DGAF–I Totally Give

This reminded me of Christmas Dinner 3 years ago while angsting over my contribution of a salad for the evening meal; worried that the dressing was not turning out. My niece said to me, in a genuinely curious and unthreatening way; “Since when do you care what people think?” This confirmed my sense of my sister’s front-loading her daughters with her story of who I am. So… it was a fair question. I laughed and said nothing because my response would have been too lecture like. What I wanted to say:   “Annie, I obviously would like if everyone appreciated what I do and choose, and NOT allowing other people’s opinions to direct me, is in no way the same as not caring. I have a Higher Power to guide me–and it is not other humans’ opinions or ideas. Not needing to impress others is not the same as not caring. And, I love you and no matter what is said to you, I know you will always know this.” My sister insured the end of connection with her daughters and used who knows what to justify it. But she tells herself and the FOO, it is all for the family—which I am welcome to join at any time.

Hustle Align meme also left me needing to reflect and understand my position on social climbing and spiritual striving. Very different paths and directions. Different Choices.  The need to “appear” agreeable is not something I value, even a little. Some people think I #dgaf but I do. I give lots of fucks about seeking serenity, improving myself, raising children with healthy senses of connection and #belonging I give fucks about my performance at work, not because I need to impress, but because doing better today than yesterday feels amazing. What others think is never my reason for doing or not doing a thing.

I differ from my family because I do not engage in weird flattering comments or offering gifts publicly to make a statement. I don’t so much reject that way of being as I just don’t choose it. I express genuine gratitude, appreciation, and admiration freely and easily. I buy gifts when I see items which a person has shared that they would like–and I give them just because, And then sometimes have nothing material to present on the day of the calendar in which a gift is expected. Maybe even, I am not able to physically attend the event.  But those are not a statements of my love or lack of. Love is 24/7.  Also, I suck at wrapping gifts but I am a terrific gifter all of the days of the year to people whom I feel a gifted connection. So, while the GIFT may be wrapped poorly or not at all and not presented  on the specified day of the year, you will love that shit and remember how much I notice and appreciate you each time you use or see your “gift” from me.

Gifts aimed at impressing or mending feel icky to me.  In my life today, gifts are things we do or get for each other that say:  “I see you.  I hear you.  I know you.  I love you.  As you wish.”  Anything else is a gesture and a statement for sure–but not necessarily a gift.

We all choose how,why, what, and when we give.  Some forms of “giving” are more wholesome and generous than others.  Giving people what they need is badass love.  Giving them what you want them to have is more assy than badass.  Just saaayin, IMHO.

I give great gifts and lots of fucks for reasons and occasions that feel true to me.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

I am sorry that…

You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing other people’s unfortunate behaviors, because I made them act badly, and then apologizing for (reacting)handling myself poorly. Fuck that. I am not sorry for not knowing how to be a better abuse getter. I am sorry only that it took me until age 40 to recognize what is and is not abusive, what is and is not loving and what is and is not my responsibility. I am sorry for the wreckage of not knowing what I did not know about healthy connections and behaviors. I am beyond grateful to get to #breakthecycle Equally grateful that my sister OPENLY and repeatedly said and did the most undeniably hateful and divisive things to me(MY family) —-so that it could finally be illuminated what life as her younger sister has been like. She cooked her own goose and recovery taught me to step back and watch…to keep safe and not own what is not mine and to refuse to deny what is. I finally know what to do when people are abusive. And I know that fighting fire with fire just makes more fire. #NOCONTACT hurts much less than the constant burn of that dynamic. My sister would figuratively set me on fire ?while my mother would nod approvingly and enjoy the warmth.

PS–anytime a person fauxpologizes to you with a statement beginning like this:  “I am sorry that you feel….”  Walk TF away.

Genuine apologies and amends are the most wholesome, humble, badass things a person can do.    It is too much for some, though.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Thank You for Teaching Me

And so I rise from godless, shame-filled decades of anger and despair as I learn and recover from the traumatic effects of the covert abuse dynamics. I am developing faith in my potential to thrive—not just to survive what it means to live within my own skin and mind.

The cunning and psychopathic game of golden child v. scapegoat is devastating, mostly to the scape goat, though the the designated Golden One will insist they are the victim, because on the surface, it can appear that way.  The abuse is subtle and calculated, but the reactions tend to be overt and hysterical for apparently no reason.  Golden (favored) One comes to believe in their own impeccability because by comparison, they are clearly the good one in this zero-sum game.  Seriously, it as if her goodness existed only in the presence of my “badness”. One winner, one loser.

Reporting recent and finally observable actions and written words— (Golden One got sloppy, imposing visibly harmful and hostile initiatives when I refused to engage as I had historically.  She had nothing to work with but her own rage)—I detail the behaviors to support “precious others”–to share with them what they cannot yet see or say for themselves. Sharing allows for the shedding of shame and myths of unworthiness.  Being treated poorly and handling it even more poorly SUCK.  I was never a good abuse getter( I was good at earning it apparently, but not responding to it in ways that were not diminishing to myself and others). I own that!  Total Fail.

Recovery offers me choices (boundaries) I could not have recognized as a child and then a disturbed young adult.  It was news to me to learn that– I am not required to show up for what feels abusive…and when threatened, I am allowed to detach and disengage. There is the claim that my declining of invitations to pretend abusive things are not said and done—equals me abandoning them, while at the same time they smugly need to believe they discarded me and pride themselves on their generous and benevolent declaration that “She is welcome to join anytime”  Yeh, no.  Not available for that anymore.

Learning and changing are uncomfortable.  Remaining in a non-wholesome-love- arrangement makes me feel unstable, unable to cope and thrive.  Why would I choose that?

I am proud of the woman I am becoming and what they taught me. I am a #workinprogress not a #historicalrevisionist as they like to say. I was there. I know my experience.  Anyone compelled to debate or judge that gets all the space they need to do so.  Join me for healing or we part ways.  Either way, thank you for teaching me.  I rise.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/