Still enjoying the magic of every other week in the mountains with my new friend, and as we become more familiar and relaxed with each other, we are being slowly re-emersed back into reality where we, as humans, remain flawed, frustrating, annoying…. Yet another struggle for me – each time I have a non-paradise type feeling or even sense that he might, I panic. Because my formative and marital expereince proved consistently, that if one causes, honestly expresses or conveys non-pleasedness or uneasiness, on the heels of that would be- unspeakable and interminable tension which, for me, never stopped registering as cause for fear, pain, confusion.
Fortunately, New Friend does not object in the least, to me being human and healing and honest about uncomfortable thinking and feelings. Our time together is good, emotionally rich and safe, fun, sexy, uncomplicated (except for the parts where I make it complicated). I feel loved, nourished, nurtured, beyond welcome, close, connected, insulated and protected.
However, I am still me and my wounded/unhealed self begs regularly to threaten my own peace and serenity. I am easily triggered and well practiced in old reactive and unwell behaviors. For example, he does two things, which bug the shit out of me and— both are innocent…but I super dislike them–and am keenly aware of my shitty hair trigger reaction to them. I resist expressing them outright in a corrective and judgy type of way, but the trauma response is there gnawing on my bones. Why must healing and unlearning be a lifelong commitment and process, rather than a singular event? Why?!?!
In recovery, my third step (for the 97th time) helps me to practice acceptance for the things I cannot (and should not attempt to control or) change. Old programming and trauma informed me that– when one is disturbed or displeased by a thing-then – it must be a probelm to be worked on- corrected, or denied entirely. But that is damaging and dysfunctional thinking. Some things are simply unpleasant facts, made for acceptance. Like how about I let him be who and how he is without telling him about himself and also without internally losing my shit and becoming cold and withdrawn, as aresult of my own inability to regulate? I find it to be childish and harmful to attempt to make a person be different(or gone) so as to avoid having to manage challenging feelings and reactions to
differing non-preferred behaviors.
I am a work in progress and grateful for this time with my new journeyman. He may not know it- but I see it- he too, is healing, without realizing or even meaning to. He
really dislikes is not big on discussing or reflecting on harder less pretty parts of the past. For me, reflection and discussion are essential to my healing and growing into the person I was always meant to be…so that I may become bettter at recogninzing, recieving and offering whoelsome loving.
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