One day at a time, I seek,find, and create comfort around what it is like to be the object of scapegoating, betrayal, discarding. For me, this is the blessing of finding and connecting with those who relate through similar experience. So, my friends and boyfriend, no matter how loving– are not my greatest supply or resource in the naming and processing the dynamics and tactics that define this sort of family system. They will listen and love me but they cannot get it and sometimes it is just too much. My sharing for me, feels as fruitless as it does painful for them. I cannot begin to imagine having survived THIS during the pioneer era or even the
60s-90s(no social media) when Betty Draper was considered a model of female excellence: wearing her well-crafted poise, grace, and stunning beauty while offloading her discontent, infernal rage, shame, and childish resentment on all whom failed to please and serve her as she saw fit. Well dressed, wealthy, righteous and abusive AF.
Mental wellness, sobriety, and boundaries were not values of that era—and recovery did not exist as an option. I would have died without today’s outlets and resources when the only acceptable option was Adaptation over Authenticity. I am not wired for that. I realize discussing the details in the light of day is perceived as subversive. I also see that sharing fearlessly is essential to healing.
I own my reliance on social media as a place to laugh, cry, understand and articulate my experience to those with the courage to look right at it without judgment. Allowing me to let go of shame that is not mine to carry . I seek all that supports emotional and spiritual recovery—deep unlearning and re-parenting of my whole myself. In this way I grow into a more wholesome way of thinking, living, loving, and parenting. I am a work in progress. Making better mistakes one day at a time. Recovery requires me to go where the love is and to avoid anyone insisting that I am difficult to love. Recovery is wholesome and badass. It is too much for some. I am beyond grateful for the option and the courage to change the things I can.
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