Acceptance, Faith, Musings, Self-Love

Being Human Means Making Mistakes

Even at age 40, pre-recovery, I had not learned/internalized any absolute morals, by which I could hold myself accountable. I thought I did, but honestly, I was stunted, terribly immature in this way— self-propelled and self-seeking.  I would do literally anything to guard or retaliate against perceived threat.  I learned early on, the brutal principle of “any …

Acceptance, Faith, Intimacy, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love

Boundaries and Being Non-Dead

With Greg, boundaries are a non issue, we have compatible operating systems and shared values- prioritizing each other’s peace, comfort and pleasure.  Goes without saying, but Sweet Greg is much better at seeing to my needs than I am to his.  It is not for lack of awareness on my part, but grief, depression, and …

Acceptance, Faith, Intimacy, Musings, Self-Love

How I Tricked Him Into Loving Me

A little more than 3 years ago, Greg and I began getting to know each other.  A hectic time for me, newly relocated from the West Coast, adjusting to constant proximity to my FOO(family of origin) and my ex-husband, working full time, mid-home-buying and moving from our rental of only 3 months, caring for my …

dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, How is it going with your sister's ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, Musings

Healing After and During Betrayal

Expressed anger, no matter how true, right, or fairly it is communicated, in my family of origin,  causes a person to be rendered crazy, mean, or unstable–THE information is strictly inadmissible,  while the recipient of a message containing hard feelings, may uphold the posture of being unaffected, garners sympathy for being victimized and praise for …

home design- home wrecker, How is it going with your sister's ex, How tasty is that low hanging fruit?, Jilan Ghoneim Catherine Whitney, mental health issues, Musings

Communicating Truth

I prioritize the closeness and connection of my chosen relationships, holding zero regard for an illusion or status of having said “relationship”.  Life is both too long and too short to pretend. I have many swirling thoughts in need of sifting, from the last weeks of church and today’s meeting.  For now I have time …

Family Divider, home design- home wrecker, How is it going with your sister's ex, How tasty is that low hanging fruit?, Jilan Ghoneim Catherine Whitney

Aha!

I am now recognizing how, after moving here, if we would have continued as a blended, healing, fixed family with my FOO, my ex, my kids and myself, that would have kept me in some sort of center position, like I would have been at the hub, not in the driver’s seat, but the common …

dirty secrets, Family Divider, How is it going with your sister's ex, How tasty is that low hanging fruit?, Jilan Ghoneim Catherine Whitney, Trauma

Happy Birthday ?

Thank Good Gawd Almighty for the most marvelous friend —who loves family, God, selfies, presents, fun, joy, travel, celebrating, and even me— to the end of the earth and back, she loves me.  Crying as I type that, because it is so damn special, the friendship that we enjoy.  Truly BFFs!  Yesterday was my 50th.  For …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, Faith, Intimacy, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

How Do I Handle This?

The one thing I have most needed to know how to handle, is myself.  I am finally learning to do this– with love and compassion.  Only in recovery, have I been encouraged and taught to navigate and cope with difficult feelings and people.  With the fixed mindset that I was responsible for all bad behavior and …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Why Lie

Alone in the car with my younger son, today, I pretended to take credit for saying something fantastic, a quote which actually came directly from him.  He was like:  “Mawm,  I said that, not you.”  In all seriousness,straight-faced, I replied; “Nah-aaaaah, I am totally the one who said it.”  He was rightly disturbed- I admitted …

addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Trauma

Some Letters

Angry letters I would write and send if not for recovery.  I have anger, but it is not the boss of me.  I let it teach me and then I get to practice taming it. Dear Dad, I experience little conscious memory of you, only of the raging in our house and you bringing home …

Musings

The Pain We Do Not Heal

Recovery has been a wildly unpopular choice—quite agitating to those threatened by the idea that there is something wrong—other than only my existence.  My healing has been labelled a lie, a show, an attack, a war, a story to get attention. I hear this frequently from others in recovery-“Recovery is a deal-breaker and a relationship …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Trauma

The Part Where You Fucked Up

The tribal tension in our country right now is a perfect parallel to the dynamic of my family of origin-  overflowing of remarkable efforts toward rightness and to victory, rather than goodness/kindness.  Right in this context, referring to triumph and domination.  As if winning and dominating are evidence of truth and goodness. In my journey …

addiction, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Trauma

The Smiling Poop Emoji

A pile of poop with a smile, is still poop.  Sunday’s sermon began with the smiling poop emoji on both of the teleprompter screens.  The visual presentations were prefaced with, “If I could find a way to best describe this past year, it would be this (the emoji).  I lost my father suddenly to cancer …

addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Trauma

Grandma’s Favorite—awww so sweet, y’all

This post is taken directly from how.i.rebuilt.myself.   The “me too ” which I feel when I read her posts is priceless-helping survivors heal, one post at a time. Fake chivalry of the covert man. He’s the neighbourhood favourite – will jump start your car, run an errand for your sick wife while you’re on a business trip and hold …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Trauma

Thank Good Gods

The words below are cherry picked straight from Jen Hatmaker’s post on IG today.  They speak directly to my heart and make clear for me the difference between those I am genetically linked to and those with whom I am spiritually linked.  I see, that with the models of love and loyalty which I was …

Acceptance, disloyalty, Faith, mental health issues, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Undeserving

What an interesting concept.  “DESERVE”.  I cannot help but cringe each time I hear this word thrown about.  Maybe as a person who grew up feeling confused about being both entitled and unworthy, I remain disturbed by this language.  Now, after nearly a decade of spiritual recovery and soul work–this is what I think I …

dirty secrets, Intimacy, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Supporting Gay Tweens- Even when they are not “yours”

Last week my older son was initiated by a new neighbor boy, whom we do not know—even a little.  This neighbor decided to “come out” via text message, to my son, who is age 11.  When my son was kind and texted “Ok, but be careful who you tell because people might be mean to …

addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

It is Not that I Don’t Care..

People have expressed to me, their sense, that I do not care what others think.  This is UNtrue.  I make no efforts to control what others think or how they feel about me.  That is not my job.  If a person does not care for me, that is not a problem (until they decide to punish …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings

Because Obviously

A program friend recently asked me if I out my sister  to punish her, and cautioned me against it—because that(punishing) would be bad for my recovery (not out of regard for her).  I share what happens because finally, I can and I must.  Fortunately, what I have to share is observable, undeniable action/behavior, witnessed by …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, Faith, Intimacy, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

On Forgiving

Daily, I feel tormented by the notion that if I were JUST  less sensitive and more forgiving we could be a happy healthy family.  But this, THIS is the lie-the myth of the scapegoat and the messaging of abusers.  Intense sensitivity is something, that as an adult, I have learned to understand, accept, and to …

Musings

On Bullying

Oh-  this post!!!!  What an immense comfort and timely topic.  Bullying, oppression, exclusion- behaviors and attitudes:  not as narrowly defined as we tend to think.  Below is a snippet of what Glennon shared at Momastery, regarding bullying-related suicides. And people are sensitive. People are heart-breakingly sensitive. If enough people tell someone over and over that he …

Musings

On Gossip

Unable to articulate all that is on my mind, I have decided to share another magical and medicinal post from Momastery.com  I would like to pre-empt this by saying that this post, for me, relates to people with whom I have intimate and meaningful affiliations.   It is likely that I will continue to dabble in …

Musings

Six Things

Frankly, little mattered to me before motherhood. Life has has never, NOT felt incredibly difficult and unnatural for me.  Having sensory issues is difficult. Even the smell and feel of foods I enjoy, can nauseate me.  An avocado smear on a plate or worse, on my hand, gags me…and I really like avocados, provided I …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

I have been finding healing and comfort in re-reading and listening to When Bad Things Happen to Good People( a book I first borrowed from my mother, after my father’s passing ) on Audible by Rabbi Harold Kushner.  Because the concepts of God, love, and forgiveness had been distorted, I am now getting to do …

Musings

Check Your Self- Sometimes You Are the Toxic Person

I love knowing that if I am willing to see where I have failed, hurt, or harmed, I get to learn from and transcend that.  I knew I had to file for divorce as my husband and I were arguing and he said to me, actually declared: “There is nothing wrong with me or the …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Mental Health–We all have mental health.

It is exhausting to observe people pretending as if we all come into this world with the same chances.  We do not.  Our wiring, brain chemistry, genetics, upbringing, community, talents, strengths, lack of identifiable talent or strength, connection, disconnection.  How can so many people insist that all people should be able to bootstrap their way …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Self-Love, Trauma

A Letter to My Sons

To My Darling Sons, It hurts knowing how I burden you daily with my deep seeded angst from having come from the family, which I do.  And yet, I cannot unhook from it enough to do otherwise.  I fled here/them half my life ago committed to not returning to this and them.  I rarely spoke …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Abuse is Abuse

Sound familiar? So, this is my modified version of the Narcissists Prayer. I have re-evaluated my need to label others as addicts or narcissists.  In my attempt to recover, I found myself needing to know “but whyyyyy???”  And the singular answer of “because I suck” is no longer acceptable to me.  My upbringing taught me over …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Trauma

A Letter From My Sons

Dear Aunt Catherine, Spending time with you makes us feel bad; bad about you, bad about our mom, our grandmother, your daughters, and bad about our dad.  Being in the middle stinks.  Upending our family in this way makes you enemy#1–we would have preferred  a different experience of you. Required participation in something that causes …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Self-Love, Trauma

Courage to Change

I get that my mother did the best she could…and STILL–what happened to me is not right or acceptable.  I know we differ in many ways, she and I,  one of the more pronounced ways, is that if and when I am struggling to understand and be present for either of my children, I count …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Trauma

happy mothers’ day

Is it unreasonable to wish for a mother who would not contribute to or support initiatives that are guaranteed to escalate tension between her grandsons’ parents?  IS IT?  I knew my ex and sister had been communicating last week and awaited the fallout.  And it unfolded, as predicted.  He did something shitty that cost me …

dirty secrets, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, Musings, Trauma

The Zero-Sum Game–Everyone Loses

I cannot help but marvel at how “they” manufacture chaos and trouble so they can dole out punishment, while denying their anger.  A part of my mind says don’t speak or write about it, they will like that—making them feel all important and impactful.  The other part of me says “fuck them, I want the world to …

Musings

Recovery Celebrations

I was alllwaaaays melting down-losing my shit. I had not learned healthy coping skills. For my first 40 years, secondary feelings about my feelings kicked my ass.  In our home feelings were for losers, and for judging. —I felt shitty because life was painful and experiencing pain, duress, and discontent was treated harshly- generally shamed, punished, …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Best Days of Our Lives

Last night, Bryan Adams’ song “Best Days of Our Lives” played on the radio.  For a moment I felt nostalgic, reminded of senior year, summer in particular where we were very actively drinking and chasing boys and good feelings.  Then, I remembered, that I was fucken terrified and miserable and always in one of three …

addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Trauma

Shame on Who(or whom)?

You know, as I reflect back on my first 30 years, I no longer feel overtaken by shame.  Shame for immense & unspeakable pain and my inability to manage myself with it and to get a hold of it, to address it, end or resolve it, or at the very least hide it.  I do …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Get Over It—Umm Okaaay

People with narcissistic personalities and behaviors often confuse holding a healthy boundary for holding a grudge.  It is prudent,healthy, and fair to openly communicate an unavailability for more of the same diminishing behaviors. 💀It is too painful.  ALSO-It is unwholesome and unkind to attempt shaming and manipulating victims with sentiments like #getoverit —And believe you,me…I am over …

Acceptance, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Self-Love, Trauma

I am sorry that…

You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing other people’s unfortunate behaviors, because I made them act badly, and then apologizing for (reacting)handling myself poorly. Fuck that. I am not sorry for not knowing how to be a …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, Intimacy, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Self-Love

AMEN

On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc’d my mother)> wrote: amen C On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m> wrote:  Dear M, I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you. You have always been the impossible.   When people …

Musings

Big Effen Surrender

  Today, I did something different. When I wanted to react, when I wanted to retaliate, to enlighten, I did nothing. I let it be. I cried. I shared with trusted others.  I cried.  And I let it be. That is a miracle.  The situation is very non-miracle.  My response to it-100% miracle.  Willingness to …

How is it going with your sister's ex, How tasty is that low hanging fruit?, Jilan Ghoneim Catherine Whitney, Musings

What We Model for Our Children…

“In the midst of divorce, now, more than ever, my children look to me. They look to me to see how merciful and generous I am in good times. They look to me to see how strong and faithful I am in bad times. They watch, they listen, and they model. Years from now I …