My sons and I ♥luuuuv us some Pink Panther. It never stops being hysterically funny. We literally roar and do that thing where we punch each other’s arms for every ridiculous thing and then we rewind and replay certain parts repeatedly. Pink Panther is
clever sneaky and selfish AF and somehow seemingly innocent and totally lovable. Our favorite episode is Blue Print. Anyway, I created this meme because it is a perfect metaphor for my attempt at a clear and direct boundary with my FOO– ME building a door (NOT a wall) out of necessity and having it removed, via my sister’s triangulation with my ex. My stipulation for spending time together was that we address serious issues, not only for ourselves, but to spare my young children from the decades worth of white knuckle tension and eggshells.
The culture in which righteously voicing sentiments of judgment, shaming, weird gifting, and awkward flattering, wth an active commitment to squashing opportunities for atoning or amending– is not what I choose to have modeled for them. In relocating to this side of the country, I knew and accepted the risk,mother was sick and having grandsons and daughter close by to help and to be present for a fight for life seemed spiritually right. So, I was either a courageous and faithful badass or a serious dumbass.
My consistent request was handled by THEM first with silence and dismissal and then by aligning with my ex at a time when I had shared how terribly strained he and I had become over his non-payment of court ordered expenses for our sons…and with that information and their own frustration over being unable to gain my compliance, they used my niece’s graduation gathering to plan a birthday dinner for my son that did not include me(but did include my ex and his sister) This was shared with me casually via phone call with my son who had been told I was invited but chose not to attend. ( I was 100% dumbass to send my ex in there with my sons (to please THEM/lessen the chance of reprisal) and without me, because I could not make it on short notice.)
When asked why they would do something as hurtful as planning and gathering like that, I was informed via group email cc-ing my nieces and ex in-laws explaining exactly how I caused them to behave with this sort of ruthlessness. #ohok Sorry, I do not accept responsibility for others’ mental health, moods, choices. That is another “thing” I would prefer my boys not learn from them. Diminishing others and then justifying. These little dudes get to learn something better. They will not grow up believing that doing unkind bullshit and then offloading shame and blame for personal choices, is the acceptable or only way to be. It is neither.
So, this is the first year that my mother didn’t even bother to send me a birthday card signed without “love”. Apparently discarding a person officially, is the most sure way to have the last word. Oh well, If that is what matters…. I have heard nothing more re: my mother’s health and suspect they will use my boys and their father to relay information intended for me, so as to proceed as if the ball is in my court. My initiatives have traditionally been met with either no response or a hostile one. So, no ball will be returned. I will be over here, in the discard pile, working to pull our lives on this coast together.
With guilt- I have requested of my boys, to please not relay information to me on the matter, unless it feels too painful for them to keep to themselves. Really…fuck these emotional barbarians for this game- for using children and denying the rage behind the continued divisive antics used to address their own sick needs. Wait, maybe they are not angry and this is just their normal way of handling things. OMG Can they just go touch and lie and pretend with each other and leave young boys out of it? Please? Spare them. Like Buddha says–if you like a flower you pick it, if you love a flower, you water it.
My Children deserve love not THIS.
My boys and I look forward to the dayS when they will no longer be used in this way. Triangulation and boundary violations are foul. What message does my FOO they think they are sending my sons? What are they telling themselves? Really?? Why cant I ignore?? The reason I cannot tune THIS out and move TF on is because of the dark and continued imposition on my sons. Damage control requires continual dialog to help them to process THIS and to teach them what they can do to cope and remain safe and mentally whole in the presence of people forcing them to be and feel as they do not. Children are like wet cement, they are imprinted by all that touches them.-Haim Ginott PSA—People become rightfully disturbed when forced to attend to and to physically embrace menacing and confusing requests. Among grown ups, this is labeled assault and harassment. I am not sure what it is called when it is not sexual but still unwanted and being demanded by elders while supported by a father desperate to please my FOO for unwholesome reasons to which I can only speculate.
On a higher note, Sweet Greg and I did enjoy our Saturday together and are grateful for this time to resolve and strengthen our relationship by acknowledging what came between us without dwelling on it. What a miracle to get to work honestly and openly together through a difficult time. This is our first real struggle in 2 years. I hope to have many more. Not because I like struggle, but because resolving and atoning are miraculous and new. Working through difficulty is for the wholesome and badass. It is too much for others. A-hem(me audibly clearing my throat) Everything I read says relationships are strengthened through conflict resolution. By not addressing or acknowledging conflict, the tension is sustained and the opportunities to strengthen are forfeited. I refuse to forfeit those moments for the illusion of a conflict-free dynamic. I feel literally sickened by the suggestion to do so.
And today, I am road tripping with the buyer of my home for a furniture shopping adventure to a boutique she swears by. I am hopeful I will be more focused on creating more of a home at our new location than I have been able to do here, for the past 2 years.
I am a lil all over the place, writing helps me to sift, to sort and sometimes to release. I will keep writing until I feel freedom from those things in need of release. I get that their dishonorable behavior is a reflection of them, yet I am still trying to convince myself that I don’t cause or deserve abuse.Much Love,
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