Emotional Honesty and Healing v. Play Acting

Our attitudes are usually conveyed to other people by what we say and do–and how, if the attitudes really reflect what we feel.  Gentle actions and soft, courteous words may only counterfeit our true feelings.  We may even think we have overcome resentment, self-righteousness and self-pity, but if they are still there inside us, they will in some mysterious way emanate from us and deny what we try to convey by our play-acting.

“How can he tell?” asks a confused wife.  “I never raise my voice, never argue, try to do what he expects, and yet he’s always challenging me!”
Today’s Reminder
Merely to change my behaviour, and what I say and do, does not prove a change of inward attitude.  I am deceiving myself if I imagine I can completely disguise my real feelings.  They will somehow come through, and prolong the hostility in my family.  I must root out entirely the troublesome emotions I’ve been trying to hide

Today’s reading is a much needed affirmation and reminder of what matters to me.  This is not a personal choice, rather genuine acceptance that I am an utter failure at sustained play acting, and no longer available for the fall out of play-
acting.
 Dying inside- tryyyying to do and be what is required in order to sustain (the illusion of) inclusion and avoid banishment is no longer conceivable.  I see now, that my not knowing how to negotiate the terms of the Eternal Minimizer, I reacted by assuming an opposing role–  maximizing the attention to be given to the “thing”, desperate to not be minimized and diminished.  Those intense reactions and efforts led me to feel and become labelled insane.  While the minimizer gains traction from their calm appearance, the one being systematically minimized  will lose their mind,literally, and then be readily dismissed as dramatic and crazy- deserving of abuse/silencing.  My recovery requires allowing them to minimize, while letting go of efforts to force them to see or behave differently.  Minimizing is not for me.  It is red flag behavior.  While I cannot change it, you know what I can do?  I can minimize my exposure.  MY healing  requires more than an intellectual commitment to do so.  Emotional Honesty is hard work and totally wholesome.   It is too much for some.  For those people are quick to assert that the insane upset one is the historical revisionist-and a scapegoat/black sheep is born.  Gas lighting is the technique used to make a person question reality and themselves.  I can not say for certain what “really” happened in the past, only my experience of “what happened”–

but I absolutely will have my say about the future for myself and my sweet boys–  I am a fucken future revisionist.(←100% WBA)  Take that bitchez!  (←very non WBA comment)
On a political note, I am grateful that #45 puts minimal effort toward even pretending to not be a  chauvinist, bigot, racist, elitist.  His words and actions are pretty well aligned in  this way.
Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Author: Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part– to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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