The Opposite of Faith

There is much change in my life as I transition homes and career AND try to accept the finality of my family of origin’s committed alignment with my ex husband, which for many reasons is harmful.  They do this to circumvent  the depth of work toward resolution or even genuine peace between US, without forfeiting physical access to my children. I often feel desperate for certainty.  So, with the recent disconnect(revealed by political differences) between Sweet Greg and me, I wanted certainty, to skip right over not knowing how it could be, so I could just 100% be sure of something—like that we were over.  It would be easier to do that, because not knowing is difficult.  But then I remembered, my Faith is immense and I take risk and make big moves when necessary…and that I can wait through difficult times. Sweet Greg and I have together, decided that there is no rush to KNOW and that we shall remain committed to our relationship while not pretending honestly acknowledging our struggle. Intimacy is the place where this truly presents itself.  It is not a punishment, but a natural and non-permanent consequence  of this “thing” that separates us.

I am grateful to be in a struggle together, with him, not against him, and not free from him, but working together through difficulty to see what is true and possible.  Tragically and foolishly, I thought my ex husband and I might find lasting connection in divorce, as it would join us in working together toward something we both knew was right.  That lasted only until he re-united with his sisters( he could never be close with his sisters and me at the same time—always forced to choose–sound familiar??  Poor Guy) His sisters prospered immensely from marriages and divorces from people who had more than they did and had distinct ideas and suggestions for how to win the battle of divorce-  Ugh–  The zero-sum game–Somebody must lose!

Anyway, We are all grateful and excited about our pumpkin carving afternoon and Saturday Taco dinner.  Love and faith win–but are too much for those who must be  certain and right.  I am grateful I for the opportunities to unlearn this thinking and to practice living and being in ways that are new to me.  I love you, Greg and we are worth the struggle and the not knowing.  And resolution is the place where relationships are strengthened.  We are strong and courageous AF–total badasses for surrendering to uncertainty and struggle!  Together, we expand.


Much Love,
Magda Gee

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2 Replies to “The Opposite of Faith”

  1. I envy you. I don’t think any relationship of mine was ever that intense. Or, yes, intense, but, ummmm, let’s see — lacking the commitment to something bigger than ourselves. Even lacking the commitment to the best in ourselves and each other.
    Now you can take this with a cupful or so of sand, but I am the serious one, so avid for the answer to the Big Question (first of all, what IS the Big Question?) Matt cared about it, but he got so hot under the collar- we didn’t exactly make progress towards “growth” for our selves or anyone.
    We did have fun, and I certainly discovered depths in my emotions that I had always hoped were there, but never found. There was such a freedom in grabbing my two dogs, my purse and possibly my overnight bag, slamming the door behind me, and rushing helter-skelter out to my car and LEAVING! Again.
    Not a good strategy for growing a lasting love.

    OK, Girl. You go for IT. If you don’t find it one place, never, ever, ever Give Up.

    Love you and your great soap opera of a life!

    1. JayJay,
      I am so over my intensity. It is exhausting, but it is not a choice or a defect, just a part of who I am. Fortunately, I get to choose those who are unvexed by this and give space to the rest. Sweet sweet Greg, I just don’t know how he does it. He is also very intense, just less so, visibly. And only knowing him deeply would allow a person to see that part of him. My intensity is 24/7 in all situations, much to do with trauma and sensory issues, much more difficult to self-regulate. I am learning though. Thank you for being here, in my weird lil corner.
      Love you,

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