Acceptance, Faith, Intimacy, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, Musings, poetry, Self-Love, Trauma

Trojan Horses

So, when I visited NC 9 years ago for therapy session with mother and sister which went poorly and in which I miscarried, I, for obvious reasons, felt unable to rally for Trick or Treat neighborhood parade with my sister and her family.   I required time and space to rest and grieve the tragedy of that session, my family, and the loss of a pregnancy–while nursing and caring for my baby.

My 10 year old niece and I had been emailing and enjoying each other regularly.   I would have liked seeing her and her sister, under different circumstances. Rather than committing to the work of resolution and facing our issues directly, my sister(after my audacious refusal to parade, mid-miscarriage) sent a birthday gift addressed to my one year old son, with this typed note inside(THE “GIFT”).  Classic.   And ironic(?), considering what she is righteously doing to divide the entire family by 360 degrees. WTF?  Narcissist's Prayer

I found this (declaration of war, not an invitation to peace- the standard response to being told NO)today while purging for my upcoming move.  I will breathe deeply before burning this piece of shit and all that it represents.  It is who she is and has always been: punitive, underhanded AF.  If I were less recovered, I would tell her to go fuck herself and her trojan horse coward gifts/notes/antics with my ex.  If I were more recovered, I wouldn’t need to post this at all.  I am a work in progress.  She is a piece of work.  Jilan Catherine Ghoneim Whitney, you are an unkind person with a very dark heart.  It is not so well concealed by your white attire.  Keep triangulating with my ex husband to divide us so that you can attempt and feign closeness with my boys– AT THEIR EXPENSE.

*** cheap brand temovate 0.05 Note: the alliance of Jilan and my ex is not a leftover from when we were married.  All they knew of each other was how the other had hurt me..in very similar ways.  This unwholesome alliance – a brand new relationship was conceived at a time when he and I were struggling as divorced co-parents.  Ours was a miracle ending to our hellish divorce.  I made miracles.  What did you make?  You are unwell.  Who, in their right mind, does THIS??  Truly.  Knowing you and the idea of you, near my boys, imposing yourself on them and fawning over their father(as reported by them) is a disgrace on you, not me.  Gotta
love your laughable pretense that you do it out of love, your brand of love, yes.  You may have fooled someone, the rest remain quiet, to avoid dealing with your underhanded retaliation, 100% not worth dealing with.  You force everyone around you to pretend they don’t see or disagree with what you are doing.  I hate what you do but I fucken love my freedom to say NO to you with zero fear of your reprisal.  What a nightmare for you to have someone who is neither impressed, dependent, nor afraid of you.

Ugh, definitely one of my less wholesome and less badass posts.  I share to heal.  What a shitty reminder of what you have always been.  Stop dividing people.  Your behavior is monstrous.  Randy held me while I cried over being told I could no longer email with Annie(your declaration of war(see a pattern?) and being notified in such a hostile bullshit way.  You divided nieces from their Aunt, Randy and Mom from me and my boys from all of you.  My sons know that you decidedly cause tension between their mother and father.  What is wrong with you?  This is a question worth asking.   Additionally, you divide our sons from their father…because each time they leave you, they are lectured and shamed for not appearing more happy and being more physically affectionate.  He is sick enough to want them to impress you, because your husband makes money with a big job.  Ugh!  Quit forcing people to touch you and sit at the table with you.  Why must anyone pretend to feel and want what they do not?  Children should get to be authentic.  Love allows for authenticity–not adaptation via performance.  For this, I 100% hate you.  I hope to not feel that, because that is bad for both my sons and me.  But anyone menacing to my children’s serenity and innocence—gets the claws.  Have our mother and my ex.  You all are well suited in your desires and aptitudes for pretending and denying and for taking as you like from those whom are vulnerable, in any way–your gifted knack for finding a chink in the armor and just digging right in.  My sons, they have been raised by me to disengage from this.  So they know… they see your energy and spirit- not the things you wish to distract them with.  What they know is that–to be real and to feel how they feel when they are with you, comes at a high price.  You like big price tags….always.  They do not wish to pay or play.  They remain unimpressed.  Just let them be… What they want more than anything is to even dream of a day when mom and dad will work and sit together at a meal or for an occasion.  They know that you are the thing that guarantees this an impossibility.  You are winning your war, I guess, having your way.  #keepwinning

Whatever you tell yourself to feel ok about making trouble and pain for others, children even—I cannot imagine.  Sickening.  I am grateful for all the written expression.  It was to easy to pretend it was my imagination or fault without.  You tried to erase me while accusing me of abandoning family– and in doing so have fully shown yourself to those who will dare to look.  Nice work.

Ceremonious burning of the letters, intended to wound me. Mission Accomplished. Repeatedly.

I have been demanded  repeatedly to move on and pretend this never happened.  None of it…but it is still happening.  I will not pretend.  What you have been taught and encouraged to do is unacceptable and you do not get a pass by me.  Ever.  I do not accept your unwanted touching and violation of boundaries—it is insufferable behavior.  I do not earn, cause, deserve, or imagine the heinousness of what it has meant to be your younger sister.  This madness which began so long ago…I got the help I needed, I wish the same for  you.  I wonder if your work in home design is as well thought out as your work to destroy homes.  I doubt it–though you appear talented at both.  Home designer-home wrecker.

Born 10/23/1968 The Fall before the Rise
Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Author: Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am new to the experiences of faith and hope and courage, qualities absent for me in proximity to my family. No Contact has been the way to keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

4 Comments on “Trojan Horses

    1. Thank you MJ not only for showing up and hearing me but for offering me more language around this thing that has baffled me more than it has wrecked me. Just added cloak and dagger as a tag. I had to google it.

      TY!
      💜
      Magda Gee

  1. Wait, so claiming higher ground, your sister cut you off from her daughter until you all could be together while being unwilling to work toward that. How does a trojan horse threat even suggest that? She makes no sense…like literally insane.

    And then faced with the opportunity, she went after your ex to create a relationship with him in a way that divided the two of you? And gained her access to your children? That is not love. That is ego,psycho, sociopath madness.

    What a cunty hypocrite. Let them all have each other. Just continue talking to your boys and using these moments to strengthen their values and beliefs in loyalty. What a gift to have such stark examples of betrayal provided courtesy of her and sadly their father. Thank her for her teachings. The all white is ridic. I saw her pic. Nice touch.

    Stay strong. I am here, though I cannot always manage a comment and often if I do, the system doesn’t send it through. Just as well, probably.

    I am sad for your boys to be dragged into those confusing arrangements. The forced hugging and smiling is old school shit and appalling but not unusual behavior.

    Jess

    1. Thank you. Thank you. Just for helping me to feel more real and less erased. The mindfuckery of it all has been and continues to be a lot to process and sift through. Sometimes, I worry that by sharing the facts of what is happening, what is being observably and undeniably done to my family is real, because it goes uncontested…..I worry that I am doing a smear campaign. But I am not. If a persons own current behavior smears the reputation when revealed, that is them doing the smearing. Finding that sneaky and malicious letter was as affirming as it was nauseating. It was the exact same feeling I had the night my younger son called me from the car on his way home from his birthday dinner at his aunts home with his dad and all of my family. I recall the waling, literally as if I was watching someone I loved dyyying—over the magnitude of such a gathering and initiative. Sneaky. Malicious. Dark. Dirty. The truth of having come from and survived that for so long is a pain that defies articulation. So, I share here. If my family or my ex or my children or nieces ever read this, they will read the facts of what has been done. They were present and know it to be true and real. They have been fed who knows what sort of justification and who knows what they think of it all? My family has worked hard to shame and erase me. I will not be erased any more than I will take on the shame of their brokenness and unfortunate choices. I will not call my sister a cunt, but I do not disagree at all and am grateful you don’t mind saying it here. Technically, maybe using that word as an insult to women is considered misogynous, but based on your screen name and email, I know that you are not and that I am not. It is an angry word for evil not a body part. My comments app sucks and I am contemplating a different one but for now, I will just be grateful for each person who takes time to negotiate it and to connect with me at a time where it is the desire of my foo to make me feel unworthy, erased, insane, and responsible for their boatloads of shame and darkness. That shit is not mine. Sharing helps me to unload what they work so hard to shift onto me. My boys are crystal clear that the arrangement makes them feel icky. They are grateful for each weekend they can return to me to report no gatherings with THEM.

      Thank you for being here. I hear it said that the way our parents talk to us becomes our own voice to ourselves. Dialog with others who hear and acknowledge me helps me to connect with a kinder truer voice in which to speak to myself, my children and others. Healing is a process. For sure.
      #odaat
      Love,
      Magda

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *