Striving toward Healing, Humility, Courage, and Faith
Alone in the car with my younger son, today, I pretended to take credit for saying something fantastic, a quote which actually came directly from him. He was like: “Mawm, I said that, not you.” In all seriousness,straight-faced, I replied; “Nah-aaaaah, I am totally the one who said it.” He was rightly disturbed- I admitted …
Angry letters I would write and send if not for recovery. I have anger, but it is not the boss of me. I let it teach me and then I get to practice taming it. Dear Dad, I experience little conscious memory of you, only of the raging in our house and you bringing home …
Recovery has been a wildly unpopular choice—quite agitating to those threatened by the idea that there is something wrong—other than only my existence. My healing has been labelled a lie, a show, an attack, a war, a story to get attention. I hear this frequently from others in recovery-“Recovery is a deal-breaker and a relationship …
The tribal tension in our country right now is a perfect parallel to the dynamic of my family of origin- overflowing of remarkable efforts toward rightness and to victory, rather than goodness/kindness. Right in this context, referring to triumph and domination. As if winning and dominating are evidence of truth and goodness. In my journey …
A pile of poop with a smile, is still poop. Sunday’s sermon began with the smiling poop emoji on both of the teleprompter screens. The visual presentations were prefaced with, “If I could find a way to best describe this past year, it would be this (the emoji). I lost my father suddenly to cancer …
This post is taken directly from how.i.rebuilt.myself. The “me too ” which I feel when I read her posts is priceless-helping survivors heal, one post at a time. Fake chivalry of the covert man. He’s the neighbourhood favourite – will jump start your car, run an errand for your sick wife while you’re on a business trip and hold …
The words below are cherry picked straight from Jen Hatmaker’s post on IG today. They speak directly to my heart and make clear for me the difference between those I am genetically linked to and those with whom I am spiritually linked. I see, that with the models of love and loyalty which I was …
What an interesting concept. “DESERVE”. I cannot help but cringe each time I hear this word thrown about. Maybe as a person who grew up feeling confused about being both entitled and unworthy, I remain disturbed by this language. Now, after nearly a decade of spiritual recovery and soul work–this is what I think I …
Last week my older son was initiated by a new neighbor boy, whom we do not know—even a little. This neighbor decided to “come out” via text message, to my son, who is age 11. When my son was kind and texted “Ok, but be careful who you tell because people might be mean to …
People have expressed to me, their sense, that I do not care what others think. This is UNtrue. I make no efforts to control what others think or how they feel about me. That is not my job. If a person does not care for me, that is not a problem (until they decide to punish …
As the beginning of another school year– at new schools, rapidly approaches, I imagine and worry dream for my sons– the possibilities that lay ahead. Of course, I want them to thrive academically and even socially, but more than this, I want them to feel deeply connected to something bigger than themselves, their peers, and especially …
A program friend recently asked me if I out my sister to punish her, and cautioned me against it—because that(punishing) would be bad for my recovery (not out of regard for her). I share what happens because finally, I can and I must. Fortunately, what I have to share is observable, undeniable action/behavior, witnessed by …
Daily, I feel tormented by the notion that if I were JUST less sensitive and more forgiving we could be a happy healthy family. But this, THIS is the lie-the myth of the scapegoat and the messaging of abusers. Intense sensitivity is something, that as an adult, I have learned to understand, accept, and to …
Over the past decade, I have become very clear on my lack of desire to surround myself with likeminded people, so much as I do those whom are like-hearted. In fact, it would be terrifying to be surrounded by like-minded others. YIKES In recovery, we call our like-heartedness, unity of purpose, which makes it possible …
Nearly every night between 1 and 4 a.m. , this guy wakes me up to let me know that he needs to go potty. But, if I get up to let him out, I will not fall back to sleep. Instead, I will lay awake agonizing over things which upset me and I will be …
In recovery, I am reminded consistently that we are never victims. This does not mean that people do not intentionally victimize and persecute others, but that we do have choices about how we respond. All choices may be highly undesirable, none the less, they are choices. Like going to a crummy restaurant where you hate …
I do not suck, sometimes my behavior does–but THIS- this alllllwaaaaays sucks. Today is a hard day. I wake up every single day, so painfully aware and deeply affected by the state of my family. I recognize that I do not cause or imagine the dysfunction- and that I alone, cannot repair it. Intellectually and …
Oh- this post!!!! What an immense comfort and timely topic. Bullying, oppression, exclusion- behaviors and attitudes: not as narrowly defined as we tend to think. Below is a snippet of what Glennon shared at Momastery, regarding bullying-related suicides. And people are sensitive. People are heart-breakingly sensitive. If enough people tell someone over and over that he …
Lately, I spend every moment possible reading and listening for comfort, from those who have openly navigated troublesome experiences, who possess the inner strength and courage to share–messages of hope alongside their deeply personal and messy details. I, personally, need to hear the mess. The message without the mess can leave me feeling separated and …
Unable to articulate all that is on my mind, I have decided to share another magical and medicinal post from Momastery.com I would like to pre-empt this by saying that this post, for me, relates to people with whom I have intimate and meaningful affiliations. It is likely that I will continue to dabble in …
You struggle to keep your balance- to not jump- but you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are walking a tight rope held by those you are bound to. They plan to let go, you know it in your gut, and you keep going. What else to do? People watch, …
My recovery is a wildly unpopular choice, extremely agitating to those who need to be feel in control, play God, the judge, the jury, the punisher, the rewarder. I am also reminded daily that recovery is the ONLY way– and it divides me further and permanently from those feeling displeased(harmed) by it. They are not …
Looking back, I see that the only times my mother and sister had anything to do with me, were for emergencies and celebrations/scheduled gatherings. I guess those times made them feel, maybe, benevolent, by showing up as rescuers, hosts, or gift givers. But I think life, for me, is what happens in between the events. …
Because of intense and atypical sensitivity to both physical and emotional stimulus, I have felt humiliated, not only for being wired differently but for having been shamed and shunned for it– never taught to manage the frequent and difficult emotions. Naturally, I came to envy those unaffected, composed— indifferent to others. I think it is boasted …
Today, my sweet boys embark on their first week ever, of sleep away camp- away from mom, dad, and each other. What I feel even more acutely than my anxiety, is pride (for lack of better word) for how kind, courageous, compassionate, and faithful these guys are. AND–I, as their mother and primary care giver, …
Surprisingly, it was a very good day. I forced myself to go sweat it out in the yard, pruning, mowing, weeding. I always feel better when I do something that elevates the overall quality of life. The daily and repetitive tasks offer no satisfaction, only the threat of greater stress if not addressed. My …
In the past year, I have noted consistently how my low blood sugar either triggers or mimics anxiety for me. I feel ill much of the time, the way I did for all nine months of my pregnancies, and most of my childhood. Most mornings begin with me feeling simultaneously revolted by the idea of …
How I wished I would have been a nice kid. Kindness and humility were neither natural nor modeled for me. I was scared shitless, constantly–with no healthy coping skills. I was terrified, literally out of my mind from a lack of knowing how to get along in the family and world. The lessons I took …
I don’t really get it. How is it ever better for relationships and trust, to rely on indirect communication for genuine understanding of needs, wants, desires, feelings? I seriously hate that shit… It is only acceptable to me, when done with someone whom I trust and we get to call it out and laugh about …
Because we have recovery in our home, we get to practice clarifying, for ourselves and each other, the difference between unpleasant facts and problems. Before recovery, I believed if something was unpleasant, it was a problem and I must work on it–to change it and make it be different or at the very least punish …
6:45 a.m.- It doesn’t even mater why… I woke to crushing anxiety this morning, as I do most, overwhelming, free-floating anxiety tied to nothing in particular and everything all at once. Nauseous and on the verge of tears, before getting out of bed- I feel immense guilt for how my anxiety robs my sons and …
I heard it expressed frequently by my family of origin– which led to my own false belief that we may each enforce our truths and wills on those who disturb us. Thank good gawd almighty that I was able to unlearn this in time to raise children- and to break the cycle of unwholesome thinking …
Frankly, little mattered to me before motherhood. Life has has never, NOT felt incredibly difficult and unnatural for me. Having sensory issues is difficult. Even the smell and feel of foods I enjoy, can nauseate me. An avocado smear on a plate or worse, on my hand, gags me…and I really like avocados, provided I …
I have been finding healing and comfort in re-reading and listening to When Bad Things Happen to Good People( a book I first borrowed from my mother, after my father’s passing ) on Audible by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Because the concepts of God, love, and forgiveness had been distorted, I am now getting to do …
I love knowing that if I am willing to see where I have failed, hurt, or harmed, I get to learn from and transcend that. I knew I had to file for divorce as my husband and I were arguing and he said to me, actually declared: “There is nothing wrong with me or the …
It is exhausting to observe people pretending as if we all come into this world with the same chances. We do not. Our wiring, brain chemistry, genetics, upbringing, community, talents, strengths, lack of identifiable talent or strength, connection, disconnection. How can so many people insist that all people should be able to bootstrap their way …
To My Darling Sons, It hurts knowing how I burden you daily with my deep seeded angst from having come from the family, which I do. And yet, I cannot unhook from it enough to do otherwise. I fled here/them half my life ago committed to not returning to this and them. I rarely spoke …
Sound familiar? So, this is my modified version of the Narcissists Prayer. I have re-evaluated my need to label others as addicts or narcissists. In my attempt to recover, I found myself needing to know “but whyyyyy???” And the singular answer of “because I suck” is no longer acceptable to me. My upbringing taught me over …
Dear Aunt Catherine, Spending time with you makes us feel bad; bad about you, bad about our mom, our grandmother, your daughters, and bad about our dad. Being in the middle stinks. Upending our family in this way makes you enemy#1–we would have preferred a different experience of you. Required participation in something that causes …
I get that my mother did the best she could…and STILL–what happened to me is not right or acceptable. I know we differ in many ways, she and I, one of the more pronounced ways, is that if and when I am struggling to understand and be present for either of my children, I count …
Is it unreasonable to wish for a mother who would not contribute to or support initiatives that are guaranteed to escalate tension between her grandsons’ parents? IS IT? I knew my ex and sister had been communicating last week and awaited the fallout. And it unfolded, as predicted. He did something shitty that cost me …
I cannot help but marvel at how “they” manufacture chaos and trouble so they can dole out punishment, while denying their anger. A part of my mind says don’t speak or write about it, they will like that—making them feel all important and impactful. The other part of me says “fuck them, I want the world to …
I used to have immense shame over how I struggled and how I felt, like I was embarrassed for my feelings. WTF? Difficult feelings were for judging not having or coping with. And I fruitlessly sought approval from the most emotionally vacant and disapproving. And, I too learned to become disapproving of myself and others, …
I was alllwaaaays melting down-losing my shit. I had not learned healthy coping skills. For my first 40 years, secondary feelings about my feelings kicked my ass. In our home feelings were for losers, and for judging. —I felt shitty because life was painful and experiencing pain, duress, and discontent was treated harshly- generally shamed, punished, …
Last night, Bryan Adams’ song “Best Days of Our Lives” played on the radio. For a moment I felt nostalgic, reminded of senior year, summer in particular where we were very actively drinking and chasing boys and good feelings. Then, I remembered, that I was fucken terrified and miserable and always in one of three …
You know, as I reflect back on my first 30 years, I no longer feel overtaken by shame. Shame for immense & unspeakable pain and my inability to manage myself with it and to get a hold of it, to address it, end or resolve it, or at the very least hide it. I do …
People with narcissistic personalities and behaviors often confuse holding a healthy boundary for holding a grudge. It is prudent,healthy, and fair to openly communicate an unavailability for more of the same diminishing behaviors. 💀It is too painful. ALSO-It is unwholesome and unkind to attempt shaming and manipulating victims with sentiments like #getoverit —And believe you,me…I am over …
This reminded me of Christmas Dinner 3 years ago while angsting over my contribution of a salad for the evening meal; worried that the dressing was not turning out. My niece said to me, in a genuinely curious and unthreatening way; “Since when do you care what people think?” This confirmed my sense of my …
You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing other people’s unfortunate behaviors, because I made them act badly, and then apologizing for (reacting)handling myself poorly. Fuck that. I am not sorry for not knowing how to be a …
On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc’d my mother)> wrote: amen C On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m> wrote: Dear M, I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you. You have always been the impossible. When people …
Today, I did something different. When I wanted to react, when I wanted to retaliate, to enlighten, I did nothing. I let it be. I cried. I shared with trusted others. I cried. And I let it be. That is a miracle. The situation is very non-miracle. My response to it-100% miracle. Willingness to …
“In the midst of divorce, now, more than ever, my children look to me. They look to me to see how merciful and generous I am in good times. They look to me to see how strong and faithful I am in bad times. They watch, they listen, and they model. Years from now I …