Artificial Indifference

Artificial Indifference—Finally, a word to name the thing which was sought, feigned, and revered, in my family and then an equally fucked up marriage. I observe with sadness, my younger son working to develop this vibe. We call it “Bro Bro” or “Chad” when ever he assumes the “whatever” tone of voice, blank face, and energy– in times when a situation is deeply affecting him or someone else. He refuses/resists acknowledgement or respect for any sort of struggle or discomfort, his or anybody’s.

What the fuck? Poor guy. His father’s bullshit unwillingness to share the most basic logistical information with me regarding our sons, keeps my little guy feeling in the middle. My son is hostage to this highly conflicted postion of needing to share the information his father withholds. He works hard to appear calm, unaffected, and unbiased. He fully knows the price for doing otherwise and seems naturally wired to pull it off. My other son gets completely torn up over this call to disassociate.

What my sister and my boys’ father and our genetically linked peoples, knowingly perpetuate through THIS— is soul killing to children. It is traumatic. Why the constant required hustle to appear indifferent to the natural discomfort from the hurtful things which others think, say, do?

My sons return home today from an 11 day visit with an aunt who openly diminishes me in front of them(because I had the audacity to say no to her, calmly and with finality)…..all in support of their dad(her brother whom she accepts conditionally and whose love she can easily buy). I have an idea: What about being in support of young and developing boys, nephews you would probably insist you would do anything for???? My sons fly home a day later than I was told they would and with no flight or return information offered. Lesson learned. I will not agree to another trip in which they are required to abandon me or themselves completely, in order to enjoy the benefits of inclusion and protection.

I am angry. Recovery does not require that I not feel anger, only that I not allow the feeeeeeling to control me, my words, my actions. I am recovered enough to not comment directly to the boys’ father about these damaging choices and patterns. I accept that THIS is truly the best he can do. I don’t accept it, like feel good about it—so much as I accept the fact of its reality.

I am proud as hell that I can feel this disturbed, rightly so, and still say nothing to compromise my sense of self and wellness. People benefitted from and relied for too long on the distraction of my reactive behaviors.

Motherfukker not only breaks our boys’ hearts and decent parenting codes– but also the law. He is legally required to provide this information. Until he can do that, this will be the last to which I will consent. THIS is not a retaliation by me, just preservation and parenting. I really did marry my snakey sister. I genuinely appreciate actual reptilian snakes doing their snake like things. But the sneaky, crafty, underhanded, hiding in the shadows and slithering tactics. I just cannot.

Recently, I heard someone use the term “my ex”. I realized that I would literally never refer to the emotional, moral, and spiritual clone of my sibling, whom I married, as “MY ex”. He is not MY anything. He is my reminder and my final lesson, I suppose. I refer to him exclusively as the father of my children. And because he probably finds it a more favorable look to have a failed marriage, for which he may blame me, than just plain single AF, I feel certain he proudly employs the term “my ex” in regards to me. Also, I have now met, not one but TWO women who have gone on dates with him and reported that he wasted their first (and only) dates talking about me. Ew. I do beleive that with his steady commitment to his promise to never change, that our boys would be better with one of us gone. This makes me pretty sad. Too much has been asked of them and snatched from them. With a depressed (yes,still) mother who is openly and frequently experiencing pain and a father who insists that you speak a pain/probem into existence by mentioning it or making any attempt to resolve it. Foooock. In denying traumas of the past, the traumas are perpetuated.

On a side-ish and spiteful note, I constantly remind myself of the following in an effort to curb my expectations:

-how the only real “love” relationship the boys’ father had before me(as indicated by him) was with his best friend Roger’s wife, and he blamed her for using him and destroying that friendship. He actually felt victimized by the fallout of the choice to do what he did with her. Apparently Roger has now (30 years later) happily remarried and recovered and generously forgiven him. My boys’ father felt it equally suitable to align with my sister at our children’s expense and to maintain that situationship for exactly as long as she was willing. And… he reached out to his sister’s(the sister he used and discarded repeatedly) ex husband, whom he barely knew when they were married (very hostile and traumatic divorce, so they each probably enjoyed the shared agitation over her reaction to not loving the bullshit) to bond and befriend. And his other sister took up with her ex husband’s best friend as soon as her divorce was final. So, this is what I am trying to work with, along with my own wounds and demons.

This is ridiculous….like I am gossiping and shit talking to myself. My behavior is not always so good. Still. Maybe I will do better tomorrow.