Happy Birthday

Eddie Murphy is the man. Sober AF and still Funny as hell.

I adore Eddie Murphy and may celebrate later by watching Coming to America or Beverly Hills Cop.  Laughter is key and I have found that unless I can be free to cry around you, I will never deeply laugh with you or enjoy or want sex with you.  Wholesome laughter, for me, seems the height of intimacy, laughing at things that do not diminish others.  While this meme may seem distasteful to some, it is just plain silly, mocking ignorance, itself.  I think it would only agitate those deep into being perceived as politically correct, while failing to make the distinction between PC and morally upright.  Just saaayin.

Anyhoo-Birthdays have always been difficult, not because I am concerned with my age, but because I have always felt the pressure to suddenly transform into this person that I am not:   social, upbeat, grateful for shit I do not want in place of stuff I need, happy to be surrounded by people who show no signs of giving a genuine fuck about me 364, and don’t mind serving me foods I dislike past my dinner time-in honor of me.

What I am grateful for is my ability to laugh and cry with my trusted others for all of the days of the year. I am grateful to have people in my life who truly know and want me, exactly as I am, even the prickly parts.

I hope to not receive weird cards in my mailbox from people who consistently discount my right to serenity and wholeness. Holiday sentiments in that form are unwelcome reminders of all that is not. I have enough of those. #thanksbutnothanks

For my birthday, I have special lunch and dinner plans and I will treat myself well by scheduling my mammogram and annual gyno appt (because having that task ticked off the list will feel freeing), by cleaning my home to the standard I wish for it to be. I have already ordered myself a fancy bra, that promises to fit perfectly and will treat myself to a manicure. Recovery teaches me how to practice appropriate self care. It is so unnatural to me, but today, I will do things that are good for me with people who are good for me. I will eat what my body needs when it needs to be fed and I will spend time alone, because my wiring requires that I do so. I will be free from anyone who dares to challenge or judge that.

Because life is both too long and #lifeistooshort for anything other.  Happy Birthday to me!

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

We Can Do Hard Things

Sweet Greg and I had a profoundly expansive and beautiful near 2 years together and have sadly arrived at a place in which we cannot continue as we have, believing knowing what we believe “know” and feeling what we feel.  Tomorrow is my birthday and while many would want to just get through that, the last thing I want is a strained or achy birthday dinner.  I have had my fill of those. In the process of moving homes, changing jobs, and entering into the holiday season, it seems unfair timing to cut myself loose from someone so dear, I understand that friendship ONLY is not appealing to him.

•I am sad

•I am grateful

•I am angry

•I am being responsible and fair

•I am grieving—just add this to the pile of things to grieve

•I don’t like it

•I will not pretend

•I will not deny

•I will not ignore

Possessing the courage to share my truth and to step all the way into it, one more time, dividing me from someone, whom I do not want to be without, is something I feel good about.

DAILY READING RECOVERY-Relationships are lessons in my soul growth.My recovery and relationship to God and myself matter more to me than any relationship or relationship status to others.  I am divorced.  I am single.  I am choosing authenticity over fear. I am BRAVING (Brene Brown-Braving the Wilderness)

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

One Day at A Time

People who don’t mind hurting you, will hurt you.

One day at a time, I seek,find, and create comfort around what it is like to be the object of scapegoating, betrayal, discarding.  For me, this is the blessing of finding and connecting with those who relate through similar experience.  So, my friends and boyfriend, no matter how loving– are not my greatest supply or resource in the naming and processing the dynamics and tactics that define this sort of family system.  They will listen and love me but they cannot get it and sometimes it is just too much. My sharing for me, feels as fruitless as it does painful for them.  I cannot begin to imagine having survived THIS during the pioneer era or even the

Even dressed in a unicorn costume or all white, you are still a snake.

60s-90s(no social media) when Betty Draper was considered a model of female excellence:  wearing her well-crafted poise, grace, and stunning beauty while offloading her discontent, infernal rage, shame, and childish resentment on all whom failed to please and serve her as she saw fit.  Well dressed, wealthy, righteous and abusive AF.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. People are watching. Closely.

Mental wellness, sobriety, and boundaries were not values of that era—and recovery did not exist as an option.  I would have died without today’s outlets and resources when the only acceptable option was Adaptation over Authenticity.  I am not wired for that.  I realize discussing the details in the light of day is perceived as subversive.  I also see that sharing fearlessly is essential to healing.

I own my reliance on social media as a place to laugh, cry, understand and articulate my experience to those with the courage to look right at it without judgment.  Allowing me to let go of shame that is not mine to carry .  I seek all that supports emotional and  spiritual recovery—deep unlearning and re-parenting of my whole myself.  In this way I grow into a more wholesome way of thinking, living, loving, and parenting.  I am a work in progress.  Making better mistakes one day at a time.  Recovery requires me to go where the love is and to avoid anyone insisting that I am difficult to love.  Recovery is wholesome and badass.  It is too much for some.  I am beyond grateful for the option and the courage to change the things I can.

No is always the answer. Always

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Emotional Honesty and Healing v. Play Acting

Our attitudes are usually conveyed to other people by what we say and do–and how, if the attitudes really reflect what we feel.  Gentle actions and soft, courteous words may only counterfeit our true feelings.  We may even think we have overcome resentment, self-righteousness and self-pity, but if they are still there inside us, they will in some mysterious way emanate from us and deny what we try to convey by our play-acting.

Continue reading “Emotional Honesty and Healing v. Play Acting”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Poor Sally Draper

I recently began (binge(ofcourse)) watching Mad Men after having attempted before but never fully getting into it. In true addict fashion, I went from zero interest to obsession.  I admittedly do many things in this way, though I do not feel addicted to anything other than carbs. I am aware of my all-or-nothing way of attending to things. Shopping, eating, drinking, blogging, crafting, sex, TV, AND NEVER house cleaning or exercise…Ha!  I can officially identify two ways in which I may certainly claim likeness to Brene Brown: my pupu platter of addictive behaviors and the addiction to carbs.

Oh, so back to Mad Men:  I think I may be more clearly understanding how and why my grandmother, mother , and sister are as they are– The white knuckling insistence that everything must be fine and perfect OR else! I shared this insight with my spiritually elevated neighbor, who asked me if I might now find some compassion for each of them—for how terrified they are, every minute of every day.  I am struggling with that question and my gut response to being called to dig so deep.  I feel lacking in the bandwidth required to recover from and unlearn my entire childhood and feel anything unscary for those who collectively and individually decided it was ok to be unkind to me–and to now involve my ex husband and my children.  It is not wholesome.  I get that hurt people hurt people—until they fucken decide to stop.

For now, the best I can do is to seek a willingness to feel more than judgement for them AND an overwhelming urge to protect (or at least educate) my children from that dark, controlling, menacing AF Betty Draper energy.  We never pretend it is normal or healthy to get too close to those who feel right in diminishing others.  Ever.

I have mad compassion for all the little Sally Drapers out there who were and are punished and banished arbitrarily.  I was a lil tiny Sally Draper, Truth Seeker, just tyrnuh figure out how to be in the world–with a mother whom I did not readily suit or please….and with a grandmother and sister eagerly serving as enforcers of whatever TF it is called that was is being upheld.

Peggy Olson is  my spirit animal.  She is wholesome badass 360.  Heroic and humble.  Strong and vulnerable.  Kind, honest, and direct.  Pure hearted!  Truth Speaker!  Who knew this series would be so enlightening?  I can see how my Sally/Peggy needs interfered with people of Betty Draper Mindset.  I do not know what that is called….though it seems to resemble descriptions of  narcissism and alcoholism. Apparently narcissistic triangulation is a thing if you google it, there is much about it.  Maybe you relate.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Recovery from Life

I struggle to relate to anyone asserting they have nothing to recover from. ? Every cell of my being tells me to beware of people claiming that.   Usually because they are unwilling to own their dis-ease and therefore likely to offload rather than heal it– and quick to judge and banish those honestly addressing struggle and pain. ⚠️I adore recovery and all people humble enough to do the work.  Spiritual recovery—we all lose parts of our spirits and have been injured by someone or something, in ways that we may not understand.  Recovery from low self-esteem, low self-worth, people-pleasing, depression, grief, ptsd, abuse, fear of scarcity, unhealthy coping skills, obsessions, sexual abuse, incest leading to addictions to drugs, sex, alcohol, shopping, exercising, eating, staying busy, being right or perfect—all of those “things” are responses to pain.  “Healthy striving is said to be diametrically opposing attempts at and need for  perfection, which is driven by fear, control, shame, and results in separation.  Those are all spiritual maladies for which their are spiritual solutions.”  When our focus is on how others perceive us, that is not mental or spiritual wellness, that is brokenness -which tells us look to others to see if we are ok.  Trying to guess how others will feel and respond to us can make us overwhelmed, anxious, and very controlling.  We are powerless over that.  And so long as we think and behave otherwise, we will have difficulty being our true selves and allowing others the same—the birthplace of eggshells.  The First Step in any of the fellowships teaches us that we are powerless over people, places and things.  And to live otherwise is unmanageability- in the form of tryyyyying to hard all of the time to be feel and make others feel what they do not.  It is true insanity.  Though many people dedicate a lifetime managing, controlling, and regulating others to avoid dealing with the truth of what they feel, what they have done, and what they do.  Below is an excerpt from one of my readers that feels especially relevant.  In program, seeking serenity has become my primary purpose, and my greatest miracle.  Knowing I need help and making myself available for guidance and change was the beginning of my recovery life.  Living in this way, being guided by a higher non-human power is the freedom, connection, and guidance I always needed but did not know.  So, for me it is a re-parenting of myself.  No longer controlled by my will or the will of another allows me to seek truth and serenity, to head directly into difficulty knowing that I am not alone and that I have tools and choices to help me navigate rather than avoid what must be dealt with. Continue reading “Recovery from Life”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/