As I contemplate, what specifically, I find so daunting, besides the obvious betrayal, about my sister and mother using my ex-husband to circumvent our issues: I realize that their lack of regard for creating an environment that promotes connection and a sense of safety and protection is IT. Por ejemplo (the urge to speak Spanish struck suddenly and briefly), if you are one who alienates or disrespects others, any others, I don’t want you near my children doing what you do and labelling it love. Desire is not love. Control is not love. They desire my children. Benevolent people strive to be loving and kind as a way of life, even to those who displease them.
Our new administration, my family, as well as my ex’s choose the opposite of the values (inclusion and protection for all) which matter most to me. And in each instance, my vote has not mattered. Thus–Divorce and No Contact. These are not my people. My people prefer and seek unity and collective healing over authority. With the genetic links, the rule is: “Go along to get along”. Adaptation over authenticity, the price for subversion is high. You are safe and “welcome” so long as you perform. Now hug and make nice, even with those who devalue you or those you care deeply for. Um kaaaay?
To keep my boys innocent a bit longer would be nice. The legacy soulraping is difficult to ignore and to “get over”. I will do anything to BREAK THE CYCLE. My attempts to counter-balance the impact on my sons are conversations about and examples of inclusion, connection, standing up for ourselves and others, not being a bystander, and living our truth — walking TF away when people show disregard. Unapologetically and without explanation. Although I did try, ad nauseum, to splain how much I wanted to work out a better way.
Find your tribe, they will include and protect you, -unconditionally♥. Wholesome Love connects and makes you feel close and safe, no matter what. If that is not what you are feeling, it is probably something less wholesome. The yucky kind of love will give you a stomach ache AND you will know in your gut “this is not right”. Unconditional love is neither earned nor forfeited and will never make you doubt your lovability or worthiness. Go where the love is, precious boys, except when you are taken where it is not, then just stay strong and know what you know and feel what you feel. We will continue learning to do the next right thing together. Together, we are connected and protected (from non-love, not just “bad guys with weapons”).
PS- Bad guys don’t always wear black, in fact they may wear all white and hide behind smiles, gifts, and awkward laughter. “Bad guys” knowingly scheme to have their way and to harm to another(as needed (OHok))….and then justify it or deny it. Beware. Bad guys are always right and cannot self reflect and correct themselves—because there is nothing to correct, right?
My ex and I both come from families where one person has been alienated. He no longer speaks with his closest and favorite sister as that is the consensus choice. My sister and I were also raised to fend for ourselves and not for each other. Being right and avoiding being on the outside, by keeping someone else out is a belief they share, a fear about scarcity of love. There is always enough love. It is my wish that you learn a better way than we did and that you never end up pitted against each other for the sake of dominance or survival or fitting in. You belong to each other, just as your father and I should have belonged to and with our sisters. But we did not have anyone to show us what that looked like, how to do that, how to manage differences and heal and build trust— so now we have this. It is not ok. Untreated mental illness and addiction will be topics we will address more directly as you get older as you are not only surrounded by it on all sides of your family, you are being groomed to find unhealthy coping skills to soothe an ache that you are too young to articulate, that shitty feeling you will have inside that tells you things are not ok, while “others” will insist that things are fine. Trust your guts. Listen only to those who consistently demonstrate fierce loyalty and truth, especially when it is most difficult. Love does not divide people, it brings them together in peace and without force or facade. Wholesome love does not require pretending or contraction to feel safe. Wholesome love counts on courage not power. Wholesome honest unconditional love is badass—and too much for those who prefer control.Much Love,
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