Sweet Greg and I had a profoundly expansive and beautiful near 2 years together and have sadly arrived at a place in which we cannot continue as we have, believing knowing what we believe “know” and feeling what we feel. Tomorrow is my birthday and while many would want to just get through that, the last thing I want is a strained or achy birthday dinner. I have had my fill of those. In the process of moving homes, changing jobs, and entering into the holiday season, it seems unfair timing to cut myself loose from someone so dear, I understand that friendship ONLY is not appealing to him.
•I am sad
•I am grateful
•I am angry
•I am being responsible and fair
•I am grieving—just add this to the pile of things to grieve
•I don’t like it
•I will not pretend
•I will not deny
•I will not ignore
Possessing the courage to share my truth and to step all the way into it, one more time, dividing me from someone, whom I do not want to be without, is something I feel good about.
My recovery and relationship to God and myself matter more to me than any relationship or relationship status to others. I am divorced. I am single. I am choosing authenticity over fear. I am BRAVING (Brene Brown-Braving the Wilderness)
Magda Gee
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That’s a mighty mature share there, lady. My heart actually hurts for both of you, but at the same time, I see the beauty in your being able to say goodbye to someone you loved and still do love (very, very differently) in that way that lets you face the best and the worst in your inner being. You know that chapter of your life has been incredibly important, and not least important is the way you manage your deepest feelings as you paint the last brush strokes in the picture.
To think back on the end of my first marriage (my first real, serious deep plunge into love), and then compare it with the end of my last love: so many worlds apart, and I’m not even sure it was any “better.” But yes, it was conscious. The first one was just a fantasy, and Matt was… just a fantasy, too, but… I knew what the story was about from the beginning, knew what he’d meant to me from day to day, knew what I hadn’t learned and something of what I had, and learned that being lent a heart that incredible for three short years was worth a lifetime without it. Nothing could have substituted for that.
Congratulations on doing the very best you can, in this as in so many other things. You are a worthy little sister to me! I love you, I love you for being such a WBA!
JayyyyJay,
I just adore your spirit and your presence of light in this little life of mine. Yes, being conscious is a game changer. I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I am grateful to no longer live in a world where forcing and denying are the only ways make things to be or not be as they are. Fuck white knuckles and pretending. This is much better. I love having self-worth that has nothing to do with anyone but myself, my choices, my words, my behavior. They are not always great, but they are always better than they used to be. Emotional honesty may divide me from others but not from the right others and not from myself.
Bittersweet,
Magduh!