The Opposite of Faith

There is much change in my life as I transition homes and career AND try to accept the finality of my family of origin’s committed alignment with my ex husband, which for many reasons is harmful.  They do this to circumvent  the depth of work toward resolution or even genuine peace between US, without forfeiting physical access to my children. I often feel desperate for certainty.  So, with the recent disconnect(revealed by political differences) between Sweet Greg and me, I wanted certainty, to skip right over not knowing how it could be, so I could just 100% be sure of something—like that we were over.  It would be easier to do that, because not knowing is difficult.  But then I remembered, my Faith is immense and I take risk and make big moves when necessary…and that I can wait through difficult times. Sweet Greg and I have together, decided that there is no rush to KNOW and that we shall remain committed to our relationship while not pretending honestly acknowledging our struggle. Intimacy is the place where this truly presents itself.  It is not a punishment, but a natural and non-permanent consequence  of this “thing” that separates us.

I am grateful to be in a struggle together, with him, not against him, and not free from him, but working together through difficulty to see what is true and possible.  Tragically and foolishly, I thought my ex husband and I might find lasting connection in divorce, as it would join us in working together toward something we both knew was right.  That lasted only until he re-united with his sisters( he could never be close with his sisters and me at the same time—always forced to choose–sound familiar??  Poor Guy) His sisters prospered immensely from marriages and divorces from people who had more than they did and had distinct ideas and suggestions for how to win the battle of divorce-  Ugh–  The zero-sum game–Somebody must lose!

Anyway, We are all grateful and excited about our pumpkin carving afternoon and Saturday Taco dinner.  Love and faith win–but are too much for those who must be  certain and right.  I am grateful I for the opportunities to unlearn this thinking and to practice living and being in ways that are new to me.  I love you, Greg and we are worth the struggle and the not knowing.  And resolution is the place where relationships are strengthened.  We are strong and courageous AF–total badasses for surrendering to uncertainty and struggle!  Together, we expand.

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Author: Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part– to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

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2 Comments on "The Opposite of Faith"

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JayyyyyJay
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I envy you. I don’t think any relationship of mine was ever that intense. Or, yes, intense, but, ummmm, let’s see — lacking the commitment to something bigger than ourselves. Even lacking the commitment to the best in ourselves and each other. Now you can take this with a cupful or so of sand, but I am the serious one, so avid for the answer to the Big Question (first of all, what IS the Big Question?) Matt cared about it, but he got so hot under the collar- we didn’t exactly make progress towards “growth” for our selves or… Read more »
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