Musings

Six Things

Frankly, little mattered to me before motherhood. Life has has never, NOT felt incredibly difficult and unnatural for me.  Having sensory issues is difficult. Even the smell and feel of foods I enjoy, can nauseate me.  An avocado smear on a plate or worse, on my hand, gags me…and I really like avocados, provided I …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

When Bad Things Happen to Good People

I have been finding healing and comfort in re-reading and listening to When Bad Things Happen to Good People( a book I first borrowed from my mother, after my father’s passing ) on Audible by Rabbi Harold Kushner.  Because the concepts of God, love, and forgiveness had been distorted, I am now getting to do …

Musings

Check Your Self- Sometimes You Are the Toxic Person

I love knowing that if I am willing to see where I have failed, hurt, or harmed, I get to learn from and transcend that.  I knew I had to file for divorce as my husband and I were arguing and he said to me, actually declared: “There is nothing wrong with me or the …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Mental Health–We all have mental health.

It is exhausting to observe people pretending as if we all come into this world with the same chances.  We do not.  Our wiring, brain chemistry, genetics, upbringing, community, talents, strengths, lack of identifiable talent or strength, connection, disconnection.  How can so many people insist that all people should be able to bootstrap their way …

Musings

How to Achieve Menschdom by Guy Kawasaki

Mensch–What is a mensch??? The Transformation continues…I never understood the magic of this concept.  So simply and beautifully explained by Guy Kawasaki. Simple tips to living our best lives.  I was raised in a family that boasts brutal honesty, and I note now, more brutality than genuine and pure honesty, because the WHY behind what …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

What is Love?

About 5 years ago, still living in Los Angeles, while driving down 91, we passed a billboard that said I love Compton.  Puzzled, my boys were like “Why would anybody love Compton? ” They had been there a few times for doctors appointments, during our harder times and at times, for my work.  They knew it …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Self-Love, Trauma

A Letter to My Sons

To My Darling Sons, It hurts knowing how I burden you daily with my deep seeded angst from having come from the family, which I do.  And yet, I cannot unhook from it enough to do otherwise.  I fled here/them half my life ago committed to not returning to this and them.  I rarely spoke …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Abuse is Abuse

Sound familiar? So, this is my modified version of the Narcissists Prayer. I have re-evaluated my need to label others as addicts or narcissists.  In my attempt to recover, I found myself needing to know “but whyyyyy???”  And the singular answer of “because I suck” is no longer acceptable to me.  My upbringing taught me over …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Trauma

A Letter From My Sons

Dear Aunt Catherine, Spending time with you makes us feel bad; bad about you, bad about our mom, our grandmother, your daughters, and bad about our dad.  Being in the middle stinks.  Upending our family in this way makes you enemy#1–we would have preferred  a different experience of you. Required participation in something that causes …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Self-Love, Trauma

Courage to Change

I get that my mother did the best she could…and STILL–what happened to me is not right or acceptable.  I know we differ in many ways, she and I,  one of the more pronounced ways, is that if and when I am struggling to understand and be present for either of my children, I count …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Trauma

happy mothers’ day

Is it unreasonable to wish for a mother who would not contribute to or support initiatives that are guaranteed to escalate tension between her grandsons’ parents?  IS IT?  I knew my ex and sister had been communicating last week and awaited the fallout.  And it unfolded, as predicted.  He did something shitty that cost me …

dirty secrets, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, Musings, Trauma

The Zero-Sum Game–Everyone Loses

I cannot help but marvel at how “they” manufacture chaos and trouble so they can dole out punishment, while denying their anger.  A part of my mind says don’t speak or write about it, they will like that—making them feel all important and impactful.  The other part of me says “fuck them, I want the world to …

Musings

Recovery Celebrations

I was alllwaaaays melting down-losing my shit. I had not learned healthy coping skills. For my first 40 years, secondary feelings about my feelings kicked my ass.  In our home feelings were for losers, and for judging. —I felt shitty because life was painful and experiencing pain, duress, and discontent was treated harshly- generally shamed, punished, …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Best Days of Our Lives

Last night, Bryan Adams’ song “Best Days of Our Lives” played on the radio.  For a moment I felt nostalgic, reminded of senior year, summer in particular where we were very actively drinking and chasing boys and good feelings.  Then, I remembered, that I was fucken terrified and miserable and always in one of three …

addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Trauma

Shame on Who(or whom)?

You know, as I reflect back on my first 30 years, I no longer feel overtaken by shame.  Shame for immense & unspeakable pain and my inability to manage myself with it and to get a hold of it, to address it, end or resolve it, or at the very least hide it.  I do …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Mindful Parenting, Musings, Self-Love, Trauma

Get Over It—Umm Okaaay

People with narcissistic personalities and behaviors often confuse holding a healthy boundary for holding a grudge.  It is prudent,healthy, and fair to openly communicate an unavailability for more of the same diminishing behaviors. 💀It is too painful.  ALSO-It is unwholesome and unkind to attempt shaming and manipulating victims with sentiments like #getoverit —And believe you,me…I am over …

Acceptance, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, how is it going with your sisters ex, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Self-Love, Trauma

I am sorry that…

You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing other people’s unfortunate behaviors, because I made them act badly, and then apologizing for (reacting)handling myself poorly. Fuck that. I am not sorry for not knowing how to be a …

Acceptance, addiction, dirty secrets, disloyalty, Faith, home design- home wrecker, Intimacy, J Catherine ghoneim Whitney, mental health issues, Musings, Self-Love

AMEN

On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc’d my mother)> wrote: amen C On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m> wrote:  Dear M, I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you. You have always been the impossible.   When people …

Musings

Big Effen Surrender

  Today, I did something different. When I wanted to react, when I wanted to retaliate, to enlighten, I did nothing. I let it be. I cried. I shared with trusted others.  I cried.  And I let it be. That is a miracle.  The situation is very non-miracle.  My response to it-100% miracle.  Willingness to …

Musings

What We Model for Our Children…

“In the midst of divorce, now, more than ever, my children look to me. They look to me to see how merciful and generous I am in good times. They look to me to see how strong and faithful I am in bad times. They watch, they listen, and they model. Years from now I …

Musings

You Do Not Have to Agree with Me to Love Me

I am feeling especially aware and grateful for my own acceptance of my deep core truth that I often need to do nothing, absolutely nothing.  Not listening, talking, momming, cleaning, working for money, reading, trolling the internet or  doing yard/house work.  Just BEING.  It is not lazy, it may be depression at times and that is ok and it …