Broken But Not Destroyed

Day 5 of my Year of Miracles with Marianne Williamson-

I have given excessive thought to things like blame, shame, unworthiness, faith, courage, and serenity. The last three are developments from doing the work of
recovery. Previously I relied exclusively on blame, shame, unworthiness to guide me—OH, and decades of resentment for being saddled with both spoken and unspoken messages to “BE different or else goddammit.(Step to, get on fucken script!”) Since, I cannot force or feign healing or transformation, I defaulted to the “OR ELSE”.

In my family of origin, the message I continue to receive is “If you are truly grateful and decent, you will stop (being you)”. Message received. I know for people outside of recovery, it appears that I choose, earn, and am responsible for all of
the brokenness of our family. Thank God, what other people think is no longer my business-another magical nugget of wisdom offered by spiritual recovery and seeking information on mental wellness.

Marianne shares in today’s reading that:  “It doesn’t matter how we get to be a certain way. What matters is that we are honest with ourselves about the way we are—the crooked places that need to be made straight, the wounds in our hearts that fester for years, unhealed—broken pieces of ourselves that seem beyond repair.”

Until we admit our defects, we cannot take responsibility for them. I like the expression of “Name it to tame it.”  A malady cannot effectively be treated before being accurately identified.  Right?   I learned in the course of my mother’s cancer treatment, that for cancer patients, it is essential to determine which type of cancer is present in order to know exactly the necessary course of treatment. Previously, I believed all cancer got THE chemo and THE radiation. The cancer type is determined by where it first originates, and not necessarily where it presents.   My mother’s cancer became first evident in her lungs, but in fact, it was ovarian cancer, and was treated accordingly and well.

Ok—a lil tangent, but still about recovery and healing. The doctors first did the work to name it then tamed it. Twice! She is cancer-free, I am told.

For now, our family behaves as if I am the the source of cancer within our FOO (but actually, I am the place where it presents) and I must be removed.   I think there may be confusion over whom shall be credited with my removal, them or ME. With my marriage, my ex declared he would do NO work on himself (that he would never change-he actually said those words)—a promise he will keep, so I filed for divorce. On one hand, he likes to say he ended it with me, because then he is in charge and feels un-rejected. On the other hand, he likes to say it was me who filed for divorce and I am to blame. This dynamic is nuts, wanting authority without responsibility.  In recovery, I have but one trusted authority, God. I am unable to strive for and maintain wellness in systems like my marriage and FOO that demand reverence to…what, I am not even sure what to call it—their will, their mood, their agenda.  I cannot abide by anything as dynamic and non-benevolent as that.  I am responsible only for my own wellness and behavior.  Good Orderly Directions are all that I revere.  They are not a source for that.

Today is only Day 5 with Marianne Williamson. I cannot wait to see where my 365 journey will leave me.. In true addict fashion, I am tempted to jam through the remaining 360 days over the weekend. However, I recognize that lasting transformation requires intention, time, faith, willingness, and discipline. Discipline remains tricky for me.  I will continue working on myself.  Doing the work is BADASS-(all caps, yo).  And totally WHOLESOME-  It is not for everyone.

I am a work in pogress.  I will never stop changing.  As my sister likes to say-Amen!

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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