So This

Rather than entering into a difficult conversation, some people will try to silence you when they feel threatened by having to look at something that shakes their sense of power or pride.  I am not sure what this tactic is called but it is very familiar and it is this from which I walked away.  “Oh, you are saying things I don’t want said, well I will come after you personally with a machete to make sure you don’t do that again. I will assassinate your character.”  I suspect this tactic is implemented to establish fear in those who might consider dissent and to create a lack of credibility for the person bold enough to challenge.  Apparently this is common in narcissists.  As I said, I am not vested to diagnose, but I am able to read about the behaviors and see and share the likeness of this disordered thinking and the behaviors of people with whom I share blood and last names.

I will phuckyoshitup.

There is an outward claim to wanting peace, cloaking the unspoken threat that reverence is required or else.  To me, peace is not just the absence of overt war.  Peace is kindness and calmness and it does take two or how ever many are participating.  Peace is achieved in unity not demanded.

 

Below are some links to resources which have been helpful to me in this painful journey of awareness, acceptance, recovery, and healing.

http://narcissist-sociopath-awareness.com/the-in-between/

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Truth to Bullshit

Highly relevant and illuminating passage from Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown and brilliant supporting meme made with ♥ by yours truly :

THE PROLIFERATION OF BULLSHIT

Someone who lies and someone who tells the truth are playing on opposite sides, so to speak, in the same game. Each responds to the facts as he understands them, although the response of the one is guided by the authority of the truth, while the response of the other defies that authority and refuses to meet its demands.

The bullshitter ignores these demands altogether. He does not reject the authority of the truth, as the liar does, and oppose himself to it. He pays no attention to it at all. By virtue of this, bullshit is a greater enemy of the truth than lies are.

Harry G. Frankfurt, Professor Emeritus, Yale University
(From his book, On Bullshit)

One of the biggest sources of bullshit today is the proliferation of “If you’re this then you’re automatically that” and “You’re either with us or you’re against us” politics. These are emotional lines that we hear invoked by everyone from elected officials and lobbyists to movie heroes and villains on a regular basis. They’re effective political moves; however, 95 percent of the time it’s an emotional and passionate rendering of bullshit.

Normally, we used forced choice and false dichotomies during times of significant emotional stress. Our intentions may not be to manipulate, but to force the point that we’re in a situation where neutrality is dangerous. I actually agree with this point. One of my live-by quotes is from Elie Wiesel. “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

The problem is that these emotional pleas are often not based in facts, and they prey on our fears of not belonging or being seen as wrong or part of the problem. We need to question how the sides are defined. Are these really the only options? Is this the accurate framing for this debate or is this bullshit?

If alternatives exist outside of these forced choices (and they almost always do), then the statements are factually wrong. It’s turning an emotion-driven approach into weaponized belonging. And it always benefits the person throwing down the gauntlet and brandishing those forced, false choices.

The ability to think past either/or situations is the foundation of critical thinking, but still, it requires courage. Getting curious and asking questions happens outside our ideological bunkers. It feels easier and safer to pick a side. The argument is set up in a way that there’s only one real option. If we stay quiet we’re automatically demonized as “the other.”

The only true option is to refuse to accept the terms of the argument by challenging the framing of the debate. But make no mistake; this is opting for the wilderness. Why? Because the argument is set up to silence dissent and draw lines in the sand that squelch debate, discussion, and questions—the very processes that we know lead to effective problem solving.

Our silence, however, comes at a very high individual and collective cost. Individually, we pay with our integrity. Collectively, we pay with divisiveness, and even worse, we bypass effective problem solving. Answers that have the force of emotion behind them but are not based in fact rarely provide strategic and effective solutions to nuanced problems.

We normally don’t set up false dilemmas because we’re intentionally bullshitting; we often rely on this device when we’re working from a place of fear, acute emotion, and lack of knowledge. Unfortunately, fear, acute emotion, and lack of knowledge also provide the perfect set-up for uncivil behavior. This is why the bullshit/incivility cycle can become endless.

It’s also easier to stay civil when we’re combating lying than it is when we’re speaking truth to bullshit. When we’re bullshitting, we aren’t interested in the truth as a shared starting point. This makes arguing slippery, and it makes us more susceptible to mirroring the BS behavior, which is: The truth doesn’t matter, what I think matters.

It’s helpful to keep in mind Alberto Brandolini’s Bullshit Asymmetry Principle or what’s sometimes known as Brandolini’s law: “The amount of energy needed to refute bullshit is an order of magnitude bigger than to produce it.”

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Narcissist Be Like

My sons and I ♥luuuuv us some Pink Panther.  It never stops being hysterically funny.  We literally roar and do that thing where we punch each other’s arms for every ridiculous thing and then we rewind and replay certain parts repeatedly. Pink Panther is clever sneaky and selfish AF and somehow seemingly innocent and totally lovable. Our favorite episode is Blue Print.  Anyway, I created this meme because it is a perfect metaphor for my attempt at a clear and direct boundary with my FOO– ME building a door (NOT a wall) out of necessity and having it removed, via my sister’s triangulation with my ex. My stipulation for spending time together was that we address serious issues, not only for ourselves, but to spare my young children from the decades worth of white knuckle tension and eggshells.

The culture in which righteously voicing sentiments of judgment, shaming, weird gifting, and awkward flattering, wth an active commitment to squashing opportunities for atoning or amending– is not what I choose to have modeled for them.  In relocating to this side of the country, I knew and accepted the risk,mother was sick and having grandsons and daughter close by to help and to be present for a fight for life seemed spiritually right.  So, I was either a courageous and faithful badass or a serious dumbass.   Continue reading “Narcissist Be Like”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

The Loss of an Estranged Parent

Shit shit shit…I just got third party information that my mother has been taken to the hospital.  My mother has made her decision and choices clear.  So, I suppose I will wait and see what her family sees fit to share with or ask of me.  I never did get the playbook on how to manage this sort of thing.  But I did find these brilliant words of wisdom and comfort over at ScaryMommy:  “But there is only so much abuse a person can take before they say “enough.” For me, the birth of my son was also the birth of my backbone. It was the birth of me saying “enough is enough.” Once I became firm in my decision, I started hearing people say, “But what if something happens to her, how will you feel?”

That is the million-dollar question when you end a relationship in anger. What happens if they die? Can you live with yourself? My answer to that question is yes. Yes, you can.

As you can imagine, I have been dealing with a lot of emotions in relation to her death. When a parent dies, it is earth-shattering. Just completely devastating. You are forever changed. Yet, the truth is, I mourned my mother many years ago. After years of therapy and being open about this with my friends (and non-friends who ask), I can tell you that I felt, and still feel, a million emotions in regards to the death of my mother.

Not a single one is regret.

I chose to end an abusive, toxic relationship. I chose to allow people who loved and supported me to be in my life, and those who hurt me and betrayed me, those who took advantage of me and used me as a punching bag to be let out of my life. It was liberating.

But it is also devastating. I am so sad that I didn’t talk to my mom on the phone the night before she died. I am heartbroken that she never knew my amazing boys. At 1 and 5 years old, they are the most amazing creatures I have ever been privileged to know. Mourning the absence of the mother I needed, the one I knew she wished she could have been, and the one I lost has been the hardest and most emotionally taxing thing I have ever done.

As I sit here and think about the fact that my mother and I will never reconcile, I’m okay. She was never the mother I needed. She couldn’t be. But maybe she is also finally free. Free from the demons she faced in this world. Wherever she is, I hope she is no longer hurting. Having my children has been so healing because I truly understand a mother’s love. I never knew it growing up, but loving my boys as fiercely and intensely as I do? That has been more healing than I could have ever imagined.

It is so hard to be hurt by someone who should love you. But we cannot stand idly by and allow these relationships to continue. We have to set boundaries and end contact if needed. Because sometimes the only person you can save is you. So save yourself. You are worth it.

And who knows, maybe it is just a broken arm?  Either way, the collective need for my inclusion with this bunch was outlined clearly and repeatedly.  There really is nothing I can do but wait. And pray.

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

About Forcing Kids to Hug and Kiss – STOP

With the consistent soul rapey antics directed at my sons by my mother and sister, the issue of rights to our bodies, feelings, and voices has been gnawing on my bones. I realize that binding the feet of baby girls in China and female circumcision in African countries are more severe examples of dominance and diminishing of entire populations than the forced demonstrations of affection by children common to this day and age in our Western culture. But how different are the messages? True, there is no blood or visible immediate damage…but it is damaging AF to force children into touching and being touched for the pleasure of another, especially someone older and in a position of authority or respect; clergy, babysitter, uncle, god-father, Santa, Aunt, grandma, sister.   “You cannot expect a child to acquiesce when you want them to, and then magically grow up to ‘know their own mind.’ Knowing their own mind starts with allowing them to speak it.” Nobody but nobody should confidently and comfortably impose themselves on others in this way.  Check out this article that outlines reasons for contemplating a different approach and view of teaching “politeness and respect” to our children.  Politeness and respect have nothing to do with submitting physically to someone else’s physical desire for closeness.

These were/are collective and cultural norms, AND, I still cannot abide.  Call me subversive. I object to dehumanizing and diminishing behaviors while they target girls and women they are enforced by other girls and women. As a mother (of sons) I am feeling strongly pulled into a light many are not yet ready for. “Children are not things to be molded, but people to be unfolded”-Jess Lair. They are not property but responsibilities. They have been entrusted to us and count on us to help them unfold into whom they are meant to be. We learn what we live. And I am unlearning and reparenting myself right along side my children. We all matter– nobody matters more or less. Our voices and our bodies belong to us. We get a say. We must model and teach this to our children-to break this cycle and curtail the rape culture. We get to be the change we want to see in the world. One person and one voice and one boundary at a time. Teach love. Teach No.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/