BIRTHDAY MIRACLES

In spite of the tension that defines our relationship, my ex and I co-hosted a beautiful day and evening for our older son’s birthday.  MIRACLES: Our precious TRUSTED OTHERS were available and PRESENT for this day.  In addition to Will’s sweet friends and their families, my best friend of 40 years, who knows everything of me (my FOO, marriage, divorce, and the triangulation of my ex with my sister) showed up to 100% support.  I let him know before hand that she was here for US, our family, not Team Magda.  Her warm, friendly support is wholesome and badass magic.  It is painful to reflect how people in our(his and my own) families behave as if- love is demonstrated by hating your enemies with you or demonstrating and gossiping overt displeasure and coldness for people who fail to submit and revere.  But, see, my friends and trusted others have a God and souls and strive to serve and elevate others, rather than themselves.  I am crying, overwhelmed by what Mary Ann does for us– nearly certain I would struggle mightily to do for another, what she does, with what seems pure grace and ease.  I was raised differently and I am reparenting myself and unlearning as fast as I am able, in my program of recovery– learning to be open to wholesome love and to offer it and be grateful for it and to put space between anything that looks or feels like NON-LOVE….unwholesomeness. Continue reading “BIRTHDAY MIRACLES”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

What You Believe In, Becomes Your Reality, Your Life

Last night I was awakened by overly vivid and engaging dreams with my female progenitor and her other offspring;  at my mother’s funeral.  And my mother was both alive and dead, like physically attending the ceremony as one of her own mourners.  She stood by my sister who approached to hug me, crying, still dressed in all white, with utter sincerity and said  “I didn’t want you to keep on thinking that you hate me”.  I do not hate my sister (today).  I do hate righteous hyprocisy, underhandedness, being bullied and shamed, having my children exploited and unnecessarily submerged in conflict and confusion.  I don’t “think I hate that”.  I know I #hatethatshit 100%. Continue reading “What You Believe In, Becomes Your Reality, Your Life”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

It’s That Time of Year

If you don’t like Christmas, thats okay. You are not alone, or a bad person. People who make you feel like a bad person are bad people.

Shit. Shit. Shit. It is that time of year in which I relive the feelings of fear and anxiety that for me, have defined special and family occasions. It was beyond painful not getting to believe in God or Santa or the Easter bunny, not having fun or meaningful traditions with my mother and family.  An utterly faithless existence, really nothing to count on but shame and guilt for being too tense, too skinny, too hungry, too needy, too clumsy, too brown, and angry about being unable to change or deny it all. And then— to still be all those shitty ways on special days in which you are supposed to be and feel all precious and secure and amazing, well that was just a fucken crusher too. So, there is that haunting trauma that I face each year from October through January…that deep longing and awful knowing that if I had been good enough or worthy, my birthdays and holidays might have been different…like the ones that people who are loved and lovable have.  right?  But guess what recovery teaches me.  My mother’s inability to love me is a reflection of her and of course it affected me mentally and emotionally and shaped how I would be in the world—I will grieve that, but no longer take responsibility for it.   As I have said, one of my more pronounced failures was that I was not a gracious and mellow abuse getter.  My natural reaction was to become an infernal hurricane — a firestorm. Continue reading “It’s That Time of Year”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/