In my family of origin and then later my mirror image marriage, assertive direct voicing of my own need, preference, or boundary was met with either dismissal, (like as if it did not even get said) passive aggressive blow off or direct aggression, all of which were deemed (within those systems) fair and appropriate. Only my reactions to that were considered problematic. Catherine G Whitney
With Sweet Greg, I do not worry that he will dismiss, invalidate, judge, persecute or abandon me. And still, I don’t fully surrender the idea that maaaaaybe we are wrong for each other because of our differing political stances on human rights and our unshared outrage over gun and reproductive rights. We do believe in: sacrificing and compromising for each other, rigorous honesty, owning, learning, and growing from missteps and misunderstandings. BUT—Is that enough? It should be more than enough.
We have, in nearly 7 years(longer, I think, than my marital entanglement), not considered doing harm or alienating the other. Even in anger, the urge to do or say a thing to injure, does not occur for us. Behaving as an enemy is not something we would contemplate, do, or tolerate. I am certain we could break up without feeling or behaving as nemeses. I think that is love. Right? Wanting only the best for a person even when you cannot get along. Laughing, I have asked him, on more than one occasion “Why couldn’t you be the person I got to divorce?” No energy given to attemtps to dominate, win, advance, gain, defeat…..just parting from a relationship which was not working. He and I, from the get go, unapologetically declared that marriage was of no interest- while each of our exes were eager to get another marriage.
4th of July is little more for me, than tolerating the fireworks which stress the dogs and linger for weeks before and after our actual day of indepence. Because today is a “special day” I am triggered and have decided to rehash the ways in which my sister established herself as my first and most dedicated enemy(intermittently also posing as a rescuer of me—v confusing –exclsuively adopting roles as persecutor or savior) and then how I married someone who felt equally entitled and motivated to reduce me, when I was uncooperative, unimpressed, displeased or displeasing. And the two of them, unsurprisingly pursued a connection, after our devastating and lengthy divorce. I want badly to wish the best for for the father of my children– but that would be some next level shit.
I genuinely do not want the best for people who righteously seek to oppress, harm and extract.
Maybe I can want the best for him — once he starts freely and honestly providing basic and accurate information to me, regarding the medical, academic, and logistical matters of our children. Like just a decent co-parent…
Freedom and independence, that is what I crave— to extricate and heal myself from crippling and paralyzing bitterness. Ugh. So much work to do.
My boys and I noted, recently, how the harmful association of their dad with my female sibling, is exclusively serving and soothing only to him and my sister. Literally Everyone (with a capital E) else lost—most of all—our children! His abiding antics make it impossible to not wish the very worst for him: whatever it might take to stop or humble him. His allegiance remains in doing only as he always has, at all costs. Prioritzing himself, his desire to be or appear in charge, above what is life-giving and good for our sons.
My persisting unmanageable reactions to this, in front of our sons is shameful and heart breaking. My face, my tone, my over the top expression of despair is beyond unwholesome and damaging. I will not stop working on that—the containment and restraint of reaction to inflicted pain. I cannot choose how I experience pain so I must learn to manage it. For as long as I am reacting to today’s bullshit with 53 years of unhealed trauma, I am not free. There is no freedom in that… And also—the gun and repro legistlation are triggering af. The hypocrisy, the righteousness, the oppression, the violence against living, already born humans is too much for me, maybe because of all my unhealed shit. Also, Fuck Greg Abbott!Much Love,
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