hunger is a whole body thing. We need to not fall apart until our next meal arrives or is discovered. We find many ways to distract ourselves from real hunger for food, don’t we? Same goes for emotional hunger. But the numbing only lasts as long as it over powers our need to attach. Some people turn to stronger sources of numbing: food, drugs, work, spending money, gambling, sex, etc etc.

Yet the hunger grows as we get older, crying to be fed or to be healed. One or the other, isn’t it? The holes in us get bigger or smaller. They don’t stay the same. 

If we don’t heal our original attachment deficits, we might off load our emotional hunger onto our kids.

We might think we are loving our kids but we might actually be trying to feed our emotional hunger through the love and attachment we want our kids to have for us. Over involvement, resisting our kids’ individuating, lacking boundaries, thinking attachment means staying overly engaged in our kids lives as they grow into adults can be some signs. We can’t have emotional hunger truly fed by a partner so we will look at the next best thing, our kids. We might think we are loving our kids but we might be actually showing love SO THAT we get fed by them and they fill that empty space in us. Sometimes our kids will pick up on our holes and scramble to make sure we are ok because them being ok depends on us being ok.

Emotional hunger is a whole body, whole organism sensation. It’s painful. Empathic people feel other people’s pain. 

To feel it, we might be swallowed up by it. If we don’t have enough food, all we can think of is food, no?. If we didn’t have the safe and healthy attachment we needed in our childhoods, the emotional nourishment we need to grow our spirits and minds and hearts, it’s like trying to grow healthy bones out of empty calories, out of Fruit Loops or, even worse, saw dust.

We take it from people we know we should stay away from when in so many ways they show us we should turn away. Turning away means sitting with the ache of emotional hunger. We rejoice in those moments we feel full. But they don’t last. Attachment deficits leave holes in us that need repair. They need the spiritual power of grief to heal. They need the sting of pain or even anger to be signalled into repair. The kind of pure pain that isn’t clouded by dramatic endings or beginnings. To repair, the original source of these wounds needs to be felt and held and guided into a new type of wholeness that has nothing to do with getting what we really really wanted. They require giving up on those people we so wish could have or would have or should have but have no ability to repair the damage. We have to grow up now without the people we wished could have ushered us into adulthood as relatively whole, with heart and spirit bellies full of attachment food. 

That original pain is the alchemist. We can learn to come back to life to ourselves when we can see that living with that emotional hunger won’t kill us, won’t eat us up from the inside. Medicating it with temporary fixes never lets it repair. We can’t run from it. It’ll catch up with us eventually. Today, we have even easier ways to run from it like shopping for people in online catalogues coupled with sped up intimacy via constant texting and contact.  

Online dating is like Uber Eats for people living with an attachment deficit.

We can chase away the emotional hunger with a new fix. We never have to sit with it. We can escape with simply turning to our phones for some empty calories anytime we want. Sure, some of us with attachment deficiencies might ‘luck out’ and find ‘the one’ who can lead us to healing. I’m a skeptic though. The fantasy of THE ONE is another temporary cure for emotional hunger.  Even drifting off into the fantasy in our minds can fill those attachment deficits for moments at a time. We dissociate from our pain when we get pulled into the dream world that someone can permanently take away the pain of what we didn’t get.

There is hope.

We aren’t meant to walk this road to wholeness alone. Just like we weren’t able to survive alone from the time we were born, when we needed the emotional nourishment to grow a healthy spirit and heart. We can repair those holes with the help of people who get it. Childhood trauma and attachment experts get it, the ones who know we are more than brains and minds. They can be part of holding us so we no longer look for escape in dissociative behaviours that temporarily take the sting away.

Humans have experienced traumas from the beginning of our history. The difference now is that we have this pervasive idea that we should be able to recover outside a tribe or community.  There was always a healer in a tribe. We need to find our wise healers who know how to bring us into wholeness again. We need the wisdom and care and love that can’t be found in one person alone. We need each other. We can get enough attachment nourishment from people we don’t need to dissociate around, which includes the people from our original tribe that might be fast asleep from their own attachment deficits.

We can learn to replace our emotional hunger with a capacity to choose the quality of our nourishment. We can learn to say no to food that is empty and lacking. At some point, we might be able to sit with the feeling of waking up to our pain, like a leg that was asleep coming back to life. It doesn’t feel good for a while. But, at least we get the use of our leg back.

At least we stop filling ourselves up and never feeling full.  

by Jane Clapp (another hero)


Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass

Truth Speaking–Amen

Definition of amen  (this is highly relevant)

  1. —used to express solemn ratification (as of an expression of faith) or hearty approval (as of an assertion)

Dear Maggie,

I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you.  You have always been impossible.   When people behave badly to you it is because you need to change….not because they have work to do on themselves.  It is not that they are incapable of being loving.  It is your unworthiness.  Clearly.  None the less, we would allow you to join US for dinner.
Meeting Randy and collaborating with someone who knows you to be as difficult as we do has been like a breath of fresh air.  Totally affirming.  As soon as you do as we like- transform yourself into someone who does not cause others to be abusive, and withholding, we will be ready to consider this healthy connection you claim to want.  Until then, there is really nothing we can or are willing to do.
It is not that we are unloving— so much as that you are and always have been unlovable.  As soon as you acknowledge this and get to work on it, we will be ready for something better.  If you have discomfort around us, that is your problem.  why must you try to make us concern ourselves.  Don’t you get it, you are responsible for your own bad feelings as well as for ours.  you have no power to change or discuss, only option is to pretend.  Just do it!
That you worked through a litigious divorce after a loveless marriage to move here in partnership with Randy is miraculous.  To have forfeited that just by being you and all that you may have said or done in the previous 4 decades is unfortunate.  We claim to not be angry but seize every opportunity to discuss with others your sins…that we are not mad about.
In spite of being the mean spirited bully you always have been, we would allow you to sit at our table.  You don’t even have to thank us.  The truth is we want access to your boys and will do anything to have it— but work though OUR mess.  Having Randy has been a nice way to circumvent this.  He is so willing and accommodating.  Even he might forgive you if you would just do as you are told. The boys are old enough to handle the added stress of this triangulation. 
Please stop asking to heal the damage.  The divisive email was necessary and we choose to be in charge of the division and expect you to just accept your lot and come when called.
 Just take your well-earned licks and chalk it up to sucking and saying unfortunate things over the course of your life.  You owe us.   We will never directly acknowledge or apologize for any word or action of our own. 
While we have compromised the quality of our relationships with your boys, we are confident that over time we can win them with cool gifts and parties and compliments..  Rest assured this email will go unanswered as do most or we will respond affirming our rightness and your unworthiness as Frank did 20 years ago and again from Catherine each time you refused an uncomfortable gathering over the last 10 years.  We hate the way you handle your pain AND are unwilling to acknowledge that we have anything to do with the strain you feel in our company. 
We like to tell others how you flipped out at our therapy session and had to leave the room.  We don’t tell them why or that you were pregnant and had an eleven month old– and miscarried on that day…just that you are a disaster.  Again, we would let you come back despite the fact we have insured you can never truly be comfortable with those included in the family email your sister graciously composed in order to save the family.    She would do anything for OUR family, including let you come back to it.
The Collective

I was cleaning out my email and came across this affirming “sentiment” from my female sibling.  Affirming because for nearly 5 decades she undermined and diminished me while engaging in schemes and conversations intended to convey love, concern, and a true desire for peace and unity.  FOO always claiming it is I who misunderstands what is really going on.  That I don’t get it.  My confusion and delusion are the only real issues.  I totally get it!  And yes, that shit is confusing.


So, Feeling distraught by the confusion and pain of the claims my sister makes, to want family in conjunction with her oppositional and divisive initiatives, I composed the below email- sharing how it looks from my side and sent it to my FOO from my work email address.  I wanted to let my mother and sister know how I experience them.  Foolishly, I anticipated a response, like OMG, how awful that you think that.  How terrifying and painful.  We must talk.  Sooooo, not what happened.

The pic shows my sister’s singular response of Amen, copied to my mother and me and the only concern expressed, after realizing they had exposed themselves, was “what kind of sicko would write that letter?”  Well, I suppose a deeply wounded soul would write that with hopes of being acknowledged or allowed to share more directly.  Would an equally good question be “What kind of sickO would say AMEN??”  or what sort of mother promotes this between her children?  After they understood that it was to/from me and that undeniable truth–  revealed unapologetically in writing– had been provided, there was no effort to elevate and no way to deny the state of things.  The thought of my children in their presence is nauseating.

Above is the email from me firstinitial.lastname@workemail….  (Since they never respond, I assumed they had me blocked from my personal email)   Remember, I wrote this!  They didn’t recognize the email address and approved of the sentiments to include me in their responses.  One more time my sister shows her teeth and her ass and everyone turns it around, as if that one word in response to that letter is anything but hate.

Oh wait, it gets better.  While there is no judgment or questioning of my sister’s behaviors devastate MY family, it is the widely held belief that she is of maximum service to us as a unit– and that my unwillingness to sit at the table with her or any group of people who behave this way is problematic, withholding, unreasonable, on my part.  Oh  Okaaay.  Who could survive and mange that for nearly 5 decades without being disturbed.  I own that I am deeply disturbed by this disturbing relationship.  To not be disturbed would be sociopathic, IMHO.

If I can capture her other wrathful other email in a pic, I may post at a later date.  She ccd all of her family and my ex-inlaws.  I just don’t see how she gets any credit for kindness or wholesomeness.  Her behavior right now today in the present is hateful.  The only miracle is in my knowing that is a reflection of her, not me.  Recovering from this, while living in close proximity requires a lot of sharing.


Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram- wholesomebadass