Food and Truth-In Abundance

The night seemed long. Wilbur’s stomach was empty and his mind was full. And when your stomach is empty and your mind is full, it’s always hard to sleep.

FOOD & TRUTH–Two things I was starved and desperate for, much of my life. Naturally, I developed food and trust issues which manifested in some pretty destructive ways.   Living in a perpetual state of fear, uncertainty, and hunger will drive some very desperate thinking. Being frightened and hungry also made it difficult to fully get adequate rest. Like Winnie the Pooh says  “going to bed with a full head and an empty stomach” is rough.  So then, throw sleep deprivation in the mix within a home, pulsing with unspeakable rage and shame—what a mess.  My inability to manage was viewed as the problem rather than the symptom– typical in these arrangements.  I was the canary, scapegoat, black sheep.  (I will add here, that truth can be subjective.  However, TRUST is what I offer my boys  truth and trust- stability.)  My experience, coming up in the world doubting myself and all others, especially those I counted on.  That was a difficult row to hoe.  The way we live and love, in our home, is rooted in immense trust in each other and faith in goodness.  This way of living, loving, and parenting is one of the many miracles of recovery. Continue reading “Food and Truth-In Abundance”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

We Can Do Hard Things

In just over a week, I embark on a new career opportunity, which I feel reluctant to share about. My boss, and dear friend of 24 years, says that she is happy for me– but the approaching transition has caused growing tension between us. Also, I do Continue reading “We Can Do Hard Things”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

One Goal 100% of the Time

To remain committed to my spiritual striving is my only Goal.  The singular challenge greater than the massive unlearning– is accepting the fact that my wellness and wholeness permanently divide me from those whom rely on me to be broken, confused, ashamed–with desires to contract/conform and to please greater thinly need to expand.  Continue reading “One Goal 100% of the Time”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Am I an Asshole-I Don’t Think So(anymore)

I hesitate to share when things are going well because if I recap more than a single minute, I easily get spun up in the axle –the entire history of it all, IT: being the “dynamic” of my (FOO)family of origin. I was, for a stretch, enjoying the perks of total estrangement from my FOO and all affiliated, with the exception of my ex and our children, when my mother’s sister emailed Wednesday with an invite for breakfast this weekend.   Both anxiety and grief were my immediate gut reactions. It is too a complex a relationship for each of us, full disclosure and authenticity are not well tolerated and our connection is not blessed by the others, which creates hardship for her.   I believe she and I are similar in unmentionable ways (sensitive and vocal about being sensitive which troublesome to those who are not(the rest of them)) and it is just too elephant in the roomish and eggshelly for me. I am no good at that and forcing it feels more difficult than wise. Continue reading “Am I an Asshole-I Don’t Think So(anymore)”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Breakups

I intended to post about my holiday time with my sons and Sweet Greg, but this IG post led me down this well-beaten path.  I guess I am still deep into proving to myself that my choice to respect and preserve my serenity is sane and prudent.  And off I go, when will I finish proving?  I guess I will know when I know and I will be done when I am done–def the result of having been erased one too many times.

My sister’s hosting a gathering of my MOTHER, my ex, his sister, and my children made some shit pretty clear. But only to me, apparently. Before recovery, I would’ve thought this sort of thing illuminated my unworthiness. With recovery, I know better. Best part, I am accused of being the one who opted out of the family. I only opted out of continued betrayal, shaming and generally being spoken of and treated poorly.  Oh and name calling. Kthanksbye.   The continued gatherings without me which widened the gaps, confirm my suspicion that I am not, in their opinions, worthy of better treatment.  For me it confirmed that kind people do kind shit and others do other shit.  Their behavior makes their statement loud and clear.   My boundary around proximity to hurtful people also makes a statement-which I feel good about.  Hate the options, but it is what it is.  Fortunately, I am again managing to co-parent  with my ex for the sake of our children.  My relationship with him is not a choice but a fact.  I mean it is a choice, for my children, I choose to accept his bullshit and his genuine inability to form wholesome connections that benefit our children.  The triangulation with my sister makes my sons feel more divided than connected, but their father cannot concern himself with that.  And even if he can, fukkit, I must and will do right by our young sons.  One of us must model doing hard things.  We can do hard things.  Working shit out, being transparent, being direct and kind are things that must be modeled for them, as well as tolerating hurtful behavior only when required.  Doing hard things is wholesome and badass.  Doing shitty things is ……….for shitty thing doers.  Right?  

Me:  Please let’s work things out.

Her:  What things?

Me:  Lists things.

Her:  Why must you rehash and cause drama—invites my ex and his family to gather in her home.

Note:  My sister and my ex–Not based on historical relationship—this relationship built at my expense, originating post divorce.  This is vile? Right, in which communities and societies do people do this?  Oh, wait.  Think I know.  The family disease–the gift that keeps on giving.  The legacy of intergenerational abuse and mental health issues.   Who would not feel crazed and broken by this.  Oh again,  I know—bad abuse getters-totally owning it.  I suck as an abuse getter, though decades of practice should make that less true.  Fail!  

I am a work in progress, unlearning some very bad shit, as a descendant from long lines of other type–No direct communication. Ever. Just gossip,retaliation, and/or ghosting over displeasure. Elevating only those already lifted who might be useful to know.
Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Shannon Thomas- Healing From Hidden Abuse

Beware. It is not you. It is them.

I have many miracles to share from our Christmas and New Year’s.  But for today, I am sharing information which I find immensely comforting, because even in times of joy and peace, I am haunted, at a cellular level,
by what I continue to experienced with my mother and sister.  Recovery is a process-as much to unlearn as to learn.  Sharing is a large part of my process and a great filter, as it weeds out those who are unsupportive: not an asset to my recovery.  The Work of recovering from anything, is honestly the most badass thing a person can do.  It is not for everyone.

#Nocontact is a painful and necessary decision for some of us to survive and live live that are more productive than terrifying.
Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/